Uh-Oh. Hindsight really IS 20-20

I may have a tendency to overanalyze things. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing, since I don’t think most people analyze things nearly enough. Or at least not enough to derive any benefit from it. I recently learned a lesson from myself (wow, self taught life lessons… cool). It wasn’t anything major, just an adjustment I needed to make that I wasn’t fully aware of. It took being on the other side of a situation that I am rarely on – the receiving end of complete infatuation.

I met someone nice, fairly attractive, divorced, originally from Texas (lived in Botswana, Africa for a while, which interests me), formerly a gymnastics coach (so he gets my neuroses with the exercise and dieting) and lives in my city. Let’s call him “Tex” for the sake of this blog entry. Others may know him as “Flan Man” or another unmentionable nickname, but we’ll stick with Tex for now. ;)

We went out a few times, had an okay time, nothing great. It was pleasant enough. I was feeling kind of “eh” about the whole thing. I can sense chemistry almost immediately, and I knew there was, and would be, none. Yet I continued to accept dates with this man.

Nothing was WRONG with Tex, initially. We even had very similar taste in music, which is unusual. Tex was nice, polite, interested in whatever I wanted to do, showered me with compliments about traits I’ve never been complimented on, gazed at me in “that way”, NEEDED to see me more often and generally was totally into me. Or in his words, “quite taken” with me. It’s a little less ambiguous than “profound and serious”, so I’ll take it. Awesome. Everything you want to hear. Unless you don’t feel the same way.

Yet I continued to accept dates. I probably needed an ego boost, maybe it was just nice to hear a compliment or maybe I was foolishly waiting for some chemistry to kick in. Tex said he was experiencing an awakening of sorts (yeah, I can pick ‘em). His senses were coming alive and he wanted to be “awake” and living, as he feels I am. So that was interesting to watch. Some self discovery went on for Tex, and I’m happy to be the catalyst of that, as he said, but I really wasn’t getting anything more than the slight ego boost.

Since I wasn’t into Tex, I had a good amount of distance from the situation. I could take him or leave him, and I was getting bored. He gave insightful observations about me, my life, my body (blush), so I stuck around.

Having this distance with no attachment enabled me to look at the situation objectively. Here was this nice guy, into me, who said he would do anything for me, wanting a long term relationship… and I wasn’t feeling him and was even avoiding eye contact with him to avoid “the gaze”. By the fourth date, I felt uncomfortable.

Not uncomfortable with possible emotional intimacy and a relationship, but VERY uncomfortable with the realization that someone else in a recent past relationship might have felt this very same way I was feeling, but continued to see me and just sort of waited for things to “click”. What a horrible feeling.

I felt more and more uncomfortable with Tex as this set in. I thought, “Wow. I was Tex”. In the previous relationship, I went overboard and declared all kinds of feelings and thoughts that were never reciprocated, except for the above “profound…” bullshit. Part of me says I made an ass out of myself, and the other part of me says, “Damn girl, you were into him, and you let him know. Now what man wouldn’t want to hear those words from you? You dropped the game and went with your heart. How is that wrong?”

Eventually I had to tell Tex I could no longer see him. There was a side issue that sped things up, but I knew I couldn’t go on seeing him knowing that someone else had felt the same indifference and take it or leave it feeling about ME. The more I felt it with Tex, the more it reminded me that someone I deeply cared for felt it for me. Yuck.

Tex tried to convince me once we stopped dating and started a relationship, things would get a lot better. HUH? He sent me a few emails afterwards asking for another chance, but he hadn’t done anything wrong. I just wasn’t that into him.

Lesson learned: Don’t lead someone on for an ego boost (although I didn’t, someone with lesser intentions could have easily) and if you know there’s no chemistry, don’t wait around for it. I hate having my time wasted, and if anything, I might have wasted some of Tex’s. I faltered at my usual “do unto others” on this one. Bad Becky.


In other news, Mic messaged me the night before he left for the Caymans. He had broken up with Ms. DoesntlLikeSexAndGetsALotOfUTIs and wanted to know if I wanted to get together with him when he returned. Before I told him NO, I asked what had happened with my plane ticket. I mean, I should have been packing for the trip when he messaged me. Mic said there would have been too many connections and the flight was more than $1,000. I still don’t get what the point was.

Realizing there would be no last minute dash for the airport with Mic, I told him I didn’t see us together again because I need someone who ENJOYS giving oral. I didn’t even mention the tiny penis issue… I do have a few shreds of compassion. He responded with, “Well I would enjoy it when someone isn’t pushing my head down”.

Ah Mic, we’re just not compatible in the bedroom, are we?