It's now the day before my 30th birthday and I'm not feeling quite as centered and at peace with the world as I did in my previous post below. No, today I am feeling many different things.

Turning 30 is starting to freak me out slightly. What does this mean for me? Am I supposed to change somehow? I feel as if more is expected of me, now that I am an official "adult". Does this mean no more screw ups, no more buying sexy hot sandals instead of paying my electricity bill? Can I still be "me" and ALSO be 30? The two don't seem to go hand in hand.

Am I still young? Yes, I think so. But now, I think it's a different type of "young". Young compared to what's ahead for the rest of my life? Absolutely. Young as in fully capable of pulling the hot 18 year old at my gym? Not that I really want to, or would, but could I?

I'm not sure what turning 30 means. Maybe it means nothing. Maybe it's just another day.

What really sucks is that tomorrow, I will wake up on March 1, say Happy B-day to myself (or Feliz Cumpleanos, depending on my mood) and discover that I am snowed in with 17 feet of snow. All so I can sit at home and ponder my age and inner conflicts. Great.

I should be getting a psychic reading on Saturday in Salem, MA, so hopefully this will give me a bit of clarity. Or at least a year in review. And then we will have lunch, hopefully at Fuddruckers, where I'll have a big honking burger and fries, and a cookie for dessert. I'll need it to ground myself after the psychic. Yeah.

Everyone be safe during the storm.

Turning 30

Unbelievable.

I feel okay with being 30 (which won't actually happen until March 1, 2005 at 6:30 pm). I'm comfortable with myself and where I am in life, for the most part. I can't say I would have done anything differently in my twenties. I'm pretty much where I thought I'd be.

However. I thought by now I would have figured out what it is that I want to do professionally. I thought I would have "discovered my passion", followed it, struggled slightly and then become successful. So maybe by 40.

I didn't think I would still be in NH. When I was a little girl, I always thought I'd be in NYC by now, with some high status job and dating several successful and witty men whenever I felt like squeezing them in. In the past few years, I thought I would HAVE to move in order to be with my people.

Who are my people? I can't describe it, but I know them when I'm with them (which isn't very often). These are people who are friendly, genuinely nice, humorous, smart and fairly with it. I find aspects of this in people I meet while traveling, but rarely do I feel I am with my people. But I still have a lot of traveling to do! I am always hopeful.

I haven't made any goals tied into turning 30. I think it's a time to look back a little, evaluate what has happened and where it's gotten me, then boldly move on to the next decade of my life. If you think about it, I probably have 8 or 9 decades total to live, and I have just finished 3. Two-thirds of my natural life remains. That's a lot of traveling and a lot of figuring out and accomplishing to do. I feel well equipped - no major baggage (that hasn't been dealt with), no mental instability, I'm physically fit and generally happy with who I am. It'll be good.

That said, I have decided to go skydiving to celebrate turning 30 (I did say I have no mental instability, right? Just checking). I hope that my lover, partner, muse - there's no word that fully describes him (besides maybe SEXY - hope I'm not embarrassing you, baby) - will join me to specifically NOT celebrate his birthday on April 9.

Should be a good time.

Practicing self-love every day is so important, yet we often put it at the end of our list. Do the little things for yourself that no one else will - take a long bubble bath, cook yourself healthy and nutritious meals, take a walk just for the pleasure of it (not focusing on fitness), rent some movies, grab the PJ's and have a weekend to yourself. These things are on my list, but you know what little things make you happy. Write up a list and make the time to practice self-love. You deserve it.

Taking Care of Your Heart
by Arleen Kaptur

On Valentine's Day, we are proud to wear our hearts on our sleeves, on notebooks, gifts, and anywhere we want to add a touch of how we feel. Love is the word for the day and even children join in the fun with heart-shaped cards, candies with catchy phrases and boxes (heart-shaped, of course) that hold chocolates to give to mom, dad, grandparents, and everyone they love and care for.

Valentine's Day is a wonderful opportunity to show our feelings, our hopes for the future, and our fond memories of the past. It should also be a day that we show our love for who we are, where we came from, and where we intend to go. Wait a minute - loving yourself can go to extremes. We can lavish great luxuries on ourselves, much to the boredom of friends and those close to us, or we can feel guilty about caring about ourselves. There is a happy medium - a point that we can touch on that will let our heart know we care about the person it is beating for, and let our family and friends know that if we care about ourselves, we are well equipped to care about them.

How do you show that you care about yourself without become pompous and have an attitude? Well, reaching out to others expands the circle of people you know, bending a little to help others gives our rigid standards a bit of elasticity so we can appreciate the feelings of others, and stooping to help those who are down for the count actually makes us taller and our own outlooks brighter. Opening our hearts to those around us just gives strength to that "ole ticker" and letting even a stranger know that there is room in this world for each and every one of them, gives your space a bit more dimension. You see, whatever you do to and for others will rebound. This, however, is not a health hazard. It will make your life better, your hopes richer, and, not to mention, like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas, that size 5 heart will stretch and expand to size 10, 20, and really there is no boundary. This, however, is not a health hazard. Your heart will be healthier, stronger, bigger, lighter, and capable of loving more with each endeavor. The more you give of it, the more you get back. If you were in the business of finance, that is a solid ground to build a future on.

Whatever you do this Valentines Day, or the day before or the hundreds of days after, be good to your heart, and reap the rewards of loving and living in a world where there is room for everyone, and we can each have our own "space." The fountain of love never goes dry, and the mine of diamonds and gold never runs out of precious metals, and even outer space is not the limit to what people can do once they get started. Love yourself enough to love others and ENJOY!