On the lighter side, I've been thinking about changing my hair for a while now. A good friend, whom I've known since 1998, feels I would look best with a chestnut brown shade. He is partial to brunettes and in a country surrounded by them, so I'm not sure if I can trust his opinion. ;)
I have been blonde since I was 17. I feel like blonde fits my personality more than any other color, but it may be time for a change. Or maybe just a new style.
What do you think?
Monday, May 30, 2005
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Pics Are In!
Finishing a cup of liquid courage
Getting ready for my turn!
I asked for help up - he said No!
Ride that bull!
How could that have been only 8 seconds?!
Where it all went down -
A few weeks later... A Sting concert. It didn't seem like we were THAT far away!
An encounter with "JOCKO" (this is actually him - the band playing that night took pics and posted them on their website)
After the Mother of All 5Ks!
Getting ready for my turn!
I asked for help up - he said No!
Ride that bull!
How could that have been only 8 seconds?!
Where it all went down -
A few weeks later... A Sting concert. It didn't seem like we were THAT far away!
An encounter with "JOCKO" (this is actually him - the band playing that night took pics and posted them on their website)
After the Mother of All 5Ks!
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Closer I Am to Fine!
If anyone is up for some crunchy sisterhood celebrating, the Indigo Girls are playing Friday, June 10th at the Hampton Beach Casino Ballroom. I would love to have you join me!
I was a fan long ago, but once my Indigo cassette tapes fell apart/were chewed in the car tape deck/melted in the sun, I never replaced them. I just downloaded some of my old favorites and instantly remembered why I was such a fan. These girls know life in a way I know it (and not in the lesbian way).
I was a fan long ago, but once my Indigo cassette tapes fell apart/were chewed in the car tape deck/melted in the sun, I never replaced them. I just downloaded some of my old favorites and instantly remembered why I was such a fan. These girls know life in a way I know it (and not in the lesbian way).
Friday, May 20, 2005
The Keys to Your Heart
Wow! I just took this silly online quiz, and I am very surprised at how accurate my "results" are. This is me to a tee ! The questions are about animals, but apparently that can tell a lot about someone? Unless, of course, everyone gets the same results. Click the link below to do yours.
The Keys to Your Heart |
You are attracted to good manners and elegance. |
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. |
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. |
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. |
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. |
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. |
In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now. |
Thursday, May 12, 2005
May is Mojito Month!
Awww yeah... Just got the email from Bacardi, it's Mojito Month!
Please find a good bar that will make you a fresh Mojito... there is nothing like it. For my NH/MA local friends, there is a list on the Bacardi Mojito site of nearby bars that will be celebrating Mojito Month. And check out the music on there... I had it playing all afternoon! Haha!
So some of you may be wondering what a Mojito is. It's a damn good drink, that's what it is. Typically found in Latin American countries, a Mojito is mint sprigs, lime and sugar all mushed up with this little wooden stick, a little soda water and rum.
I had never heard of a Mojito until about two years ago, when I dated Lorenzo Q., the 1/2 Cuban 1/2 Puerto Rican graphic designer from Watertown. Sounds pretty hot, right? It wasn't.
Anyway, he got a Mojito at this restaurant he took me to for my birthday. I got a chocolate mint martini (ok, maybe 3... my tolerance was higher then). L saw Mojitos on the cocktail list and grilled the server... how were they made, do they use fresh mint, it had better be good, I'm Cuban, I know... etc. When our drinks arrived, I thought, hmm there sure is a lot of greenery in that drink... it looked odd. Then he had me sip. And then I was in love. With the Mojito. Not L.
If anyone is up for a road trip for fresh Mojitos before May ends - you know who to call.
Please find a good bar that will make you a fresh Mojito... there is nothing like it. For my NH/MA local friends, there is a list on the Bacardi Mojito site of nearby bars that will be celebrating Mojito Month. And check out the music on there... I had it playing all afternoon! Haha!
So some of you may be wondering what a Mojito is. It's a damn good drink, that's what it is. Typically found in Latin American countries, a Mojito is mint sprigs, lime and sugar all mushed up with this little wooden stick, a little soda water and rum.
I had never heard of a Mojito until about two years ago, when I dated Lorenzo Q., the 1/2 Cuban 1/2 Puerto Rican graphic designer from Watertown. Sounds pretty hot, right? It wasn't.
Anyway, he got a Mojito at this restaurant he took me to for my birthday. I got a chocolate mint martini (ok, maybe 3... my tolerance was higher then). L saw Mojitos on the cocktail list and grilled the server... how were they made, do they use fresh mint, it had better be good, I'm Cuban, I know... etc. When our drinks arrived, I thought, hmm there sure is a lot of greenery in that drink... it looked odd. Then he had me sip. And then I was in love. With the Mojito. Not L.
If anyone is up for a road trip for fresh Mojitos before May ends - you know who to call.
Monday, May 09, 2005
Cayman Islands vs. 2.5" Penis (erect!)
Another eventful weekend, I am happy to say. And no anxiety this time. Woo hoo!
Friday started out with a bang at Bow/Concord's happening hot spot, the Chen Yang Li lounge. A live band - one member looked sort of like the dude from Whitesnake... you never know... me in a ponytail and sneakers hearing about someone's handcuffs and another person's "private parties", which I, along with my cohorts, were invited to (yeah, no thanks). Jocko seemed harmless enough... a wannabe Chippendales dancer, you know, the type you can't quite decide is gay or not... but when he told me about his workouts and diet and how he can do a SPLIT... yes, a split... I knew the night was off to an entertaining start.
I watched my co-workers dance like I never knew they could, a couple of drunk girls get into a fight, and generally observed Concord nightlife for what it is - not a bad place to be if you're not dressed up and want more comedy than Comedy Night at the Chateau in Manchester.
And no, I did not stay in touch with dirty dancing Jocko... I refused his advances by informing him he was too sexy for me. This is my new rejection line. They are rejected, sure, but it has an ego boost built in, so hopefully they don't feel too bad. Jocko suggested maybe I couldn't handle the challenge of "Jocko", and I agreed. Just way too sexy for me. I would still like to see him do a split, though.
Saturday, I wined and dined on antipasto at Fratello's with a new friend and attended the Sting concert at the Verizon Center. It's always interesting getting to know someone, as I prefer to cut through the bullshit almost immediately and find out what's really going on. The wine was good, the eggplant was delicious, and our seats at the concert were great. The conversation was guarded and careful. I don't like that. I told dude that everything was going to come out eventually and we would probably end up in the same place eventually, so be out with it and let's both save some time. I'm sure it sounded nicer than that, but he got my point (thankfully). It wasn't the first date and I knew he was into me (because I AM just THAT great), so I took a chance and got a little feisty. He liked.
Today, Mother's Day, my mother and I completed the Mother of All 5Ks in Concord, NH. What a great race. I was number 315 - pic to follow once I get the roll of film with bullriding, pharmacy and Sting developed. Very positive vibe, everyone ready to give it their best and have a good time.
The run benefited the expansion of the New Hampshire Technical Institute’s Nursing Education Center. It was nice in that my mother's mother passed away on Mother's Day a few years ago and was a nurse most of her life. When she retired, she was next in line to the administrator of Goddard Hospital, which has since closed. They talked of naming a new wing at the South Shore Hospital after her, or at the very least, a plaque commemorating her years of dedicated service. If you (God forbid) ever have a need to be at South Shore, look for some commemoration of Mary E. Hill, one of the original feisty women in my family.
After the race, we ate some quality authentic Mexican with sangria and margaritas with my sister and her family.
Later this evening, I got a very strange call. Some of you may be familiar with a story I've told about a past romantic disappointment. I think if I just say "micropenis", most of you who know the story will know exactly what I am referring to.
"Micropenis" - we'll call him "Mic" for short - called me to see how I was, yadda yadda, yadda (is yadda a Yiddish term? I believe it is), asks if I'm seeing anyone, then proceeds to tell me he is dating someone who doesn't like sex. All I can think is,
Mic says that he remembers I am nice, and very sexy. He says he is not looking to remarry and this girl seems pretty serious about him. But she just isn't that sexual. Considering Mic may not be physically capable of having sex, and gets weirded out by oral, I am surprised this bothers him. I think maybe he just likes the idea of having sex, and being with a sexy lady, because dude sure can't come through.
We discussed that he really needs to be upfront with this lady if he has no intention of taking the relationship to another level. They have dated for six months, and really, if she wants to be Mrs. Mic and he wants to pretend he's having sex, why are they still together? He asked to change the subject.
Mic tells me he has been invited to the Cayman Islands for Memorial Day weekend to be a guest lecturer at a conference. His new business is on its feet (I proofread and edited his brochure) and he is in higher demand than ever before. Great. Good to hear. Still doesn't elongate a penis.
Mic asks if I am able to travel that weekend. Uh DUH... YA. But I begin to think of logistics. We would share a room. That's fine, it's really more like bunking with a girlfriend... he even bought me tampons once. So we're okay on that level. I could attend the conference and watch his powerpoint presentation or whatever, and mingle with the professionals in attendance. Cool. Then I could snorkel, swim, get some sun and have a chance to relax in style. Loving that.
However, even if I pretend to feel the micropenis, pretend to orgasm (which is a cardinal SIN), and tell him he's all that... he has a girlfriend. Who wants to marry him. I tell him he needs to end that before we even think of traveling. He's okay with that (or so he tells me). He turns the conversation to [shiver] sex. And kinda explicit, too. And I'm thinking,
He saves me by saying he has to get back to work (at 9 pm on a Sunday) but he will call tomorrow. Great. More call screening.
The Caymans look beautiful. It's a paid trip. It's only a weekend. I'm not seeing anyone exclusively. Mic is a funny guy, always has me cracking up. But what about dealing with the "issue" once back at the room?
I once refused a trip to Vegas to see a Tyson fight at Mandalay Bay because the guy was a JERK. I hadn't been to Vegas at that time, and would have loved to see pro boxing at an upscale casino. But the thought of spending time with this controlling jerk overrode my desire to whoop it up in Vegas.
I guess it would be easier to refuse the Caymans if Mic was a dick.
70 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A MAN WITH A SMALL PENIS
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. I'm sorry.
4. Never mind, why bother.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don't we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It's more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a nightcrawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won't take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done.
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusion?
56. What is that?
57. Does this run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
65. Deep throat???
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?
69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
70. Don't hold back.
Friday started out with a bang at Bow/Concord's happening hot spot, the Chen Yang Li lounge. A live band - one member looked sort of like the dude from Whitesnake... you never know... me in a ponytail and sneakers hearing about someone's handcuffs and another person's "private parties", which I, along with my cohorts, were invited to (yeah, no thanks). Jocko seemed harmless enough... a wannabe Chippendales dancer, you know, the type you can't quite decide is gay or not... but when he told me about his workouts and diet and how he can do a SPLIT... yes, a split... I knew the night was off to an entertaining start.
I watched my co-workers dance like I never knew they could, a couple of drunk girls get into a fight, and generally observed Concord nightlife for what it is - not a bad place to be if you're not dressed up and want more comedy than Comedy Night at the Chateau in Manchester.
And no, I did not stay in touch with dirty dancing Jocko... I refused his advances by informing him he was too sexy for me. This is my new rejection line. They are rejected, sure, but it has an ego boost built in, so hopefully they don't feel too bad. Jocko suggested maybe I couldn't handle the challenge of "Jocko", and I agreed. Just way too sexy for me. I would still like to see him do a split, though.
Saturday, I wined and dined on antipasto at Fratello's with a new friend and attended the Sting concert at the Verizon Center. It's always interesting getting to know someone, as I prefer to cut through the bullshit almost immediately and find out what's really going on. The wine was good, the eggplant was delicious, and our seats at the concert were great. The conversation was guarded and careful. I don't like that. I told dude that everything was going to come out eventually and we would probably end up in the same place eventually, so be out with it and let's both save some time. I'm sure it sounded nicer than that, but he got my point (thankfully). It wasn't the first date and I knew he was into me (because I AM just THAT great), so I took a chance and got a little feisty. He liked.
Today, Mother's Day, my mother and I completed the Mother of All 5Ks in Concord, NH. What a great race. I was number 315 - pic to follow once I get the roll of film with bullriding, pharmacy and Sting developed. Very positive vibe, everyone ready to give it their best and have a good time.
The run benefited the expansion of the New Hampshire Technical Institute’s Nursing Education Center. It was nice in that my mother's mother passed away on Mother's Day a few years ago and was a nurse most of her life. When she retired, she was next in line to the administrator of Goddard Hospital, which has since closed. They talked of naming a new wing at the South Shore Hospital after her, or at the very least, a plaque commemorating her years of dedicated service. If you (God forbid) ever have a need to be at South Shore, look for some commemoration of Mary E. Hill, one of the original feisty women in my family.
After the race, we ate some quality authentic Mexican with sangria and margaritas with my sister and her family.
Later this evening, I got a very strange call. Some of you may be familiar with a story I've told about a past romantic disappointment. I think if I just say "micropenis", most of you who know the story will know exactly what I am referring to.
"Micropenis" - we'll call him "Mic" for short - called me to see how I was, yadda yadda, yadda (is yadda a Yiddish term? I believe it is), asks if I'm seeing anyone, then proceeds to tell me he is dating someone who doesn't like sex. All I can think is,
"Great! You found your match!"But Mic is dissatisfied in his new relationship. Apparently she gets a lot of UTI's. My thinking is that I would probably come up with a chronic infection as an excuse not to have sex with him if I were her, but I digress.
Mic says that he remembers I am nice, and very sexy. He says he is not looking to remarry and this girl seems pretty serious about him. But she just isn't that sexual. Considering Mic may not be physically capable of having sex, and gets weirded out by oral, I am surprised this bothers him. I think maybe he just likes the idea of having sex, and being with a sexy lady, because dude sure can't come through.
We discussed that he really needs to be upfront with this lady if he has no intention of taking the relationship to another level. They have dated for six months, and really, if she wants to be Mrs. Mic and he wants to pretend he's having sex, why are they still together? He asked to change the subject.
Mic tells me he has been invited to the Cayman Islands for Memorial Day weekend to be a guest lecturer at a conference. His new business is on its feet (I proofread and edited his brochure) and he is in higher demand than ever before. Great. Good to hear. Still doesn't elongate a penis.
Mic asks if I am able to travel that weekend. Uh DUH... YA. But I begin to think of logistics. We would share a room. That's fine, it's really more like bunking with a girlfriend... he even bought me tampons once. So we're okay on that level. I could attend the conference and watch his powerpoint presentation or whatever, and mingle with the professionals in attendance. Cool. Then I could snorkel, swim, get some sun and have a chance to relax in style. Loving that.
However, even if I pretend to feel the micropenis, pretend to orgasm (which is a cardinal SIN), and tell him he's all that... he has a girlfriend. Who wants to marry him. I tell him he needs to end that before we even think of traveling. He's okay with that (or so he tells me). He turns the conversation to [shiver] sex. And kinda explicit, too. And I'm thinking,
"Dude. You have a 2.5" penis. Erect. Full mast. I've seen it. I know what's there. Do you think I am delusional or exceptionally forgetful? Because I'm not. And this weird sex talk is kinda creeping me out. So stop."
He saves me by saying he has to get back to work (at 9 pm on a Sunday) but he will call tomorrow. Great. More call screening.
The Caymans look beautiful. It's a paid trip. It's only a weekend. I'm not seeing anyone exclusively. Mic is a funny guy, always has me cracking up. But what about dealing with the "issue" once back at the room?
I once refused a trip to Vegas to see a Tyson fight at Mandalay Bay because the guy was a JERK. I hadn't been to Vegas at that time, and would have loved to see pro boxing at an upscale casino. But the thought of spending time with this controlling jerk overrode my desire to whoop it up in Vegas.
I guess it would be easier to refuse the Caymans if Mic was a dick.
He's not a dick, he just doesn't have one.What to do.
70 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A MAN WITH A SMALL PENIS
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. I'm sorry.
4. Never mind, why bother.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don't we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It's more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a nightcrawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won't take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done.
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusion?
56. What is that?
57. Does this run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
65. Deep throat???
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?
69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
70. Don't hold back.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
A Rare Intimate Rambling
Lately I have been feeling some anxiety. Especially on the weekends. I feel I am back to square one and I don't know where it was I thought I was heading in the first place. I can attribute this feeling to a few things:
1. Turning 30
2. Being on the Pill (first time in like 10 years and it really did a number on me emotionally)
3. An important relationship turning out not how I thought would turn out
The combination all hit right around the same time. I'm not depressed, although I do feel sad sometimes. I feel the loss of something I thought I had and shared, but the reality turned out that none of it was true. That feeling of being duped, being used and unappreciated for who I am.... it hurts a lot but mostly it just confuses me. And creates anxiety.
I've never been a pill popper. Even through all I've been through, I've never taken an anti-depressant or mood stabilizer. That's not to say I've never needed one, but I never went down that road, thinking I could work through my shit with tears and a good therapist and supportive family. For the most part, I think I emerged well. Or at least, there is nothing hanging over my head.
But now, I find myself not slipping down the dirt hole of depression - which is how it's always felt to me, a deep dirt hole with footholds on the inside. I have been pretty far down in it, I have stood on a foothold and peered out, and I have stood outside but near the hole, wanting more than anything not to have to get back in but knowing what will put me there. Depression is a dirt hole to me.
No, right now, I feel like I'm on the other side of the field, a part I haven't seen in about a year. I'm on the other side, towards the woods. Just on the border, actually. I have almost no experience in this area. I run because I am scared. I don't know if I'm scared of something in the woods or in the field. So I run along the border. I'm not running from anything... I just know that it's best to run. If I stop and look around, will I get sucked back into the dirt hole? I don't think so, but it IS always on the other side of this field.
When it starts to get dark, the woods look scary, and I know I can't venture in. I also know if I just breathe deeply, I could probably wander in, step on a few branches and hear them snap, hear an owl, and slowly become at peace with the nighttime woods. But for now, I sit on the border, my arms clapsed around my knees, and I try my damndest to make some plans so that I don't have to sit there all night and wonder what's scary in the woods. The hardest part is when there are no plans, or plans fall through, and I discover I've fallen asleep on the border of the field and the woods, and I wake up, still undecided about what to do and still there will be another night like this one and how am I going to go on like this? So I get up and I run again, and I distract myself with phone calls and shopping and work and making plans and renting movies and cooking turkeys and having "new experiences".
I've never been like this. Normally I would be eating ice cream and ruminating over and over and over what happened and just wallowing in my sadness. But not this time.
I have visited this side of the field only once before, and that was a year ago when I was involved in a major highway accident. About four months later, I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). What sucks about that is that I didn't really know that something was wrong. I knew it was odd for me to avoid thinking about something so upsetting (see above ice cream ruminating), but I really preferred to just push this one aside for a while. At least with depression, I knew I was sad, knew I could barely function, knew that what happened was reason enough for anyone to be sad, and I just needed some time.
With this anxiety bullshit, I have a hard time drawing that line, making a connection from, "ok, this happened, I feel this way, and it's normal for me to have this reaction to that event". I can't do it! With anxiety, it feels like an unrelated chain of events coming together (colliding?) into a brain message that tells me not to sit still, not to think about it, not to be alone, not to relax and enjoy my own company again. That is not me!
I was never a pill popper. I never wanted to get involved with meds, their side effects or any possible dependency. However. I spent a night at my mom's a few weeks ago because I could not stand to be alone and the anxiety was overwhelming. I drink very rarely, but I knew I needed a glass of wine just to stop my heart from racing and to sit calmly and be normal. When a glass of quickly sipped red wine made me feel not woozy or warm, but completely normal, I knew I needed something. And that something would not be more alcohol - due to my family history of alcoholism.
I work in pharmacy, so I knew I had a few choices. I knew I had to make a move fast, because the anxiety was really taking a toll on me. How long can one not eat, not sleep and not be jumpy at the slightest noise, and cry at the drop of a hat? For ME, that's not long at all.
A family member has had anxiety and panic attacks in the past, so I knew she had some pills. I only needed 4 or 5 to get me through the next few days. We cut them in half so the delivered med is 1/8 of what normal people take throughout the day. I didn't want to take them. Even in my worst depression, I never wanted to take a pill. But this became a necessity. During the week, I am mostly fine. Being busy helps immensely. I had always judged those other extremely busy people as people running from something or avoiding something. And why couldn't they just slow down and deal with their shit? Well now I see why. I feel like if I slow down too much, I'll either end up tearing my hair out, crying on my kitchen floor for two weeks or packing up for a month long road trip using only my next paycheck for funds.
Anxiety is a real bitch. I always felt lucky not to have it. In some ways it's better than depression, I am definitely fully-functioning. But I feel less mentally healthy, because I can't draw the line from cause to effect. How does turning 30, going on the pill (which I now believe was the main cause of me not seeing reality) and ending a relationship cause such emotional chaos? Fuck. I've dealt with a lot worse. And I'm certainly not weaker for it. So what the hell?
I have made some long term goals that should be completed within the next 2 years. I will be able to take a solid step towards those in the fall, when I begin traveling. That helps. Knowing that I won't be in this situation forever is nice, and knowing that I will be the one pulling myself out of it is empowering.
Just have to get through the summer.
1. Turning 30
2. Being on the Pill (first time in like 10 years and it really did a number on me emotionally)
3. An important relationship turning out not how I thought would turn out
The combination all hit right around the same time. I'm not depressed, although I do feel sad sometimes. I feel the loss of something I thought I had and shared, but the reality turned out that none of it was true. That feeling of being duped, being used and unappreciated for who I am.... it hurts a lot but mostly it just confuses me. And creates anxiety.
I've never been a pill popper. Even through all I've been through, I've never taken an anti-depressant or mood stabilizer. That's not to say I've never needed one, but I never went down that road, thinking I could work through my shit with tears and a good therapist and supportive family. For the most part, I think I emerged well. Or at least, there is nothing hanging over my head.
But now, I find myself not slipping down the dirt hole of depression - which is how it's always felt to me, a deep dirt hole with footholds on the inside. I have been pretty far down in it, I have stood on a foothold and peered out, and I have stood outside but near the hole, wanting more than anything not to have to get back in but knowing what will put me there. Depression is a dirt hole to me.
No, right now, I feel like I'm on the other side of the field, a part I haven't seen in about a year. I'm on the other side, towards the woods. Just on the border, actually. I have almost no experience in this area. I run because I am scared. I don't know if I'm scared of something in the woods or in the field. So I run along the border. I'm not running from anything... I just know that it's best to run. If I stop and look around, will I get sucked back into the dirt hole? I don't think so, but it IS always on the other side of this field.
When it starts to get dark, the woods look scary, and I know I can't venture in. I also know if I just breathe deeply, I could probably wander in, step on a few branches and hear them snap, hear an owl, and slowly become at peace with the nighttime woods. But for now, I sit on the border, my arms clapsed around my knees, and I try my damndest to make some plans so that I don't have to sit there all night and wonder what's scary in the woods. The hardest part is when there are no plans, or plans fall through, and I discover I've fallen asleep on the border of the field and the woods, and I wake up, still undecided about what to do and still there will be another night like this one and how am I going to go on like this? So I get up and I run again, and I distract myself with phone calls and shopping and work and making plans and renting movies and cooking turkeys and having "new experiences".
I've never been like this. Normally I would be eating ice cream and ruminating over and over and over what happened and just wallowing in my sadness. But not this time.
I have visited this side of the field only once before, and that was a year ago when I was involved in a major highway accident. About four months later, I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). What sucks about that is that I didn't really know that something was wrong. I knew it was odd for me to avoid thinking about something so upsetting (see above ice cream ruminating), but I really preferred to just push this one aside for a while. At least with depression, I knew I was sad, knew I could barely function, knew that what happened was reason enough for anyone to be sad, and I just needed some time.
With this anxiety bullshit, I have a hard time drawing that line, making a connection from, "ok, this happened, I feel this way, and it's normal for me to have this reaction to that event". I can't do it! With anxiety, it feels like an unrelated chain of events coming together (colliding?) into a brain message that tells me not to sit still, not to think about it, not to be alone, not to relax and enjoy my own company again. That is not me!
I was never a pill popper. I never wanted to get involved with meds, their side effects or any possible dependency. However. I spent a night at my mom's a few weeks ago because I could not stand to be alone and the anxiety was overwhelming. I drink very rarely, but I knew I needed a glass of wine just to stop my heart from racing and to sit calmly and be normal. When a glass of quickly sipped red wine made me feel not woozy or warm, but completely normal, I knew I needed something. And that something would not be more alcohol - due to my family history of alcoholism.
I work in pharmacy, so I knew I had a few choices. I knew I had to make a move fast, because the anxiety was really taking a toll on me. How long can one not eat, not sleep and not be jumpy at the slightest noise, and cry at the drop of a hat? For ME, that's not long at all.
A family member has had anxiety and panic attacks in the past, so I knew she had some pills. I only needed 4 or 5 to get me through the next few days. We cut them in half so the delivered med is 1/8 of what normal people take throughout the day. I didn't want to take them. Even in my worst depression, I never wanted to take a pill. But this became a necessity. During the week, I am mostly fine. Being busy helps immensely. I had always judged those other extremely busy people as people running from something or avoiding something. And why couldn't they just slow down and deal with their shit? Well now I see why. I feel like if I slow down too much, I'll either end up tearing my hair out, crying on my kitchen floor for two weeks or packing up for a month long road trip using only my next paycheck for funds.
Anxiety is a real bitch. I always felt lucky not to have it. In some ways it's better than depression, I am definitely fully-functioning. But I feel less mentally healthy, because I can't draw the line from cause to effect. How does turning 30, going on the pill (which I now believe was the main cause of me not seeing reality) and ending a relationship cause such emotional chaos? Fuck. I've dealt with a lot worse. And I'm certainly not weaker for it. So what the hell?
I have made some long term goals that should be completed within the next 2 years. I will be able to take a solid step towards those in the fall, when I begin traveling. That helps. Knowing that I won't be in this situation forever is nice, and knowing that I will be the one pulling myself out of it is empowering.
Just have to get through the summer.
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