Muffin

I hope to know the muffin man biblically. I resisted Muffin because of his age, but after observing him for a month, I'm down. It's all just a matter of logistics and timing now. George, you were right - he is a Muffin! Man. He's not gonna know what hit him.

In the void

Yo.

You ever get the feeling that something's gonna happen? Like any day now, something is going to happen, and my life will be forever changed. That's how I feel right now.

The new job is cool, if somewhat boring. The people are great and extra money is never bad. I have PAL1 to thank. I'm glad he needed a familiar friendly face in the pharmacy.

I underwent a very minor medical procedure last week that will help to improve my overall quality of life. I already feel it. No, I didn't get breast implants.

I see Gary Glancer at the gym more now than I did over the past year. After our last "date", I never called or emailed him. He emailed me, but I didn't reply. I saw him a while back at the gym, said hello, and he promptly disappeared into the mens locker room - and didn't emerge again. Pussy. LOL. Saw him again yesterday, said hello. He tried to start a convo but I wasn't having it. Don't waste my precious gym time, you pretentious prick, I should have said. Instead, I walked back to the squat rack and ran into my least favorite gym goer - the cousin of my stalker ex from 1999. He wanted to talk too, but my icy glare quickly discouraged him. Soon I may run into Karl at the gym, and he will be a much more welcome sight.

Oh. Making some interesting breakthroughs and revelations. Recognizing red flags from men more readily now. Realizing that the less I care about an outcome, the clearer minded I am. Also relearning that if I don't care about seeing some dude, don't return his calls and make him do 100% of the effort, dude wants me even more. I gently scoff at Al for playing mind games with all his hos (oops, I meant special ladies), but it does seem effective. I'm not purposely playing a game, I just don't have time or energy to mess with someone who is lost in life. Find your fucking way and if that way leads back to me and you've got your head on straight, cool. In the meantime, leave me alone. I'm not your mommy, I'm not here to fix you, encourage you to live better or get your act together. There are plenty of women out there looking to do all that. Waste their time, not mine.

Alright, now that I've vented...

Axis and Allies is a cool game if you have 12 hours free. I might join Cal at some role playing game thing, I'm not sure exactly what it is. If it doesn't last 12 hours, I'm down.

Loving that Sarah is hosting New Food Friday. Freaking genius. You cook something you've never made (and preferably never have eaten) before. Potluck style at the Love Muffin's pad. I like to cook, but I need a reason. So this is a positive thing.

What else. Christmas shopping is nearly complete. Nails are polished. Nice leg workout today. My mom's dog is happy. All is well. I'm just waiting for something to happen.

I'm not attracted to many men

But when I am, look out. My brass balls came out of my dress pants Monday afternoon. I didn't want to walk away, I didn't want to never see him again. So when he showed me his bare left hand, I went in for the kill. I asked this total stranger if he was seeing anyone. He was not. I called him that night. We went out two nights this week.

And as soon as it started, it ended.

He's in a much different place than me. I have ideas of what I'd like to do and where I'd like to be. He does not. It's okay. I'm glad I know now rather than 8 months from now. But damn he is sexy. We know some of the same people. We'll see each other again. I know I'll see him if I remain interested in local politics.

I always thought I'd marry a politician, and I've tried to conduct my public life as if I would. It won't be this one, but I'd still like to kiss him.

Dipping My Toe Back In

Ok, I've gone on 1.5 dates. With Gary Glancer, the dude I met at the gym last summer. He finally asked me out. We met at a restaurant after we went to our respective homes to shower and change - whereupon I bumped into 1. A girl from my chemistry class and 2. My friend Alan and his lovely fiance Kate.

Gary was waiting for me at the bar. For some reason, I wasn't as attracted to him as I was last year. We talked, ate, talked, ate. Then he brought up the subject of astrology. And leaned back to show me his YIN AND YANG BELT BUCKLE. WTF. Like, huge, lacquered belt buckle. It was almost embarrassing.

We ended up at Barnes and Noble, he with a triple shot espresso, me with a bottle of water. We perused astrology books and boy did we learn a lot about each other. So much, in fact, that I reminded him I am recuperating from an upper respiratory infection, on antibiotics, and would feel awful if he got it. Hint: Give me some distance, partner.

Gary is a successful attorney in Bedford, divorced for a year, and not one bit introspective or self examining. Kind of one of those people to whom stuff "just happens" and they cannot see their role in any of it. We've all been at that state of denial in our lives, but dude is 10 years older than me, studies Eastern philosophy and religion, so I kind of expected more.

Not wanting to dismiss him too quickly, being my first date since March and all, I agreed to meet him for dinner tonight at 7 pm. I was home by 7:30. I literally did not like this guy so much that I used the lamest excuse in the book - "I'm not feeling well" and bolted the heck out of there. "There" being the Commercial Street Fishery, which his friend owns, to whom I was introduced. By whom I was quickly dismissed. Nice.

So that went well. No more curiosity about Gary Glancer, I have all I need to know. He asked me to call him when I return from whitewater river rafting in Maine this weekend. I won't.


Aside from that, a hang up call from Billy. Mature. I know he will read this eventually, because all of my exes develop a weird obsession with me after we break up, so Billy - DELETE MY FUCKING NUMBER AND NEVER CALL ME AGAIN.


Looking forward to rafting this weekend with some very quality people. I'm sure I'll have tons of pictures from the trip, so check my myspace page in a few weeks for those. Also planning a 3-4 day trip in Philadelphia, mostly to catch some live music, R & B, soul, maybe even some hip hop. And I'll take a picture of my Philly cheese steak for y'all. That's gotta count as post Rocky stair running nutrition, right?

At Present

I haven't written anything in a long time, but someone recently told me that they still check my blog for updates! Aww you missed me! So here we go:

Let's see, in the past five months, I've:

Joined a volleyball league
Resumed therapy (more on why later)
Started training for a half marathon
Taken a chemistry class to fulfill a nursing school requirement - and earned an A!
Not gone on one date (shocking I know, but more on this, too)
Attended church services more frequently and starting to get involved with a group

I think that's it. Oh and someone with whom I used to have intimacy and not a relationship has been back in touch, but I've made a commitment to myself to not resume that whole deal. It would just be taking a step backwards. Very tough decision, but I think it'll pay off in the end.

So where am I now. On the verge of greatness. Ready to start school, but scared and unsure of the finances involved. A little lonely. Made some new friends and had to dismiss a few (due to totally incompatible moral values). Feeling really pretty good about myself and where I am emotionally and physically. Mentally confident from taking a ridiculously intense chemistry class. Excited about learning to kayak next weekend in Newport, RI. Stocked with enough Lean Cuisine to ease my anxiety.

I'll get more into some details later, but for now I must lift my freaking ass off at the gym. Later!

Life

I had a dream last week that my cousin Jessica told me she has breast cancer. I cried and hugged her. When I woke up, I thought to myself, "gee, I haven't done a self breast exam in a while". I had a routine GYN appointment the next day, so I logged onto the Susan G. Komen website and reacquainted myself with the exam.

A couple years ago, I had a spot inside my left breast that hurt right before my period. It felt like a grape. I talked to my old nurse practitioner about it, and she said it was part of the hormonal changes during a cycle, and indeed, the pain did go away after my period each month. If anything changed, we could look further into it.

Last Thursday night, while performing my self exam, I noticed a big change. The grape was gone. There was no tenderness. In its place was what I can only describe as a mass. Totally different texture than the other breast tissue, very different than my right breast. When you feel the texture of your breast, it can feel fibrous, lumpy, etc. Mine feel fibrous. With this mass, I couldn't get my fingers into it - there was no fibrous texture. More solid. And big.

At my appointment I asked if someone could do an exam. I told her the changes I felt, and she agreed that it felt totally different than the other tissue. Luckily, I am a patient at one of the best OB/GYN offices in Manchester. They tested and resolved a recent problem I had that my previous caregiver had not been able to figure out. So I'm confident I am in good hands.

She told me that I "got to go throught the process". They would make an appointment for me to see a doctor at the Breast Health Center, where one of the physicians was rated best of NH for six years. When the front desk called for my appointment, they were told nothing was available. They told them my age and that I have a breast mass. Suddenly I have an appointment tomorrow morning. Apparently at this place, they keep you there until they figure it out. So there's no "do this test, go home, wait, come back, do another test, wait". They'll start with an ultrasound. If they find something from that, they'll do a mammogram. If they find something from that, they'll do a biopsy, etc.

I told my new GYN practitioner that I wasn't going to panic. She said I was taking it very well. Of course, I looked way into that statement, and thought, "Should I be taking this hard? Or is that just the usual reaction, to panic?" I think it's the latter. I can't panic until they tell me something is wrong. What would be the point? I just have to go through the process and see what happens. I have no history of any cancer in my family. I'm young, not obese, and pretty freaking healthy. I have only one of the risk factors, which is starting your period before a certain age.

When I left the office Friday, I thought how much I needed Nick with me to get through Monday. How much I needed him to sit with me in the doctor's office and joke with me and support me. I just felt like a scared little girl who needed someone to love her and tell her everything would be okay, and hold my hand when I needed it. And tap my arm veins until blood squirted on the floor from the IV insertion, like he did when I had surgery in January. I missed him and felt a hole inside of me at that moment, driving from the doctor's office. I wondered who would help me through this. And my first thought was of Jesus. Once again, he will pick me up and carry me, and send me competent and skilled physicians and supportive people to appear in my life. If Nick wasn't there, I would still go through it and be okay. He isn't a part of my life anymore, and that needs to remain in the past. I also feel somewhat relieved that I am going through this as a single person. I can focus on myself totally and do what I need to do, without concern for anyone else. A great time to be selfish.

Of course, I'm thinking a lot about a potential diagnosis. Wondering what it feels like to have cancer. And do I know what that feels like now? Ha ha. And should I appreciate this time of blissful unawareness, because tomorrow my life may change in a very drastic way? If they do find something, I am ready for the fight. I've tackled some stuff in my life, this would be no different.

My family doesn't know about this. I've told my supervisor at work, since I'll be out most of the day, and two friends. A large percentage of breast abnormalities are totally benign, so there is no point in worrying my family. I'll tell them if nothing is found. If something is, I may need help in telling them. My aunt is a nurse so I think I would call her and ask her to come up and help me tell them. She could answer a lot of the clinical questions and statitistical stuff.

So all I can do is get a good night's sleep, relax, and trust that I am being evaluated by NH's best breast health physicians, and receiving personal care by one of their practitioners who specialize in high risk breast cancer (being 32 would make me high risk). I trust that and I take some comfort in it. Also knowing God is with me all the time and through each step. I praised Him in Easter service today, and I will continue to, as He is the one who truly is always there for me.

Update: Totally normal breast tissue! Hurray! Basically lots of fat loss and normal "sagging" made some breast tissue migrate together and form an island. Weird, huh? So if I gain weight, cut back on caffeine and salt, it will become a lot less noticeable. I can't say I intend to do any of those, but at least I know what it is and I am still one healthy, cool chick.

Dream

To dream that you are at somebody else's funeral, signifies that you are burying an old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go some of the feelings that you've been clinging onto.

To dream that you are watching the snow fall, represents a clean start and a fresh, new perspective. It is indicative of spiritual peace and tranquility.

My horoscope for today

The New Moon Eclipse today occurs in your sign, marking an end to one phase of your life. It's up to you, however, to bring closure to recent events, so you are free to move on. Don't be afraid to feel the intensity of an emotional loss, which can help you process your feelings. Remember, elimination is a necessary natural process that is required prior to renewal.

Six Months!

Wow where did the time go? Six months with Mr. H and I am just as happy now as I was at 6 weeks and 6 days. Maybe even more so now, because I have a better idea of what I've gotten myself into.

Nick was 100% here for me when I had outpatient surgery last month. He waited in my little recovery room and even assisted with the insertion of my IV. Darn veins. Anyway, Nick is an extremely special person and he simply means the world to me. Six months came fast, but in some ways it feels longer. Emotional intimacy at its finest. Truly a gift from God.

I'll update again at six years.



Ha ha! Maybe in a little while, like for my birthday or when Ms. Emily comes to visit from Cheese Land.

New Year's Eve Times Square NYC!

Us in Times Square


In front of the Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center







Nick treated us all to a horse drawn carriage ride!