I didn't win Powerball

Powerball, the interstate lottery game, was up to a $340 million jackpot. I didn't win. Why?
I think I would put the money to the best use. Certainly better than the 92 year old man who probably won who'll say he's not going to change a thing in his life. WTF.

I would change a LOT.

I have my plan mapped out from the moment I read my ticket and discover I have the winning numbers.

Step 1. Call tax accountant and attorney. Determine whether it's best for me to take the annuity or a lump sum. I really don't understand why people take the lump sum, but there has to be some tax advantage I'm not aware of.

2. Assemble immediate family to make the announcement.

3. Call my job and tell them I need an emergency personal day - no reason given.

4. Head up to NH Lottery Headquarters with my attorney and let them know it's ME!

5. Maybe go to work for a while, depending how long it takes to get my first check. Still have to pay the rent!

6. Get check. Take co-workers out for dinner as a final good-bye - open bar so I can watch some of my favorite people act silly and crazy.

7. Hand my sister and my brother-in-law a hefty check to go house shopping with. Secure 529 college savings plans for my nephews and a little extra to use as they see fit after the age of 22.

8. Hand Mom hefty check to pay off home and vehicle and some extra cash to buy all the clothes at Chico's she desires. Set up retirement fund.

9. Buy Billy a lobster boat as sexy as he is (I'm not sure if they make one THAT sexy, though). And a speedy Bass Cat.

10. Begin the travel. Alone or with whomever wishes to join. I may go alone to the Caribbean to relax, but I can think of no better time than exploring Kruger National Park on safari with Billy.

10. Spend next six months to a year traveling off and on and discovering where I'd like to establish a second home. Buy home in NH and elsewhere.

11. Develop pet project involving charity work, like establishing a safe after school hangout for teenagers.

12. Once my primary home is furnished and I'm settled into my wealth, invite EVERYONE I know over for a party.

13. Begin training for a marathon. But not the Boston marathon. Fuck those hills.

14. Buy silverware and hire naked butler AKA winter bitch to take care of my needs and filet my haddock.

15. Take odd classes like bellydancing, oil painting, mastering the art of Feng Shui, become a licensed massage therapist, learn how to cook with the 30 different types of Indian and Thai curry... and so on.

16. Speaking of classes... spend a few months at the Omega Institute taking any class that tickles my fancy while staying in a heated private cabin. None of that tent sharing hippie crap for me!

As I enter my third year or so of wealth, I'd probably get bored. Have to create a new project to keep busy. Maybe train for a triathlon or NPC figure competition. Maybe design a walking labyrinth in my backyard. Become a counselor for fairly with it women who are momentarily lost. I won't deal with women who don't have a clue, though. I just don't have the patience.

I guess I would live life as I do now, just without the distraction of work and on a much grander scale. I'd still go shopping with Mom, meet with friends for wine and catch-up time, visit with my nephews, go to the gym, eat salads, etc. But all of that may be taking place in NYC or Aruba!

I'm going to buy a ticket for this Saturday's drawing. I'm hoping all the hoopla has died down and I'll have a better chance of winning the modest sum of $15 mil. Wish me luck!

Did I ever think...

Did I ever think I would be attending the largest snowmobile grass drags and watercross in the United States this weekend?

Did I ever think I would be back in my sexy fisherman's arms, only this time even better and with more purpose?

Billy and I are coming to terms with who we are to each other and how much it means to each of us. It's a little scary to him, I think, because it's unfamiliar feelings, or feelings that aren't easily expressed. I don't want to speak for him, but I think that's close. For me, it's scary because it means becoming truly vulnerable and sharing things I don't often, if ever, share. It leaves me open to the major life experience of having true emotional intimacy with someone very special - and maybe (hopefully) more. It also leaves me open to another loss, disappointment, or feeling of failure. Is it worth the risk? For me, it is.

We've all had the experience of meeting someone and knowing that they will hold a significant part in our lives. It's a feeling of familiarity and a sense of safety and comfort when with them. Shortly after I met Billy, I had a strong intuitive hit. I knew this would be significant.

I don't think I could have met him sooner than I did. I wasn't ready. Although I considered myself open minded, I was very much settled into my own comfort zone. I was accustomed to dates of art showings and dinner and drinks, weekends away and what may be considered as "cosmopolitan" or city type date activities. If someone had suggested attending the largest snowmobile watercross in the U.S. two years ago, I would have flatly rejected the idea. I may not have gone out with that person again, thinking our interests were far too different to proceed.

Right from the start, I appreciated Billy's enthusiasm. He conveyed it in our match.com email exchanges, and later on the phone with our first conversation. I liked his voice a lot, and he sounded friendly and flirtatious.

When we met for our first blind date, I had to hop up into a pickup truck. My dad owned pickup trucks most of his life, so it wasn't completely foreign, but it had been a long time and I definitely felt a bit awkward jumping up wearing red suede mules.

As we walked to the restaurant, one of those red studded suede mules got caught in a cobblestone. My foot slipped out, I reached out to Billy for some stability, and slipped back into the shoe. It turned out that Billy was impressed by my deftness and nonchalance about "throwing a tire" - one of many Billy-isms to come. He would impress me in many ways - from being up for anything I suggested, consistently helping me on and off with my coat, truly listening to me and not letting me redirect a question back to him without answering, to showing me a very hot, initimate time could be had without removing a stitch of clothing... and this was all within the first two dates!

He had many of the qualities I was seeking in a man. I knew there was no one else like him. I was excited about our relationship. We were having a lot of fun. I felt good with him. He made me laugh. It always felt deeper than that to me, and I started to develop some pretty intense feelings for him. I was a little shocked that I was having those type of feelings again. It had been six years since I'd felt anything like it. I wasn't sure I'd meet anyone who would sweep me off my feet again. But I did. And it was happening.

I was so excited, I could barely contain myself - although I'm sure I wasn't as demonstrative as I felt I was being. I kept waiting for a declaration from the other side. Something. Anything. I was used to hearing good mushy stuff from men I didn't care about, so why was the one I cared about so mum?

I knew that if you had to ask, it was bad. But I couldn't help myself. I asked Billy how he felt about me. He spoke in non-emotional terms. They were good things, but not what I needed to hear. For a while, I took solace in his smiles and special glances. But how long could I go on a look?

I was on the birth control pill. I couldn't believe how emotional I felt about everything! Low dose pill, my ass! I gained weight, had long periods and was ready to cry at the drop of a hat. I had strong feelings for the man in my life and HAD to know NOW where this was going!

We thought we had good communication skills. It turned out they sucked. We broke up on his birthday... I was certain he was dumping me, so I cut to the chase and told him we needed to end it. What we needed to do was sit down and drop the code and innuendo and be blunt with each other. We didn't. I left Seabrook feeling hurt, alone and and confused. Had my strong intuitive hit been wrong? How could that be?

I had trouble breathing. My stomach hurt. I couldn't believe it was over, and I would never see him again. I got home and didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't stand to be in my apartment by myself. I felt a level of anxiety that made me feel mentally unwell. I spent that night at my mom's house crying and trying to come to grips with not having Billy in my life.

There are posts in this blog from April and May 2005 which chronicle part of my unease and anxiety ridden weekends. It was much worse than I wrote about, because I thought Billy might still be reading my blog posts, and I wanted to appear strong and for the most part, unaffected. People in my day-to-day life knew this was not at all true.

I slowly got back into dating and was instantly bored. I missed Billy very much. I tried to squelch that by getting angry (hence the nickname, Fish Fucker), rationalizing why it wouldn't have worked anyway, creating scenarios in my mind to make me feel even more hurt - all so I wouldn't miss him. It worked temporarily. It eventually boiled down to, "Wow. That was a DAMN shame".

I thought about calling him, but when we parted, I left the ball in his court. He could call if anything changed. I thought if he spent some time alone and missed me and had a revelation, he would call and tell me he was misguided but now realized I am the goddess I really am.

Billy immersed himself in his work and did not call with the revelation. I thought maybe I would hear from him when fishing wound down for the season. Or I hoped I would. We ended up connecting through a malfunctioning phone. Mistake, coincidence, luck or fate? I'm not sure. But I'm very glad it happened.

Billy realized he hadn't been demonstrative. He admitted he didn't know at the time what to do or how to proceed. I was pushing him for more, to spell out for me where he was. The problem was that he wasn't sure where he was. It must have been a tough position to be in. I hadn't allowed any time for feelings to settle and become what they are. I needed answers and was ready to take off if I didn't get them. That was unfair of me, but I interpreted his silence and vague answers as not having any feelings at all.

We have since had some great talks about where we are in our lives, what we expect from a relationship, what we appreciate about each other... as I said in an earlier post, they're things that make up what I'd always hoped my relationship with Billy could be. I love being able to talk openly and hear some things that come from his heart. Neither of us are as tough as the other thought! What a relief (on both sides)!

Our relationship continues to grow and develop. We are both very unique, and I expect it will be a unique relationship. I'm going to stay off the pill as long as I can - maybe look into other methods - so I can keep my perspective without hormones clouding what's really important to me. I need to be sure to stay open and be blunt when something needs to come out. I hope Billy continues to help me with that, and I hope he can see all the qualities I see in him that make him irresistable. He is truly an original person with so much to offer. When you meet him, I'm sure you'll also see that.

ILoveAlpacas.Com

I love Alpacas.
Well, not at all, actually.

Have you seen the commercial for these things yet? Something about investment potential raising this weird looking animal?

There happens to be an Alpaca farm in Warner, NH. They have a gift shop selling Alpaca fleece socks and blankets and stuff. I'm going to see if Billy is up for an Alpaca Adventure sometime so we can see one up close and personal. Maybe even pet it. I can't say it's on my To-Do List Before I Die, but what the heck. If I go, I'll try to remember to bring a camera for your blog entertainment.

Gettin' Random

I've been flirting with a man in his early 70's at work and I think he wants to kiss me.

I'm grateful for my friends and I hope they know how much I appreciate them.

I can die tomorrow loving the fact that I had a life full of torrid love affairs, trysts and many interesting men. Does that mean I'm finally ready for a real commitment?

I got a mini massage from a bisexual girl who is a masseuse yesterday, and it felt awesome, but I'm worried she might be attracted to me, so I won't let her give me a real one. Or maybe I'm just conceited.

I'm very disappointed I never took the trip to New Orleans before the hurricane. Richard and I had planned to go before he dumped me. I couldn't go alone, for safety reasons, so I never went. I think it's a pity.

My favorite cheat food right now is Snyder's Soy Chips - Parmesan, Garlic & Olive Oil flavor. I haven't had a Dove Ice Cream bar in years or a Dorito in several months. So why am I not skinny?

I have a psychic feeling that someone is obsessing over me right now. Or maybe it's just that Art Bell's Coast to Coast radio program just started, and it's a false feeling (is it ever? no). I don't know who it is, though.

I feel unusually close to some of my former co-workers. Maybe it's because I've had some stressful jobs, and they were there and saw me through my worst, as I did them... but some of my dearest friends are former co-workers. Speaking of which, I will admit here that I fooled around with my assistant at a previous job. That's all I'm going to say.

I'm thinking I would like to stay in touch with my cousins in Mass via email, but I would feel uncomfortable asking them for their address. We didn't grow up close at all, but now I think they're pretty cool. Maybe at the next holiday I will.

I have a can of whipped cream in the fridge that Billy doesn't know about yet. But he will.

More later.

Ahhhh... now that THAT'S over...

I know a lot of you have been wondering why I've been hanging out with law boy despite my utter boredom and irritation of him. He annoyed me, made some bad moves, and is basically a tool.

Law boy was good to have around when nothing else was going on. A diversion from my pathetic job, someone to eat brie and drink wine with. Plus he looked good. That's really about it. Oh, and he cooked for me. Kind of nice.

When he asked for us to be exclusive, I said no. I never developed feelings for him and I wanted to keep all options open. He knew where I stood, so don't feel bad for him.

I'll admit I was hanging out until something better came along. Little could I forsee that that something would be someone I am very fond of and is from my recent past.

It started with a hang up call. I had a message on my answering machine that sounded like some muffled background noise, then a disconnect. I checked my caller ID... and it was my boyfriend from the winter, Billy. I'm sure most of you are acquainted with Billy even though, aside from my family, no one's really met him.

I didn't know what to think. I wanted to call him immediately, but it was almost midnight. I wondered why he hadn't left a message. I wondered what he had to say. I went to bed a little excited and somewhat hopeful.

I called him the next day. He seemed very surprised to hear from me. I told him I knew he had called the day before. He said he hadn't. Something was wrong with his cell phone battery and when he tossed it, it may have speed dialed my number. Oh. How awkward.

He said he wanted to catch up though, so we talked for the next two and a half hours. We talked about the breakup and all the important stuff, and we decided to give it another go.

So far, things have been really different. He is expressive and letting me know how he's feeling. He asked to participate in one of my events so he could understand that aspect of me better. It's what I always hoped he could be. And yet there is no awkwardness, nothing uncomfortable about being together. We have just as much fun as before, but now with a little more purpose. I'm excited to have Billy back in my life.

After a few dates (of which I kept law boy informed), we had a talk and thought that maybe we should really give it a go. I would need to let law boy go (big loss!). I wasn't sure how that would go, but law boy ended up making it easy for me.

When law boy asked me my plans for the weekend, I would tell him where I was going and what I'd be doing. He'd ask if it was a date, and I answered honestly.

Last Saturday, I planned to attend a bodybuilding show. I usually go alone because:

A. It's hard to find anyone who has any interest
B. It can be a long day even if you are really into it
C. The tickets aren't cheap

Billy asked to accompany me. I almost didn't let him, because I know how mind numbing it can be for people who aren't interested. But we went, had fun, went out for barbecue afterwards and had a nice talk.

That morning, law boy called. He asked what I had planned for the day. I said, "I told you, I'm going to the bodybuilding show". He asked what I was doing before that. I told him I was going for a run and had other errands to do. Law boy and Lisa's neighbors were having a going away party that night (they're moving to the Virgin Islands), and normally I would have gone. Law boy asked me to stop by after my date. I think law boy thought that I was seeing someone new, another match.com thing, and that he was there first. I told him I would be out all night.

Shortly after Billy left my apartment (and he was a total gentleman, by the way), my phone rang. Two o'clock in the morning. It was law boy. He asked me how my date went. I told him it was fun. Then he asked me what I wore. Huh? What did I wear? He asked if I wore a sexy dress. I said no. I asked him how the party was going and if he had had a few drinks. I told him we would talk the next day.

When I hung up, I felt very uncomfortable about the call. He had no place whatsoever to question me, or to call at 2 A.M. to check if I'm home or doing whatever.

Prior to Billy and me talking, law boy and I had planned to go to the Scottish Highland Games that Sunday. My plan now was to drive to Concord and tell law boy that we were no more. But after that strange phone call, I was a little concerned. Would he act strange in person? Would he keep me there for hours, questioning me? I called my mom for advice.

Mom told me I didn't owe law boy a personal appearance (do you see where I get my sassiness?). Especially not after a phone call questioning my whereabouts. Who knows what would happen?

I agreed, thanked Mom for her advice, and called law boy. He was still sleeping at 11:00 A.M. I asked him about the phone call. He didn't remember anything he said (or so he says). He said he thought he'd get my machine and didn't expect me to answer. Uhh... so why call at 2 A.M.?

I told him that the person I had been dating was my ex-boyfriend from the winter, and we decided to try again. Law boy began questioning me about why we broke up in the first place, and I told him it was none of his business. He continued to ask, and I told him I didn't need my relationship psychoanalyzed, I knew who I wanted to be with. He asked if there was anything he could do to change my mind. That seemed odd. I said no.

Law boy ended with, "Well, it was fun while it lasted". I spared him my thought, which was, "No it wasn't, but thanks!".

My friend Lisa, who lives in law boy's building, was at the neighbor's going away party. She said he acted creepy that night. Maybe she'll leave a comment here and update us all!

Masters and MBA from MIT, current law student = dumb as a rock

Lisa had a great party Friday night. I brought her a plug in grill (like a George Foreman grill but not) and law boy gave her a knife set. Lisa's co-workers were very nice and sweet, one of the girls kept trying to give me hugs, so eventually I gave in and started going to her for hugs!

Law boy acted a little odd. Lisa pulled out all kinds of divination games, and one was a yes/no/maybe type of thing. He got a "yes" on some question he asked to himself, turned to me, hugged me around my waist and said, "Oh honeyyyy, guess what?" I felt ill. If law boy thinks we're going anywhere near down that path, he has another thing coming.

We left around 3 am. I stopped in law boy's apartment to grab my things, and he announced that he had purchased a tooth brush for me. WHAT? I asked if he was implying I had bad breath. He said, "No, I just thought you'd like to keep one here". I asked what color it was, ready to turn it down on the basis of color alone. I have no reason to keep anything at his apartment. I'm just not at that level with him.

He asked what I had planned for the following day, and he seemed to assume that I would be staying over (what, just because it's 3:30 am? Unreasonable!). I told him I planned to go to Glendi and see one of my co-workers play in his band that night. He asked if it was a date. I said yes.

He then asked what the status of our relationship was. Don't you think if someone tells you they're going on a date with someone else the next day, that kind of says it all? I told him I didn't feel I know him well enough to take that next step. And I really don't. There are some things I like about him. There are other things that really just turn me off.

Law boy told me he was jealous. I said nothing. He asked if this meant he has competition. How on earth was I supposed to answer that? I just repeated that I didn't want to be exclusive at this time.

I drove home thinking about how great Lisa is and how I liked her co-workers a lot. I thought about the next day with my date and the kind of fun I knew I would have. It vaguely crossed my mind that law boy isn't too bright. I thought that it was a good thing law boy didn't ask me who I was going on a date with, because that's a whole other kettle of fish.

Choices

I thought I had my weekend planned out.

I am going to Lisa's housewarming party tonight after work (11:30pm!) with law boy, her neighbor and my current dating partner. I'm not sure what he'll want to do after that... although I can guess.

Spiros has called a few times and asked how the boys were treating me. I told him about law boy. Spiros asked, "Ah, and does he lick the ass?" I said, "No. He's a bit squeamish." Spiros replied, "Unacceptable!"

Haha! Spiros cracks me up.

I thought I would ask Spiros to accompany me to Glendi, which is this weekend. I'm not very familiar with Greek food, so I thought a Greek native would be a good date. He would teach me, and undoubtedly hand feed me. Plus, he's fun. Unlike law boy.

Before I could ask Spiros to go, another man from the recent past reappeared, which sort of changed my plans. More on this later.

Snore...

Zzzzzz.... Zzzzzz....
Huh? Oh sorry, I must have dozed off. Um, can you leave now?

- Summary of my last date with law boy

Do I LOOK like a college whore?

The law student hinted he would like to date exclusively. I don't think so.

He's not exactly knocking my socks off. Sometimes when he talks, I find myself tuning him out. That can't be good. He invited me to his parent’s house on the Cape this weekend (they live in NY). It sounded cool, I thought we could go for the day, walk on the beach, cook dinner, relax by the fireplace. Then he mentioned his parents will BE there. UH… fourth date to meet the parents? I don’t think so. I found out later that his brothers were bringing their girlfriends with them, so maybe he just wanted to show up with someone.

It seems like meeting the family means nothing these days. Why go through the stress of meeting someone’s parents, siblings, extended family and family friends, just to do it and have it not mean something bigger? Back in the day, when you brought someone home, it was because you thought a lot of them, and maybe were thinking of taking things to the next level. Not “Hey, come over and be charming and personable and make a good impression just for the heck of it”!

But that’s not what turned me off. Things got a little creepy Saturday night. We went to Unwined, had delicious brie and their new cheese fondue. I had two glasses of wine, I think he had three. Two really is my max, I start to feel pretty tipsy and it's not too far from very tipsy-pretty drunk. I drink until I feel tipsy, then I'm done. I don't think stumbling and slurring are cute, and I tend to get the spins and sometimes get sick, so it's really useless for me to drink past tipsy.

He asked me at what age I had my first beer. I was honest and told him 23. I've never liked beer, and it was the only beverage at a house party I went to with an ex about seven years ago. Law boy was surprised, and asked me what I like to drink besides wine. For special occasions, I like to drink a Grasshopper, or some variation, maybe without all the cream (then it becomes a Girl Scout Cookie). I mentioned that if I am out dancing, I'll usually have a long island iced tea or a margarita.

After a great meal and some great wine, we headed over to my second favorite date spot, the comedy club. We had some time before the show started, so he asked if I would like a drink. I said no. He asked if I was sure. I said, “Yes, I'm sure, two really is my max”.
He came back with a beer and a drink. I asked him what it was. He said it was a long island iced tea. I told him I hoped he was prepared to drink it, because I wasn’t going to.

He shrugged and said he thought I might take sips on it. I told him, “I give freely of my affection when I want to. You don’t have to get me drunk”.

He said, “I know”. Long pause as I looked anywhere but at him. You know that feeling when you’re on a date and you just want to find an escape route? You go through your options, like calling a cab, wishing you brought running shoes so you could run home, having a friend call you at the venue and make up an emergency… walking out to the smoking patio where wedding guests mingled, search for an attractive male or maybe an old co-worker to get caught up in conversation with and sort of forget to go back inside…
I didn’t do any of those things. I really like the comedy at this place, so I decided to stay and enjoy it, and forget who was sitting next to me.

Maybe HE was too tipsy to realize I wasn’t happy, because he asked me how I thought the relationship was going. I said, “fairly well”. He was surprised. He asked how it could be better. I told him, “I like to have fun. That’s why we’re here. I like to do fun things. I need to have more fun. And THAT,” I pointed at the drink, “was a mistake”.

He said he knew. I asked him how he thought things were going. He said he really liked me a lot and wanted to learn more about me and see where it could go. He also said that he was very attracted to me, and I admitted that we had a physical attraction. I thought to myself that for me, that may be all it is.

Law boy mentioned on our last date that the typical amount of time to have sex with a new person is within 3 dates. I asked if the girls he dated slept with him within 3 dates, he said yes. I told him he must date some loose women.

He seems to be operating on a high school level with women. He tells me when it's "normal" to have sex, then tries to get me drunk? Anyone who has seriously dated me knows that when I am ready for sex, I'm more than ready, and the last thing I need is coaching or a drink to loosen me up.

I am considering making law boy a project. I will definitely date people as they come up, and I may continue to see law boy - just never have sex with him. I wonder how long it would take him to give up? I'll probably get annoyed with him way before he decides he's had enough, but it might be a good experiment. I wonder if he'll become more of a jerk as he realizes he's never going to get any. Maybe he'll start to beg or buy me jewelry. It might be interesting. I'm kind of bored, nothing much else going on in my love life, so it could be a good project until I meet someone decent.

So I'm dating this law student. I'd been blowing his match.com emails off for about a year. He emailed me even before I met Dr. Micropenis, again after Dr. Micro scurried out of my bed complaining of a stomachache, and while I was dating the fisherman. The timing was never quite right, and I wasn't convinced I had to meet him, for lust or otherwise.

He sent me a "wink" through match.com, and if anything, I admire tenacity and perserverance, so I replied and we got started.

He just turned 33 today (and shares the same birthday as the boy I dated 6 years ago who is now desperate to see me/talk to me), is attractive and is fairly local. He has a masters degree from MIT in materials science as well, but got bored with his job at Intel, so he decided to pursue patent law.

I got my first lesson in driving a stick on a BMW today. That was kind of cool. And I'm getting more comfortable on a motorcycle, although I still won't let him get on the highway.

He's nice. We watch movies and drink wine, we take his dog to the park, we eat Thai and sushi and look at old pictures. Am I having fun? Eh.

What IS cool is that when I go to his apartment, I can see my bud Lisa! No, they don't live together, but listen to this:

My friend Lisa and I met for lunch a few weeks ago. She had lots of news! I could tell in her voice it was a new man and I was thrilled for her. I won't divulge all the details, but let's just say that Lisa is a responsible adult. That's all I'm going to say!

She also mentioned she had her own apartment now! Even more thrilling! Did I want to meet the boy (I mean, young man) and see the new place? Absolutely!

I met the young man, saw the new place, and Lisa told me about the other tenants in her building. It sounded like a nutty building.

Two days later, I met the law student for the first time for lunch (the Thai iced tea at Siam Orchid is a MUST). I decided within about 30 minutes that we would, at some point, be having more than a few intimate moments in the future. Sometimes you just know. Sometimes a bald head just wins me over. I wasn't sure how MUCH more than that, but I was pretty certain we could have a decent time together.

He asked me about my apartment complex, if I liked it and so on. He described his place, and a little about the tenants in his building. Well, what do you know, it sounded exactly like the tenants in Lisa's building. I asked him what street he lived on and after confirming a few other details, we decided to head to his/her place and stop in for a visit.

I called Lisa and told her I just had lunch with her neighbor and was standing in his apartment. Lisa said, "What? Go outside!" We all talked for a while and Lisa didn't seem a bit surprised that I met her new neighbor on match.com and was back in her building two days later. I guess stranger things have happened in my dating life.

So, I like him. But I get the sense he is holding back, maybe just not wanting to mess anything up, but I really need to see that someone is ALIVE and has opinions and gets annoyed sometimes.

Another thing. I miss having fun. I miss laughing at goofy stuff or silly jokes. But I guess the "fun ones" are just about having fun, and maybe the more serious ones are commitment material. I don't even know anymore.

I just want to take all the good qualities from the men I've dated/loved and make a man just for me. I thought I came close to finding that, but I was wrong.

I'm going to continue going through the motions on this one. I won't make the mistake of dating exclusively right away, so I am still open to see others. Maybe there isn't one man for me. I've loved, I've lusted, I left or they left, and I continue to date and meet new interesting men. But is there one really for me?

This Woman Should Get the Nobel Prize

It's about time.

Terror and Bumps

As I type this, I am sitting on two bed pillows.

My tailbone (or "coccyx" for my fellow pharmacy chums) is a little bruised. Not from any "indoor fun", unfortunately, but a roller coaster. Yeah, I hurt my ass on this amusement park ride.



The whole family visited Canobie Lake Park today. It started off innocently enough (doesn't it always?). My sister and one of my nephews rode the carousel while her husband and my older nephew watched from a bench.

Meanwhile, my mom and I surveyed the scene and decided to get on a ride that looked pretty tame. We should have listened to the screams before we got on. Basically, it was a ride from hell that we had no business being on. Mom and I squeezed into a car, and we knew that these cars would go around and around in a circle and maybe tilt up a bit for a thrill. Tilt up? Try almost tip over! By the second turn, I was screaming like I was being mugged, and holding on for dear life. Mom confessed she closed her eyes because she simply couldn't handle seeing what was happening. When the ride ended, we sat in the car for a minute, stunned and trying to recover. If you go, it's to the left of the carousel and probably has a name like DeathWhip or something similiar to that.

Later on, a few of us decided to jump on the roller coaster. One chickened out so I had to ride alone or with a stranger. My companion ended up being a 10 year old boy whose first words to me were, "Is this safe?" After my previous scare, I was the last one to ask for reassurance. But he seemed pretty nervous (Um, hello, where were mom or dad?) so I got him situated with his hat and sunglasses and got us both buckled in tight. He said he didn't think he was going to finish the ride alive. I told him I was a big chicken, so he would be in fine company.

He started to groan as we lumbered up the track. I told him he could grab my hand if he felt really scared. Little did I know that I would be grabbing the bar in a death grip, screaming my lungs out on the first down hill. We were whipped around and down hills again, and I honestly didn't think my heart could take it. The little boy yelled, "MOMMY!" I yelled back, "It's okay, we're okay!". At that point I was probably reassuring myself more than anyone.

At one point I was up in the air, and then was slammed back down into the wooden seat. I was very happy when the ride was over, and the boy said to me, "We made it. We're alive!"

We got off the ride and as I walked to a bench to reunite with the family members who didn't go on the ride, my tailbone felt very sore. Hurt to walk, hurt to sit. Luckily my sister had some Tylenol so I could make it through the next few hours.

More on the weekend and a twist of fate with an attractive law student later.

Waiting it Out

Pookie has disappeared, someone from the past has reappeared, and I am having nostalgic thoughts of something great with someone else that just could not be worked out.

Oh, and the little girl next door keeps telling me I should get married.

With all of that going on, I am choosing to focus on my next run. I can't control all of the above, so I will think about setting up my next set of challenges. Tomorrow I would like to run 4 miles, and as an incentive, I have a single serving box of animal crackers in the car waiting for me after the run. If I don't complete at least 3.5 miles, no animal crackers.

I still have a question, though. How come timing and feelings and people can't just all work out? I loved someone years ago. He decided one day that it wasn't to be. Seriously sucked. Years later, everything is supposed to be okay. Except years have passed and we're both different people now. I still don't know where this one is going.

I was falling in love with someone months ago. Like, truly hit me one morning and I cried, amazed that I could love again. He didn't feel the same. We had fun, affection, intimacy and what I thought was a connection. Nope. Not me, not this time.

And then Pookie, my friend, flirt partner, confidant, potential whatever, disappears for about two weeks. No where to be found. Pooks, if you're reading this, it had better be from a hospital bed on your laptop. Either that or you DID get eaten by sharks, and if so, I apologize for not buying the popsicles sooner.

Match.com is becoming a real nightmare. I'm emailing someone I blew off about a year ago. That's all the excitement I have from that.

So I focus on the run and mapping routes, which is harder than one would think. And I consider which race I will run next, and set a goal for it.

That's about it. Until some action happens, I'm just waiting it out.

Race Report

I titled this blog "A Long Walk", but I'm hoping that someday, "A Long Run" will take its place just as naturally.

I finished the race at 40:23. About how I thought I would. But I am still disappointed. I felt "off" about the whole thing all day. I never run in the evening, and when I do, I have some water, make a pit stop and get on the road (or the track or trail) and start running. In this race, there were so many participants that I had to arrive an hour early, find parking and get organized. Unfortunately, this led to being outside in hot and humid conditions, sweating.



I was concerned about drinking so much water that I would have an "urgent need" during the race, so I stopped fluids once I arrived to Veteran's Park. This was a mistake. Just after the first mile marker, I had stomach cramps - something I hadn't had since my very first days of beginning running. I pulled it together since my mom was just a block ahead, ready with her camera (gotta love Mom) and waiting for me to run by. She snapped a few pics, it gave me a little lift, and I ran on.

Thankfully the water stop was just a few blocks ahead. As soon as the water hit my stomach, I felt back to my old self and felt instantly energized. That confirmed I was dehydrated. I grabbed another cup of water from a volunteer and slowed down very slightly to drink as much of it as I could. The volunteers shouted encouragement, and that was also very helpful.

After the downhill slope onto Canal Street, the cramps hit again. My breathing sounded like I had never heard it while running.

I asked my sister to stand at Gold's Gym with my nephews as I knew mile 2 would be a time for encouragement. My sister ALWAYS has bottles of water in the car or in her purse. I waved my arms and yelled, "Do you have any water?" Yeah, I'm quite the athlete, huh? I ran this race course twice on my own without any water, and suddenly I was ready to die on it.

She heard me but didn't understand what I said, so she smiled and stood up, the boys stood up and smiled. I practically screamed again, "DO YOU HAVE ANY WATER?" My sister said, "no". I said, "great!", the boys laughed, I thanked them for coming out, and ran on. It turned out one of my nephews had an emergency like one I was hoping to avoid, and my sister needed to dump out their usually constant water supply so he could have a place to relieve himself. She felt bad for not having any water, but I've never needed it before on a 5k run, so why would anything be different?

Luckily I got a surge of energy on the last uphill. I felt pretty good, was jazzed to see my 3 mile split time (right on track, even with all the dehydration cramping drama), so I ran with a little more pep up that last hill. I crossed the finish line but didn't feel any sense of accomplishment. All I could think was, "Wow, that sucked".

I unlaced my Champion Chip from my shoe and turned it in for my "Finisher's Prize", a nylon drawstring backpack sort of deal. I grabbed some water and a few sodas for later, and found a quiet spot in the shade to stretch. The post race refreshments were surprisingly ick, so I didn't partake.

Another runner wrote a very accurate race report on coolrunning.com. I edited out his personal info and added my comments.

"The starting line was located in downtown Manchester, NH – the core of an old mill city in the midst of a comeback. Streets are bustling with cafes and restaurants spilling out from under the eves of historic, turn of the century brick buildings. The starting line is in front of an urban park, replete with historic civic art and architecture, within which the thousands of runners gathered for the start. The Kenyans were bounding around, looking supernatural seeming to float above the pavement as they warmed up.

It was a wave start and I picked the ‘recreational runners’ wave. This was supposed to be for those who expected to finish the course between 23 and 28 minutes but in reality, served as a catch bin for all those who considered themselves not to be walkers [This was me. I knew I couldn't finish in under 28, but there was no way I was going to be classified as a walker!]. I chatted with a lady standing next to me and she confided that the start would be choppy, lots of fits and starts, until the thousands of runners streamed out a bit and sorted themselves out.

The MC worked the crowd lightly until a minute or two before the gun. This was followed by a powerful, albeit dirge-slow rendition of the national anthem performed by some local lady talent. The money note at the end of the rendition got everyone in the right frame of mind, and by the end, the crowd was in an uproar and raring to go.

Moments later, the starting gun sounded. I walked the minute or two to the mats, [There were so many runners that us recreational runners had to wait before we could even pass the start line. This is the purpose of the Champion Chip. The clock is running from the time the gun is fired, but you may not even get to the starting line for another two minutes. The chip records your time from when your foot passes over the start line and again at the finish line, resulting in your actual race time] chatting with the lady who I had spoken with earlier. She confided that she has run a triathlon this past weekend which made me doubt whether or not I could hang with her, in a running sense. She intimated that she was a seven’s gal, and told me she has run this race many times in the past, so I decided to attempt to stay at her pace and, hopefully, benefit from her experience (she weren’t bad looking, either – just sayin’).

The first ½ mile or so was interesting. I never would have imagined how many folks would flame out within the first half mile. It was difficult to navigate through this crowded, uneven field and I expended a great deal of energy maneuvering around the lurching and struggling, up on the sidewalk, back down onto the road, over grates and manholes, around trees, folks stopping or nearly so in groups several abreast – the tri-lady was right – this was a challenge.

The tri-lady, wee-lass, was more adept at navigating the crowd, and she pulled away over the first mile. I kept her in my sights, determined to reel her in when given a clear path through the crowd. After about a mile, the initial wave of flameouts faded into the distance. Finally, I could settle into comfortable pace.

The course was really easy – nice and flat for the most part. If it weren’t for the conditions (near 90 and humid) and the crowds I surely would have PR’s [Personal Record] . Unfortunately, it was not meant to be, and I knew so when I crossed the first mile marker with an 8:10 split.

The second mile was a dream – gradual downhill, straight even pavement – plenty of onlookers cheering us on. There was what appeared to be an open hydrant, or perhaps a fire hose geysing cool jets of city water over the course. That was a wonderful antidote to the oppressive heat and humidity and I slowed the pace to linger there longer than I maybe should have [I stayed clear of the fire hose. I didn't think running in sopping shoes would help me].

I lost track of the tri-lady somewhere around the two-mile marker. By this point, many of the recreational runners, and some of the ‘competitive runners’ (you could tell who was who by the color of their numbers) were walking. This was another novelty, and I expect something you only see in very large races. In my previous two races I had never seen so many otherwise fit looking people just give up and start walking – especially with a two mile split of around 15 minutes. I expect there was a lot of overzealousness over those first two miles and many were paying for their initial pacing errors [It's a common mistake for runners to start out very fast, then burn out less than halfway into a race. I was aware that this can happen to even the most experienced runners, so I was careful to maintain my normal pace].

In any event, the course wandered down near the historic mill section of the city, down by the river. At the three-mile mark, it took an abrupt left and presented a largish hill as the final obstacle to the finish line. I had my usual kick and pelted up the hill at a good clip, feeling pretty good all around and passing lots of folks.

This was indeed the easiest course I’ve run and the best I’ve felt at the end of the race. The tri-lady ended up finishing about quite a ways behind me - I must have passed her somewhere after the two mile mark. Sadly, my time wasn’t as good as could have been. The heat, the crowds were too much to overcome and I finished 8 seconds behind my PR that I had set the previous week on a much tougher course.

That’s ok, though- it was an interesting experience I’m glad to have under my belt – though I’m sticking to the smallish races from now on."

Big Apple Runners Win Cigna 5K

The 13th annual Cigna Healthcare Corporate 5K Road Race drew nearly 4,000 runners to downtown Manchester on Thursday. The men's winner was 23-year old Alene Reta of New York, NY with a time of 14:22. Guor Majak of Concord came in second place at 15:01. The women's winner was 25-year old Alemtsehay Misganan, also from New York, NY. She finished with a time of 16:15. This is the third largest road race in New England, behind the Boston Marathon and the Falmouth Road Race. Source: WMUR Channel 9

Today is the Race!

The CIGNA 5K Road Race starts in a few hours. I got my race number and my chip earlier this afternoon and the roads have started to be closed off to traffic.

I'm a little nervous, but prepared. My mom (a CIGNA employee) will be directing traffic at one of the side streets, so I'll be looking for her to wave to. My sister and my nephews will also be along the race course to provide encouragement (and make it more fun for me), so that will be great.

The temperature now is 89 degrees, but around 6 pm it should be around 87, with a dew point of 61. This means the race will be hot but not with stifling humidity.

I've run the race course twice, and it's a nice, mostly flat course (or at least no very steep hills). What will feel strange is that I have always run on the sidewalk, and now I will be in the road! I think that will make it easier.

It's estimated to be approximately 6,000 race participants this year. I will be ahead of many but behind a lot, too! I don't have a time goal set, I'm using this as my 5K benchmark time to beat. Different factors affect race times (running a coordinated race may result in a different time than running the same distance alone), so my plan is to run this normally and see what happens.

To give y'all an idea, the slowest finisher usually has a 1 hour 15 min time. The winner completes it in about 14 minutes. I expect my time to be about 40-45 minutes, running non-stop.

It's a big event, so there will probably be news coverage on WMUR tonight at 11! Among the 6,000 participants, look for the blond ponytail in a hot pink Adidas shirt!

View my separate FITNESS BLOG! I'll maintain both blogs, so if fitness doesn't really interest you, stay updated here on my weekend and dating scene!

Have Another Laugh at My Expense

For those of you entertained by my dating misfortune (I'll admit, most of it is pretty funny), here's an update on the micropenis doctor, "Mic".

I received an instant message from him late last night. He might be closer to acknowledging his physical problem, since he is now touting other uh, skills. If I've ever told you the story (way too graphic to recount here), you know that Mic also has some serious issues in the oral department.

Mic's screen name has been edited for your humor.

micropenis: hey you

feistybut_sweet: hi?

micropenis: do you not know who this is

feistybut_sweet: yes I know
feistybut_sweet: what's up?

micropenis: i am getting a hot tub this week

feistybut_sweet: cool
feistybut_sweet: that should be fun

micropenis: want to come and play
micropenis: i will do as you like ... the oral thing LOL
micropenis: under water LOL

feistybut_sweet: [name edited] you don't like it

micropenis: for you i will like it

feistybut_sweet: it's not the same

micropenis: i am trainable

feistybut_sweet: you think it's gross

micropenis: no i do not

feistybut_sweet: you can't train someone to love eating pussy

micropenis: i never said that... if you recall.. i said i don;t mind It is just not my favorite thing.... it was not the act of doing it... it was how you were acting

feistybut_sweet: well that's the way I act
feistybut_sweet: I like getting my pussy eaten and I expect enthusiasm out of my partner.

micropenis: ok you should try again

feistybut_sweet: believe me
feistybut_sweet: you will never love it
feistybut_sweet: it's either in you or it's not

feistybut_sweet: hey do you know any vascular surgeons? [I thought if I was putting up with this crap, I could at least get some medical side benefit out of it! Now back to the nausea.]

micropenis: not true

feistybut_sweet: i think we're better off friends
feistybut_sweet: not romantic partners

micropenis: try me rn't ypu horny

feistybut_sweet: we're not sexually compatible

micropenis: please
micropenis: lol
micropenis: brb

I signed off. It's kind of sad, really. He's a lot of fun, attractive, very generous... but you can't fake pleasure and no one should have to. I would like to be friends with Mic, but as you saw, he's not having it.

Eerily accurate

Jung Test Results


Extroverted (E) 55.56% Introverted (I) 44.44%
Sensing (S) 58.06% Intuitive (N) 41.94%
Thinking (T) 71.05% Feeling (F) 28.95%
Judging (J) 72.41% Perceiving (P) 27.59%

type score type behavior motivation
9 26 I must be peaceful and easy to get along with to be happy.
7 20 I must be high and entertained to be happy.
8 20 I must be strong and in control to be happy.
1 17 I must be perfect and good to be happy.

ESTJ - "Administrator". Much in touch with the external environment. Very responsible. Pillar of strength. 8.7% of total population.

Take Free Jung Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||| 56% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||| 50% Type 3 Image Awareness |||||||||| 33% Type 4 Sensitivity |||||| 30% Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||| 46% Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||| 50% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 66% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||||||||| 66% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Your main type is 9 Your variant is sexual

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Main type	Variant

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

You are pure, moral, and adaptable. You tend to blend into your surroundings. Shy on the outside, you're outspoken to your friends. You believe that you live a virtuous life... And you tend to judge others with a harsh eye. As a result, people tend to crave your approval.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

"Fortune knocks at every man's door once in a lifetime, but in a good many cases the man is in a neighboring saloon and does not hear her." -Mark Twain

Dance 360

Am I the only one watching Dance 360?

Tag 'em in, tag 'em in... Head to head, head to head!


Okay, but remember the original B-boy, Super Greg?



He was the bomb.

I Have an Internet Boyfriend

I've been chatting with Pookie (not his real screen name) for a while. About 3 years or so. Maybe longer. I nicknamed him Pookie after watching a marathon of the VH1 show Strange Love. Brigitte Nielsen and Flava Flav... Brigitte called Flav "Foofie Foofie". I decided I needed a Foofie Foofie, and my Pookie fits the bill. We've entertained each other, made each other laugh, shared hot intimate moments, supported one another through breakups, scolded one another when we got out of line... typical good friend stuff.

Pookie is a very attractive healthy male from Chicago. When I look at Pookie on his webcam, he makes me feel like I want to jump through the monitor and sit in his lap. Pookie is also attracted to me, and sometimes I wear special accessories on webcam that no one else has seen. He has seen me without makeup, just back from a sweaty workout, first thing in the morning and right before I leave for work. He is sweet enough to say that I look great no matter how I look.

Pooks is a workaholic, I think. I seem to attract them. I sort of like the situation sometimes, because I am the reprieve from the busy day, I am the mini-vacation they won't take. They appreciate me for what I offer, and tend not to smother me. They just don't have the time.

We've developed a bit of a psychic connection, even though we've never met in person. I tend to develop these types of connections with people I care for, usually close friends and lovers. Sometimes he hears my thoughts, sometimes I can close my eyes and see where he is. He's a skeptical Virgo, so we've run some tests to check the connection. He's flabbergasted, but to me it's pretty normal.

Pookie and I keep each other updated on our dating and sex lives. He was dating an Australian pilot who also happened to be a total psycho, and he was truly happy for me when I thought I had found "the One". When that "One" decided he was too fucked in the head to continue an adult relationship, Pookie was there to console me. I was a hormonal emotional mess due to the birth control pill, and he just talked me through everything and let me cry and wonder WHY until I got off the pill and onto a more rational state of mind, where I was calling the One "the Fish Fucker". Someday I will get to the point of indifference, but that time has not yet come.

Shortly after my loss, Pooks had his own crisis. We talked, we went over the details, the phone calls, the possibilities. Pooks had to end that one, and she didn't go gracefully. You know when a fellow member of your gender is acting like a fool and you feel embarrassed for them? Simply being of the same gender, you want to reach out and say, "Whoa, hold on sister. You're embarrassing yourself. Do a reality check, FAST." because they obviously have no same sex friends who will tell them. I ended up telling her via email, when stalking and just plain weird behavior escalated. We had it out on a few back and forths, and long story short, I won.

After my Wal Mart dude (see below post) raved about his love for camping and water slides, I declared that I would tell everyone I am unavailable. I have an internet boyfriend. Who has strange taste in music. And sometimes wears red dress shirts to business meetings while out of the country. And I accept all of that. Because who else understands the mossy feel in your mouth after eating a bag of baby spinach? Because who else eats a bag of baby spinach?

I have a trip to Chicago planned in the fall. Pookie is definitely on the agenda. I am open to hating him, making a good friend, having dinner and calling it a night, really liking him and not wanting to leave or being annoyed but still liking him as a brother. Anything could happen, and usually does when it involves the internet and a man.

Dating is Slow

I'm going through a lull in dating. So I'll update with my recent dating failures.


I'll get to this guy with the Prowler in a second.

I've met men, talked to men, but nothing promising. I know I live in NH, but is EVERY man only into camping, hunting and fishing for fun? I even updated my match.com profile to specifically exclude these activities.

I was picked up last week by a man in Wal Mart. I went there after work to buy some soup. There's always a strange element at the Concord, NH Wal Mart, but at 11:30 pm, people get even weirder. So I hardly noticed a man staring at me throughout the store.

When he finally approached, he was VERY nervous. So nervous that I thought he might be strung out on some drug. He said I looked very familiar and didn't know where he knew me from. After a few minutes of discussing where we grew up, we could make no connected as to how he knew me. Not surprising.

He was there to buy Benadryl for his dog. Apparently the dog was itchy. I eventually gave him my number because #1 He had the balls to approach me - not many men do and #2 He wasn't nasty.

Even though I told dude I was there after work (reasonable assumption would be that I work at night), he called no fewer than THREE times the next day between 8-10 pm. Two messages and a hang up. He called again the morning after that, so we spoke. He said he is divorced, has an an eleven year old son, and loves to go camping, fishing and hunting.

Is that not a match or what [sarcasm]? It's funny how men list their own interests and expect you to want to do all sorts of manly things with them. I discussed this with my mom yesterday. If a man asks a woman what she likes to do for fun, do we answer with, "I like to go shoe shopping, paint my nails, go to the spa and have drinks with the girls"? No. We list things that we like to do with men, our partners, our dates. Are men really that clueless?

I asked him what he likes to do on dates with women. He said, "I don't know. I guess go out to eat. Maybe a water park. You know, with water slides?"

This is when I acknowledged ONCE AGAIN that my love life is a joke, and that someone up there is just laughing their ass off at my love life. I rolled my eyes. He asked if he could call me again that night. I'm not into being smothered, and several phone calls throughout the day "just to talk" are a big turn off to me. I asked him to call me the next day, or maybe the day after that. He hasn't called, so that's probably for the best.

Failure #2
Meet Jim.



Jim is a match.com reject. You wouldn't think so once you hear all he has to offer.

Jim is:

1. A scientist for a semiconductor company
2. The holder of a couple patents in his field
3. Greek and Italian, with an accent
4. The owner of a "yacht"
5. Also the proprieter of a photo studio
6. Single and looking to settle down
7. Well educated. A master's from MIT and several advanced degrees
8. A dog-lover
9. Clearly in shape and takes care of his temple
10. In addition to being a scientist and professional photographer, also sells ladies handbags at house parties

Anyone who has been out there dating is certainly skeptical of all his attributes. Does a scientist make enough money to acquire all these toys? Or is he a drug dealer?

But he has the kind of body that you could use as a jungle gym (Jungle Jim?) for at least a few weeks before you get bored with him. So I continued to correspond with him. If anything, I thought, I'd meet him to have another crazy funny story to tell.

After he emailed me from the yacht in Nantucket, Jim and I finally spoke on the phone. It was a tough call. It was noon, and he had just woken up. He was out late the night before, partying and drinking. Jim is 37 years old and wakes up at noon, hungover. Impressive. We spoke for about an hour, and I think I spoke maybe 2-3 minutes of that. Jim gave me his entire background, including his education, where his parents live (dad in Italy, mom South of France), how he acquired all the toys (parents paid for anything he wanted while in school - which might explain why he's a lifelong student), his past relationships, and his dogs. Ah the dogs.

Jim explained that the most tragic event in his life was when his dog died. It's been 9 years since the dog's passing and he is just now able to look at old photographs. He has a new dog now, who has his own set of toys, including a little dinghy beside the yacht.

When I was able to get a word in, I mentioned I was dog-sitting my mom's Pomeranian. He asked me far more questions about the dog than he did about me! But even that didn't last long, as he was also running errands while giving me his autobiography.

He asked me to hold while he paid for a bottle of Bufferin (for the dog's arthritis, of course) in Rite Aid. Then he had to get a coffee. On a first phone call. This brings up bad feelings for me from way back (sit down and talk to me, and if you can't, call later!), so I was turned off even more than I was from Jim's non-stop talk fest.

Jim said he took his match.com profile down because a girl in Miami had done something very mean to it. It was a very long story, did I have time to hear it? I said no. I don't have time. I have to go. I'll call you in a few days.

I didn't call him again. Normally I would just tell someone I didn't think there was much of a connection or chemistry, so they wouldn't expect a call. But Jim was clearly in his own world and probably wouldn't miss my phone call.

Pulled Over by the Police AGAIN

It may be because I leave work at 11 pm, but I have been pulled over by the police twice in the past 2 weeks. The most recent was tonight. Both for the same reason - running red lights. About a month ago, while driving home from Chen Yang Li, I got pulled over for "approaching the toll booth too fast" (just a warning since he couldn't tell me how fast I was approaching).

I am almost always honest with cops when I get pulled over. I tell them I coasted through the yellow light, or I thought I could make it, etc. I was let go last week with a warning, and again tonight with another warning. But tonight it was a little different. Dude couldn't stop smiling at me. And dude was kind of attractive, in a non-cop way. He asked me how my driving record was, and I told him, "Not so good".

He checked my license, didn't notice my car still isn't inspected (just my own laziness, nothing is wrong with my car), and told me he was giving me "the break of a lifetime". I was tempted to ask him back to my place to break my back, but I kept it under control (it's this summer heat and lack of relationship that's getting to me).

I half expected him to ask me out or if I had a boyfriend, the vibes were that strong. But instead, he smiled again and went back to his cruiser. So he's:

A. Married / Has a girlfriend
B. Gay and just liked my hair
or
C. Was on duty and kept his cool.

Just in case it was C., I came home and pulled up Craigslist and posted a Missed Connection. Here's my post: http://boston.craigslist.org/mis/83305160.html

Southern NH people also read Boston Craigslist, and although it's a very long shot, I'm hoping he or someone he knows will see it and tell him, email me, take me out next weekend and within 4 weeks will have me in handcuffs.

I'll keep you posted.

Part III

Richard began introducing to me to more of his culture. Without his knowing, I bought a book called The Immaculate Invasion. It was the most current book on Haiti and described the US Marines presence in Haiti. I asked him questions about certain Creole words I didn’t understand (like ton ton macoutes) but were essential to understand the story. My ignorance of Haiti and Haitian culture was broad. He shared more when he realized I was interested. I didn’t believe half of the things he told me, because they seemed so outlandish and improbable. Since then, I know he hadn’t shared the worst of it with me. There were good reasons his family came here when he was just 14 years old.

We entered autumn together. I wondered how many seasons we would spend together. We walked along the path at the Salem Willows as the leaves began to turn color, and I expressed out loud how good it felt to be entering a new season with him. I thought we would be together a long time.

We discussed children and marriage. I had concerns about raising biracial children, and what they would endure. Richard took this to mean that I didn’t want biracial children. I wanted to talk more about it and explore the possibility. I had never wanted children, and don’t now, but with him, I pictured us with ten kids, in a somewhat chaotic but very loving household. He is the only man I could have seen myself having children with. Even with this, Richard took my concerns as a personal rejection of his culture, and possibly of him. I tried to explain that to me, having children is such a monumental and important step, and I needed to explore every aspect of it, including any hardships my children would have to endure.

Richard and I had experienced different levels of racism as a couple, from both whites and blacks. It was worse in Boston. White men would look at me with disgust, and black females would subtly give me a hard time. Nothing outright rude or disrespectful, but some were sure to let me know that I didn’t belong. I felt sorry for both sides and hoped that they could experience the type of love Richard and I had, regardless of skin color.

He was somewhat possessive of me. This hadn’t bothered me. I think now I was comfortable with it because of my relationship with my father (which is a whole story unto itself). He was mildly jealous, a tad insecure about the relationship itself – I think due to his prior girlfriend’s infidelity. I was okay with it, everyone has their baggage… and when I got sick of it, I would tell him, “This is ME. I don’t do that. I’M not like that. If you want to be treated like shit, I’m not the one”. It would jolt him back to reality for a period of time, and I knew it would take some time and some trust building within himself to work it out.

Richard made me sad twice. One time was when he brought me into his mind for a brief glimpse at how he saw me. I felt my heart sink.

It Sure is Getting Hot

Summer is here ladies. It's hot, it's sunny... summer makes you want to put a tube top on and go man watching. Well, it does to me!

Here are some of my A-list hot men. They may not be sexy or even attractive to some, but these are a few who make me get that really funny feeling. You know what I mean.

#1 John Malkovich



Fuck! He's hot. The man has an unbelievable voice that soothes and excites all at the same time... he's intense and I'll bet he has some skills.

#2 Chris Noth



Ok, so you may know him as Mr. Big. Is he not just lickable? I'll bet he can get into some shenanigans.

#3 Paco



I know Paco because he is a beautiful Spaniard who visits Boston a few times a year, so I made it my business to know him. He is polite, charming and humble. The smile... the eyes... perfectly symmetrical physique... this man gives me a very funny feeling deep inside.

#4 Jim Cramer



Mr. Cramer founded thestreet.com, has an entertaining radio show called Real Money, and hosts a show on CNBC called Mad Money. He is the author of one of my favorite books, Confessions of a Street Addict. If you've seen him on tv, he's usually yelling or at least very animated. He cuts through the bullshit of investing and trading, and I love his straightforward approach.

I'm not sure why I find Jim so appealing, but I get excited when I see him. We met in Boston a few years ago at a financial expo, and he signed my copy of Confessions. He looked great, and I, unfortunately, had a fever. Jim is happily married to the Trading Goddess, Karen and has a daughter, so I will respectfully say that he is a very attractive, stimulating, sexy (damn! I can't help myself!) man.

#5 Dave Attell - the hottie on the left



Some of you already know my history with Dave. Back when I had cable TV, I used to watch Insomniac on Comedy Central. Dave was appealing in an odd way. He looked like he just needed some Becky lovin' in a bad way. But how would he know that he needed it if he'd never met me? I decided to meet him.

Long story short (my male friends are saying, "Thank God!"), I went, alone, to his stand up show in Hampton, NH, got a front seat and waited afterwards to meet him in person. There was a long line of fans waiting for him, and I kept moving to the back of the line so we might have more time to talk. I ended up writing him a short note with my phone number, and when it was my turn to approach, I swore my heart was beating so loud he could hear it.

I shook his hand, placed the note inside, he said, "Ooh, a note", without letting my hand go and pulled me into him for a hug. His other hand felt very hot on my back and I really just wanted to get out of the horrid venue and go sit and "talk" with him.

He didn't call. My Venus is in Aries, so I can be a little persistant when it comes to these things... so I emailed a short note to an email address I found on his website. I got a reply, I replied, and the next came back from his personal email address. He said he thought I was with a guy that night (duh, that's why I went alone!). We emailed for a few months, he updated me on his travels and sent a few pics.

Dave admits to being a "liquid adventurer" (his words) and a workaholic. Not my style. Had to let that one go. :-(

#6 James Dean



James Dean was the type of guy that would make any woman, no matter how assertive, circle her foot on the floor while looking up and back down sheepishly. He was masculine and his presence seemed comforting and troubling at the same time. Who wouldn't love a chance to kiss him once? There is a resemblance between him and my ex-fiance, Rob.

Who gets you hot? Men can participate, too!

Met Him on a Thursday Part II

Part II

Tina and I talked on the phone over the weekend about our night at the club. The typical club de-briefing. Did you see him? Girl, stay away from him, he has three baby’s mommas… she is a skank, did you see what she was wearing? And so on. Tina said she told her friend Kim about the man I met. She swore he looked just like Mase. At the time, I had no idea who Mase was, if he was attractive and if he looked anything like Richard, I needed to see him. After seeing him (and now I listen to a bit of his music), I see it’s one of those things where at certain angles there is a resemblance.

She asked if he had called. We analyzed the ins and outs of when a man calls, how soon, what he would say, how I could tell if he was a player, because sometimes they’re so smooth, you’re already caught up before you realize you’re dealing with a class A player… He hadn’t called. I was 99% sure because I kept the cordless phone at my bedside all weekend and in the bathroom while I showered. You could say I was slightly interested.

It was Tuesday when he called. I had already started to give up hope, so I wasn’t very enthusiastic. He wanted to take me out. He told me he lived in Boston. I told him he would need to come to me. At the time, he didn’t have a car, but he made it.

Richard and I spent the next few months talking about anything and everything. Long walks through city parks talking. Sitting in the car when it rained, talking. Riding in the car, my hand on his neck, his leg or holding the big soft brown hand that caressed my skin without even trying. Phone calls every night at 8:05 pm when we weren’t together. Creating silly bets on stuff I didn’t care about, like baseball. Talking and feeling the vibe.

We discovered much about each other that summer, like the day I saw the red in his skin. The deep, deep red that showed how much of his ancestry was Indian. It was a sunny day. We had just finished feeding the ducks outside the Danvers town library. We sat on a bench, and as we usually did, talked. I looked down at his forearm and saw it. The lovely medium brown with strong red just beneath it.

My hand in his… it looked so very different. I got to ask him all my white girl questions, like why did black skin get ashy? He took no offense, he knew I was very curious and was not in it for the “black experience” or “jungle fever” as some white men like to call it. Richard and I connected on a level that I had never been on before. It was at a soul level. THIS was DEEP. THIS was PROFOUND. But I was still cautious.

We had been dating for a few months when I decided it was time to be intimate. We had already become mentally intimate. We had shared much. I had been holding off as long as I could, because I feared that as soon as I slept with him, he would be gone.

We visited my ex-fiance’s sister who was in the hospital, then got some dinner, then went to the hotel. I had packed everything I needed. It was our first night together. It would be fun, it would be new, and it would be a little scary. But I was ready.

I got in my pj’s and lit some candles around the room. When he came out of the bathroom, he seemed a little startled, as if he was surprised I was sort of kicking things off.

Things got hot and I was a little nervous. It was like a second de-virginization. Most of all, I wanted him to enjoy it and for one of the very few times in my life, my pleasure was secondary.

What happened that night is something that I still cannot talk about without blushing (yes, me), rushing over my words, being at a LOSS for words and really just unable to describe what was going on. To THIS DATE, I consider it to be one of my stranger (in a good way) encounters. The only people who know what I mean when I say “twist” are those who have slept with talented Haitian men. An old co-worker used to date a Haitian man and knew EXACTLY what I was talking about.

So needless to say, the sex needed no help. No awkward “Mic” moments, no “talks”. Everything was on point.

He didn’t dump me. He didn’t stop calling me. He didn’t change. I was relieved. Tina had been wrong. Tina stopped talking to me at this point. Haitians were HERS. I had crossed the line into something that belonged to her. I was supposed to stick with the baseball cap wearing weight lifters. It’s odd that a best friend since junior high would take offense at this with ME, but I guess she had her reasons.

Met Him on a Thursday - First in a Series

This is the first in a series of blog entries that tells of a prominent period of my life - which has recently resurfaced - see below post titled Obsession.

I'll be back to normal blog entries in the meantime, so if this isn't your thing, check back.

Met him on a Thursday. Cumulous clouds, 84 degrees. He was brown, deep… said he wanted to talk about my mission, listen to my past lives… word? Took me on long walks to places where butterflies rest easy. Us was nice and warm. No jacket, no umbrella, just warm. At night we would watch the stars, and he would physically give me each and every one. Love rained down on me. – Jill Scott

It was actually a Friday. It was July. I danced with random men for the fun of it and for drinks. Tina was always close by, but we didn’t smother one another. Men feel intimidated by flocks of women, so we always appeared separate, although either one was ready to swoop in at the sign of any trouble… like an unfortunate stinky dance partner.

He smelled bad. Like worked all day and didn’t want to go home to his girl, so stayed out and borrowed some clothes from a homeboy and went to the club without showering bad. The night was fairly young, as I recall, and it was always good to be seen dancing a lot so other men wouldn’t feel so intimidated to ask for a dance. So I danced a fast song with Stinky. He didn’t dance well, and Tina was giving me the eye over his shoulder like, “Beck! What are you doing? Damn he stinks! Woo!”

I told Stinky I was going to the ladies room. I turned to walk away and out jumped a man dressed all in white. When I say jumped, I mean jumped. He was in my face in a flash, blocking the path to the ladies room. He started dancing. I asked, “Are we dancing?” surprised at the ballsy move. He nodded and pierced me with some amazing light brown eyes.

I had never seen him before. I would have known if I had ever seen him. He was extremely well groomed. His hair was tight, his skin looked soft and he moved rhythmically on the dance floor in a way that I was very comfortable with. I could dance with this man for a long time.

I looked at the corner he had jumped out from and saw his group watching us. One in particular gave him a wide-eyed look, like he couldn’t believe he was dancing with me. Looking back, I think he had been planning to dance with me, and the one I was dancing with swooped in before he could.

The handsome man all in white asked my name. I told him, and he introduced himself as Richard. Richard. I asked Richard how many children he had. No one that fine and that young and sweet could be childless. I asked him how many and not IF, because it is easier to get a man to tell the truth when it’s asked like that. Sad, but true. He said he didn’t have any. I asked how his girlfriend felt about him being at the club dancing with pretty ladies. This is also an effective question. If you make it seem alright, they sometimes confess. He said he had no girlfriend.

After a few songs, he brought me to another area of the club that was always quieter. I felt very comfortable with him and somewhat protected. He called me “Blondie” at one point, and I asked him if he had forgotten my name. He nodded, embarrassed, and I told him it was okay. After a few drinks and countless dances with several men, I rarely remembered names myself.

Richard asked for my number and I didn’t give him my usual fake one. He wrote it on a dollar bill, and I told him not to spend it as I walked away to find Tina. He laughed as if it was the best joke he’d heard all day.

Tina interrogated me about the new interest. She seemed a little jealous, as she is sometimes prone. She asked his name and all the details, and tried to place if she knew him or had heard any gossip about him. I was also cautious. Rule #1 has always been: Don’t date anyone from the club.

Richard and I met up outside at the end of the night. We sat in my car for a bit. Thinking of Tina, I asked his last name. He told me to guess. I asked what the first letter was. I heard his accent, and I wasn’t sure where he was from. I suspected Haiti, so I decided I would guess with French surnames. He said “M”. I said, “Marcoux?” His eyes got very wide and he said, “close”. I was indeed close. It was probably about that time he decided I was a witch.

Well that was quick...

No more Spiros, the Greek (pronounced Speer-os). It's ok, though... I knew I was in slightly over my head when he described his, uh, tastes. I think I'm pretty open minded in that area... but Spiros is on a whole other level. At first I thought it was because he is not from the U.S. and has a more, shall we say, open sexuality. I won't get into the gory details, but his "likes" were things I had never heard of. Like, "You want me to do WHAT?" type of stuff. And would I be into "blah blah"? And my answer was, "Hmm... I'm not sure" - while thinking in my head, "WTF???!!"

Spiros was fun and interesting, but overall I wasn't attracted to him (although he was very sexy) and he ate less than I do, to maintain his defined abs. That's kind of scary.

I'm not really interested in dating right now, but I guess I will. I have too many cute summer outfits not to. Tee hee!

Need some help with a song!

Probably not work safe

Click here to hear the song.

Hoping a passerby might know... there is a hot Boston version of Deja Vu (Uptown Baby) song which I love, but I can't find it anywhere! With all my research, I still can't find this song! It's the song playing, except there are shoutouts to Dorchester and Revere. Do you know the name of it, and if Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz also did it?

Obsession

What does it mean when someone tries to contact you after 6 years of not speaking? When someone dumped you in 1999 but spent the last few years searching for you and asking people to keep an eye on you?

How does it make sense that this person calls you at a parent's house (with whom you no longer live and who went back to her maiden name after he and I broke up) when they're away on vacation and you happen to be there to feed the dog?

Where did I disappear to? He comes to Manchester sometimes and just drives around looking for me, or my old car? Has things to explain to me? Is sorry? Needs to see me?

Of course I was curious.

But I asked if he knew how badly he hurt me. That he is the reason my phone number is non-published. That he is the reason I didn't renew my vanity plates when I bought my new car. I didn't WANT to be found. I didn't want this type of phone call.

He said he knew. And that even if I didn't want to see him, at least he knew I was okay.

I see his cousin at the gym a few times a week. He pretends not to know anything. I told him yesterday that my ex called me. He told me that my ex and I will be together, because we love each other. He said he wants me in the family. And if he sees a guy looking at me, he will tell him to stay away.

I told him that my ex never loved me. Because if he did, he wouldn't have hurt me so badly. He never loved me. If he had, I would not have spent years trying to repair my broken and cold heart. And just when I am ready to love again, he is back on the scene? No. I've moved on. I'm ready for the next stage in my life. And he has no place in it.

Kevin McBride and the Greek

“When I hit Mike Tyson he’ll think all of Ireland has hit him.”

I guess he did. Tyson announced his retirement after the fight.



Anyone know if Kevin McBride is single? Supposedly he lives down the street in Brockton, MA. He has a very sexy Irish accent and I think we should go on at least one date.

Granted I had never heard his name before last night's Tyson fight, which I didn't get to see, as I was otherwise occupied with a native Greek man who also has a sexy accent. Ladies, should you get the chance to date a Mediterranean or western European man, do so, and enjoy yourself fully.

While I love my non-American brothers, there is something special about a European. They see women totally differently and treat you as a woman - not as a "girl they hang out with". You know you are not friends, you know there is nothing casual in the conversation, you know that you are distinctly feminine as the prey, and they are the bold masculine hunter. You know you cannot date them seriously, because it is almost apparent that you are a conquest, and there are likely many other prey to be conquered in the wings.

But the experience is one to be enjoyed thoroughly. They will enjoy you and your crazy American ways, and you will feel absolutely transported to another locale as you spend time with them. Reality changes. Things slow down. But oh how quickly they progress. There is little shyness, no insecurity... all bold and amusing, and it's absolutely imperative that you stay on your toes.

I will not date the Greek man seriously, but he will be an excellent diversion for the time being. He gave me a new nickname that absolutely cracks me up. You have to imagine the Greek accent saying this, "Beckissimo", a play on the Italian word bellissimo (he speaks several languages). I questioned why it wouldn't be Beckissima, as I am feminine, but he explained that the masculine and feminine in language is to be used for adjectives, and that I am no adjective. I'm a noun. Too funny. Especially after a few martinis.

I've also decided to not share this blog with any of my future dates, so I can be free to discuss what I want, in as much detail as I want. I think it's important to be candid for blog entries - it's usually more entertaining that way.

If anyone gets the goods on Kevin McBride, don't be shy. I'm sure he's been inundated with fans by now, but a man always has to go home and be himself. I just need to know if he does that alone. ;-)

Uh-Oh. Hindsight really IS 20-20

I may have a tendency to overanalyze things. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing, since I don’t think most people analyze things nearly enough. Or at least not enough to derive any benefit from it. I recently learned a lesson from myself (wow, self taught life lessons… cool). It wasn’t anything major, just an adjustment I needed to make that I wasn’t fully aware of. It took being on the other side of a situation that I am rarely on – the receiving end of complete infatuation.

I met someone nice, fairly attractive, divorced, originally from Texas (lived in Botswana, Africa for a while, which interests me), formerly a gymnastics coach (so he gets my neuroses with the exercise and dieting) and lives in my city. Let’s call him “Tex” for the sake of this blog entry. Others may know him as “Flan Man” or another unmentionable nickname, but we’ll stick with Tex for now. ;)

We went out a few times, had an okay time, nothing great. It was pleasant enough. I was feeling kind of “eh” about the whole thing. I can sense chemistry almost immediately, and I knew there was, and would be, none. Yet I continued to accept dates with this man.

Nothing was WRONG with Tex, initially. We even had very similar taste in music, which is unusual. Tex was nice, polite, interested in whatever I wanted to do, showered me with compliments about traits I’ve never been complimented on, gazed at me in “that way”, NEEDED to see me more often and generally was totally into me. Or in his words, “quite taken” with me. It’s a little less ambiguous than “profound and serious”, so I’ll take it. Awesome. Everything you want to hear. Unless you don’t feel the same way.

Yet I continued to accept dates. I probably needed an ego boost, maybe it was just nice to hear a compliment or maybe I was foolishly waiting for some chemistry to kick in. Tex said he was experiencing an awakening of sorts (yeah, I can pick ‘em). His senses were coming alive and he wanted to be “awake” and living, as he feels I am. So that was interesting to watch. Some self discovery went on for Tex, and I’m happy to be the catalyst of that, as he said, but I really wasn’t getting anything more than the slight ego boost.

Since I wasn’t into Tex, I had a good amount of distance from the situation. I could take him or leave him, and I was getting bored. He gave insightful observations about me, my life, my body (blush), so I stuck around.

Having this distance with no attachment enabled me to look at the situation objectively. Here was this nice guy, into me, who said he would do anything for me, wanting a long term relationship… and I wasn’t feeling him and was even avoiding eye contact with him to avoid “the gaze”. By the fourth date, I felt uncomfortable.

Not uncomfortable with possible emotional intimacy and a relationship, but VERY uncomfortable with the realization that someone else in a recent past relationship might have felt this very same way I was feeling, but continued to see me and just sort of waited for things to “click”. What a horrible feeling.

I felt more and more uncomfortable with Tex as this set in. I thought, “Wow. I was Tex”. In the previous relationship, I went overboard and declared all kinds of feelings and thoughts that were never reciprocated, except for the above “profound…” bullshit. Part of me says I made an ass out of myself, and the other part of me says, “Damn girl, you were into him, and you let him know. Now what man wouldn’t want to hear those words from you? You dropped the game and went with your heart. How is that wrong?”

Eventually I had to tell Tex I could no longer see him. There was a side issue that sped things up, but I knew I couldn’t go on seeing him knowing that someone else had felt the same indifference and take it or leave it feeling about ME. The more I felt it with Tex, the more it reminded me that someone I deeply cared for felt it for me. Yuck.

Tex tried to convince me once we stopped dating and started a relationship, things would get a lot better. HUH? He sent me a few emails afterwards asking for another chance, but he hadn’t done anything wrong. I just wasn’t that into him.

Lesson learned: Don’t lead someone on for an ego boost (although I didn’t, someone with lesser intentions could have easily) and if you know there’s no chemistry, don’t wait around for it. I hate having my time wasted, and if anything, I might have wasted some of Tex’s. I faltered at my usual “do unto others” on this one. Bad Becky.


In other news, Mic messaged me the night before he left for the Caymans. He had broken up with Ms. DoesntlLikeSexAndGetsALotOfUTIs and wanted to know if I wanted to get together with him when he returned. Before I told him NO, I asked what had happened with my plane ticket. I mean, I should have been packing for the trip when he messaged me. Mic said there would have been too many connections and the flight was more than $1,000. I still don’t get what the point was.

Realizing there would be no last minute dash for the airport with Mic, I told him I didn’t see us together again because I need someone who ENJOYS giving oral. I didn’t even mention the tiny penis issue… I do have a few shreds of compassion. He responded with, “Well I would enjoy it when someone isn’t pushing my head down”.

Ah Mic, we’re just not compatible in the bedroom, are we?

Offline

I will be offline for the next few weeks. I am sure I will have plenty-a-story to tell when I return. Happy June!