Did I ever think...

Did I ever think I would be attending the largest snowmobile grass drags and watercross in the United States this weekend?

Did I ever think I would be back in my sexy fisherman's arms, only this time even better and with more purpose?

Billy and I are coming to terms with who we are to each other and how much it means to each of us. It's a little scary to him, I think, because it's unfamiliar feelings, or feelings that aren't easily expressed. I don't want to speak for him, but I think that's close. For me, it's scary because it means becoming truly vulnerable and sharing things I don't often, if ever, share. It leaves me open to the major life experience of having true emotional intimacy with someone very special - and maybe (hopefully) more. It also leaves me open to another loss, disappointment, or feeling of failure. Is it worth the risk? For me, it is.

We've all had the experience of meeting someone and knowing that they will hold a significant part in our lives. It's a feeling of familiarity and a sense of safety and comfort when with them. Shortly after I met Billy, I had a strong intuitive hit. I knew this would be significant.

I don't think I could have met him sooner than I did. I wasn't ready. Although I considered myself open minded, I was very much settled into my own comfort zone. I was accustomed to dates of art showings and dinner and drinks, weekends away and what may be considered as "cosmopolitan" or city type date activities. If someone had suggested attending the largest snowmobile watercross in the U.S. two years ago, I would have flatly rejected the idea. I may not have gone out with that person again, thinking our interests were far too different to proceed.

Right from the start, I appreciated Billy's enthusiasm. He conveyed it in our match.com email exchanges, and later on the phone with our first conversation. I liked his voice a lot, and he sounded friendly and flirtatious.

When we met for our first blind date, I had to hop up into a pickup truck. My dad owned pickup trucks most of his life, so it wasn't completely foreign, but it had been a long time and I definitely felt a bit awkward jumping up wearing red suede mules.

As we walked to the restaurant, one of those red studded suede mules got caught in a cobblestone. My foot slipped out, I reached out to Billy for some stability, and slipped back into the shoe. It turned out that Billy was impressed by my deftness and nonchalance about "throwing a tire" - one of many Billy-isms to come. He would impress me in many ways - from being up for anything I suggested, consistently helping me on and off with my coat, truly listening to me and not letting me redirect a question back to him without answering, to showing me a very hot, initimate time could be had without removing a stitch of clothing... and this was all within the first two dates!

He had many of the qualities I was seeking in a man. I knew there was no one else like him. I was excited about our relationship. We were having a lot of fun. I felt good with him. He made me laugh. It always felt deeper than that to me, and I started to develop some pretty intense feelings for him. I was a little shocked that I was having those type of feelings again. It had been six years since I'd felt anything like it. I wasn't sure I'd meet anyone who would sweep me off my feet again. But I did. And it was happening.

I was so excited, I could barely contain myself - although I'm sure I wasn't as demonstrative as I felt I was being. I kept waiting for a declaration from the other side. Something. Anything. I was used to hearing good mushy stuff from men I didn't care about, so why was the one I cared about so mum?

I knew that if you had to ask, it was bad. But I couldn't help myself. I asked Billy how he felt about me. He spoke in non-emotional terms. They were good things, but not what I needed to hear. For a while, I took solace in his smiles and special glances. But how long could I go on a look?

I was on the birth control pill. I couldn't believe how emotional I felt about everything! Low dose pill, my ass! I gained weight, had long periods and was ready to cry at the drop of a hat. I had strong feelings for the man in my life and HAD to know NOW where this was going!

We thought we had good communication skills. It turned out they sucked. We broke up on his birthday... I was certain he was dumping me, so I cut to the chase and told him we needed to end it. What we needed to do was sit down and drop the code and innuendo and be blunt with each other. We didn't. I left Seabrook feeling hurt, alone and and confused. Had my strong intuitive hit been wrong? How could that be?

I had trouble breathing. My stomach hurt. I couldn't believe it was over, and I would never see him again. I got home and didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't stand to be in my apartment by myself. I felt a level of anxiety that made me feel mentally unwell. I spent that night at my mom's house crying and trying to come to grips with not having Billy in my life.

There are posts in this blog from April and May 2005 which chronicle part of my unease and anxiety ridden weekends. It was much worse than I wrote about, because I thought Billy might still be reading my blog posts, and I wanted to appear strong and for the most part, unaffected. People in my day-to-day life knew this was not at all true.

I slowly got back into dating and was instantly bored. I missed Billy very much. I tried to squelch that by getting angry (hence the nickname, Fish Fucker), rationalizing why it wouldn't have worked anyway, creating scenarios in my mind to make me feel even more hurt - all so I wouldn't miss him. It worked temporarily. It eventually boiled down to, "Wow. That was a DAMN shame".

I thought about calling him, but when we parted, I left the ball in his court. He could call if anything changed. I thought if he spent some time alone and missed me and had a revelation, he would call and tell me he was misguided but now realized I am the goddess I really am.

Billy immersed himself in his work and did not call with the revelation. I thought maybe I would hear from him when fishing wound down for the season. Or I hoped I would. We ended up connecting through a malfunctioning phone. Mistake, coincidence, luck or fate? I'm not sure. But I'm very glad it happened.

Billy realized he hadn't been demonstrative. He admitted he didn't know at the time what to do or how to proceed. I was pushing him for more, to spell out for me where he was. The problem was that he wasn't sure where he was. It must have been a tough position to be in. I hadn't allowed any time for feelings to settle and become what they are. I needed answers and was ready to take off if I didn't get them. That was unfair of me, but I interpreted his silence and vague answers as not having any feelings at all.

We have since had some great talks about where we are in our lives, what we expect from a relationship, what we appreciate about each other... as I said in an earlier post, they're things that make up what I'd always hoped my relationship with Billy could be. I love being able to talk openly and hear some things that come from his heart. Neither of us are as tough as the other thought! What a relief (on both sides)!

Our relationship continues to grow and develop. We are both very unique, and I expect it will be a unique relationship. I'm going to stay off the pill as long as I can - maybe look into other methods - so I can keep my perspective without hormones clouding what's really important to me. I need to be sure to stay open and be blunt when something needs to come out. I hope Billy continues to help me with that, and I hope he can see all the qualities I see in him that make him irresistable. He is truly an original person with so much to offer. When you meet him, I'm sure you'll also see that.