Goodbye Kristi!

Kristi from the pharmacy is leaving us to go live with her BOYFRIEND in Indiana! Part of me says, "Damn, that girl is crazy" and another part says, "Damn, that girl has guts". Big risk = Big payoff? Hopefully!

Kristi's going away party is at the Uptown Tavern Friday night in beautiful downtown ManchVegas.

I've been there one time.

I will return for Kristi's party! KAP and I plan to walk in together so we won't be too afraid. It's kind of a biker bar... I won't describe it too much further until after I go tomorrow. Maybe it's different now!

Aside from Kristi leaving us, the next most important item on my agenda was, "What will I wear to such an event?" Let's say I think (or hope) I've got the biker chick look covered.

Toast will be performing tomorrow. The two tracks on their page sound decent. Last I remember there was some hip hop upstairs? I hope so! I haven't been out shaking it in a LONG time.

Kristi, we will miss your smiling face and impromptu massages! We know you'll be back to visit, so stay in touch! See you tomorrow ;-)

Recent Date Results

Sunday I met David from the seacoast. We met at this little place in Exeter called Loaf and Ladle, which I highly recommend. The Iberian chicken stew was to die for. David and I had very little to no chemistry, but later, as we walked along the Exeter River, we found we had some things in common, and I realized that David and I could be true friends someday. I think he also picked up that vibe, and he even called me on my new cell phone (yes, you read that right) as I drove home to tell me he thought we met for a reason, but more on a friendly term than romantic. So that was cool.

Tonight I went out with John again. The engineering co-founder dude. I met him at the company so he could show me his machine (ha ha). I wasn't very interested, but it's partially his invention, he has patents on a some stuff, and they make a profit. He showed me "geek heaven", the R & D center of his company, and he was pretty excited. He had a nice gift for me in his office, a bottle of Penfolds Bin 389 Cabernet Shiraz, vintage 2002.

We walked next door to the old Hannah Jack Tavern, which is now a Common Man restaurant. I had a nice meal. He chose the wine to complement my food, and we talked more about this and that. One thing John is very good at is planning dates. He asked me if I was free this weekend, because he would like to take me to the Museum of Fine Arts, Boston, and then to this restaurant called Elephant Walk. Supposedly, it's one of Ben Affleck's favorite Boston restaurants. But he said he chose it because it is Cambodian/French cuisine and I like to try new ethnic foods. Hallelujah. Someone gets it.

He asked me specific questions about kids, what I wanted for my future, etc. I told him I didn't want kids, I pictured a marriage with love, devotion, and also throwing parties and going on vacations, and enjoying each other. He seemed relieved and told me it sounded perfect, and by the way, he had a vasectomy. I gave him the thumbs up as I poked through my chicken and portabella mushroom salad. So at least we wanted the same thing. However. During dinner, John got comfortable, took my foot under the table, started massaging it, and told me something fairly disturbing. It was kind of a deal breaker. The kind that made me say in my mind, "Well, that's not surprising (due to my dating experience). Maybe you should stop touching me now."

So we walked back to my car, I got my bottle of wine that I will share with another man sometime down the road, came home and replied to more emails from the personals website I am now on. I'm just not in the mood to waste time. Would I love to go to the MFA this weekend? Yes. Would I love to try this restaurant in Boston? Absolutely. Is it worth me spending the day with someone I don't want a future with? Definitely not.

I'm getting up early tomorrow for a run. I'm looking forward to that much more than anything else right now. But the weekend is still far away!

Updates to follow as warranted.

The Men, the men, the men!

Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Thursday's coming, and I'm thinking of you.
Maybe we'll share a sammie made of pulled pig,
or perhaps some chicken as we check out KC's gig.
I know it will be fun 'cause bbq just can't be wrong,
and like our boy Lyle, I just might sing you a song.
Ah, maybe not, my sing'n isn't really all that great.
Either way I hope you're look'n forward to our date.

('cause i am)

I received that poem before my date with John last night. He threatened to dress like Lyle Lovett, so that's the Lyle reference.

It's sad to have to say this, but I so much enjoyed just sitting and talking to someone who also wanted to hear what I had to say. He asked me lots of questions and asked for my opinion on a work situation he was negotiating. He's the vice president of engineering and co-founder of his company, so I'm not sure how much I had to add, but it felt good to be asked.

We found an old antique car show close to the KC's Rib Shack. I had to take a peek before it got too dark. There were some interesting cars, but one really blew me away. It was a 1947 Chevy 2 door convertible. I looked inside and was a little surprised to see a small bench seat. Now, I know there were no bucket seats back then, but I was suprised at the length. People were smaller (thinner) then, but I also thought how romantic it might be to basically be forced to sit so close.

From there we dined on pulled pork, dry rub chicken, cornbread, applesauce, onion rings and cole slaw. It was quite a feast. I invited him to sit on the same side of the table with me, as I sometimes like to do, and we talked for a long time. We actually shut the place down.

We moved over to Unwined and had a glass of wine each. We talked about all sorts of things. He gave me three sunflowers and a little kiss at my car. It was a nice time.

Now, although it was nice and I will definitely see him again, I have another date this weekend that I am still very much looking forward to. David and I seemed to connect a little deeper right off the bat - not to say John and I won't, but it was easier and faster with David. The way he came about his current career is inspiring. He's a real estate developer who's doing good work and at the same time making a profit. He seems to have a balance of knowing the good life, and appreciating it, as well as enjoying getting dirty (like in the dirt sense, not the frisky sense - yet).

I never used to have a problem dating a few men at once, but it's a bit of a challenge for me right now, mostly due to time constraints, I think. I may add a third into the mix (a very persistent Scorpio with a Harley from Kittery, Maine), but not until after this weekend.

Hope you all enjoy the weekend. I'll be working! And dating!

Boiled lobster and pulled pork

Yesterday I ceremoniously and officially said good bye to the spineless Billy by submerging two live lobsters into boiling water. The lobsters, are of course, symbolic in that they provide part of his livelihood. The submerging and ultimate killing of the lobsters was a good way to end things in my mind. I no longer have room for weak, lying, selfish men in my life.

This Thursday evening, I will be dining on pulled pork and other southern barbecue with a new friend. John is from the mid-Atlantic and appreciates good barbecue. He also asks me questions about myself and listens to my answers. He doesn't let me get away with asking a question and not answering it myself. Of course, this is all preliminary courtship stuff and may fall by the wayside in a few short months. I'll know to keep a sharp eye early on for any selfish or one sided behavior. This will no longer be tolerated in my relationships.

I believe in myself. I believe my life will grow and flourish into whatever I wish. I can now see what I let happen in the past year. I won't blame myself or beat myself up over it. I will acknowledge it, learn from it, and move on. I will return to my true essence and give a warm embrace to the self who tolerated bad behavior and destructive actions and inactions - she needs the hugs, but she also needs to know there is a better way. I'm open to love - most of all, self love. I will tell myself the things I need to hear. I won't search for approval or affirmation outside of myself. It's all within, and it's who I need to hear from most.

I am powerful.
I am strong.
I am beautiful.
I am worthy.
I am a child of God.
I am smart.
I am good enough.
I am everything I need me to be.

I am me.

Happy Father's Day

Here is to all the fathers who love and support their children, who accept them the way they are and like them as people. I hope you all had an enjoyable day, dedicated to you.

I recently uncovered an unfortunate pattern in my life. I've been reading up on the Imago relationship theory. The basic idea is that we, as children, imprint on our minds traits and characteristics of our caretakers, both positive and negative. This imprint is known as the Imago (Latin for image). As we grow into adulthood, we subconsciously seek people who fit this image, and become very attracted to them. Now, this isn't as simple as, "My dad was a compulsive gambler, so I'm attracted to compulsive gamblers". That would be too simple and obvious. Anyone with half a brain could figure out that type of pattern, and if they wished to, change it. The Imago theory is deeper and stems from the subconscious.

I tried to look back at patterns in my failed important relationships. None of the men were at all alike. Rob was a Marine, sports fanatic, craved my constant attention and was generally shy in public. When were alone, he talked my ear off. He was very proud of my weight loss and was great support. He wanted to please me and did what he could do to make me happy.

Richard, on the other hand, was not especially talkative. After Rob, it was nice having SOME silence. Richard didn't talk just to talk. When he had something to say, he said it, and it was usually something that added value to our conversations. We spent many hours together just talking - sharing ideas and learning about each others culture. He was proud of me and protected me when we socialized. He continually made eye contact with me and I never felt alone - always connected. He always considered me in his plans and was interested in my opinions and thoughts. When this relationship ended, I was devastated.

Billy was loud, boisterous and had a need to assert himself in almost any situation, public or private. It was his smile and easy manner that initially attracted me to him. He made me laugh and introduced me to new things. I didn't see him often enough to uncover some of the lies that he seemed to be good at keeping me from.

None of the important men in my life seemed to have common traits. I couldn't find the pattern.

One commonality was the way two of them left. I felt abandoned by Richard and abandoned by Billy. Here were two men who claimed to love me, yet could leave me. And did. I started to feel very angry about this. How could they say they love me? Was that a lie? In both cases, they said the "L" word first. Richard told me he loved me before I was ready to say it back, and I waited until I was good darn ready before I said anything.

Then my sister called with family news. I became angry at what she told me. I had been feeling angry with Billy for a few days. Suddenly I was angry at my father. And then it struck me. My problem wasn't with Billy. Yeah, he's a fuck-up and doesn't want to acknowledge or change that, but that's not my issue. MY issue is with my father. I suddenly saw the pattern that was so elusive to me before. All I had to do was take my words of anger against Billy (and back then, Richard), and replace them with my dad.

How could HE do this to me? How can a father treat his own daughters like he has?
How do you love someone and abandon them? In my father's case, it was emotional abandonment at a critical developmental stage in my life. How does one believe they're loved if it's so frigging easy to be left? It's amazing I stll believe in love after being let down so many times.

I've dated all types. Military. Business executives. A doctor. Lawyer. Independent filmmaker. Accountant. A McDonald's employee. Car salesman. Graphic Designer. A lobster catcher. Black men, Latino men, Jewish, White, Caribbean men. And next on my list is a real estate developer from the seacoast and a Vice President of engineering closer to where I live. I've rolled the dice with my heart a few times and ended up with the same result. So what is WRONG?

I hadn't seen my dad since about 2001. Today, on Father's Day, as I drove to the gym, I passed him in his car. We were driving on the same street. He didn't see me, of course. I wonder if he would recognize me if he had. Not because I look much different, but because his mind is at such an advanced stage of alcoholism. He's been at a point of mental and physical breakdown for some years. I can only imagine where he's at now.

Seeing him today drove home to me that I need to finish the crap that my dad left me with. I'm angry that I'm left with the aftermath and that it has affected my relationships with men. I'm hoping that once I get a lot of this stuff worked out, I'll find myself attracted to a new Imago, one that is healthy and won't leave me with so much disappointment.

Movie Recommendation

You all know I don't normally recommend films. I saw one tonight that impressed me, and I would highly recommend it to anyone I know.

The film is called Shopgirl. It stars Claire Danes and Steve Martin. It's based on a novella that Steve Martin himself wrote.

I just read a review of this film, and I'm shocked that the following parallel was made:

"Edward Hopper was the great painter of urban loneliness. Shopgirl had two perfectly composed and lit shots that could pass for Hopper paintings -- the one where we first see Mirabelle behind the glove counter at Saks, and the one where she solves the problem of how exactly to cross the intimacy threshold with Ray for the first time. Both involve the display of exquisite merchandise to customers who have excellent taste but don't quite appreciate the full value of what's being offered."

In my Represent blog post, I posted an Edward Hopper artwork. I captioned it "alone and contemplative". I've felt a connection to Hopper's work since high school, and I am amazed that someone drew a comparison to this film, which I enjoyed so much, with an artist with whom I feel.

I think both men and women who have been in relationships will see the value in the story. Maybe watch it with the one you're with, or grab some ice cream and watch it alone until the tears flow, which is what I did, minus the ice cream. My appetite is coming back, but I'd still like to fit into those size 7 jeans.

A Long Walk

The song my blog is named after. Hope you enjoy the amazing Jill Scott.
Press Play.






Jill Scott - A Long Walk

A New Chapter

I've been having some of the best runs in the past two weeks than I've ever had in the year since I started. I mean, really enjoyable, nice runs. I think it's mainly because I don't have anything weighing heavily on my mind. A run is a great time to think clearly, work out problems... so no wonder my runs over the last few months haven't been enjoyable. Too much had been on my mind. I had, what seemed to me, to be unsolvable dilemmas. I couldn't come to any conclusions. That can be very unsatisfying.

I decided not to purge any old thoughts or feelings about the *Stars* in my old little black book. I have some great memories over the years and have known some fascinating men. They each offered me a unique opportunity to learn different things about myself and what I want. Some were hard lessons, others were enjoyable (ahem). I'll look back on some with fondness, others with disgust. Each were in my life for a reason, and I have to stress the word were. There are lots of people I have yet to meet, each with something to offer. I'm optimistic about my future. I'm looking forward to what the summer brings!

The Little Black Book is Closed Forever

My friend Jonathan has been counseling me a few weekday mornings over the phone from Korea. If you think I've had dating adventures, you need to talk to Jon.

Jon told me I need to toss out the Little Black Book and don't look back. I agreed with him, but didn't feel it until now. If I am truly ready to enter the type of relationship I want, I need to create the S P A C E for that to happen. If I fill that energy with reconsidering old flames that never worked in the first place, I'll never have the space necessary for allowing in someone totally new.

As part of this process, and as a great source of entertainment to you, the reader, I'm gonna purge. I'll try not to be too long winded with all the details, as I have several male readers who like lots of pictures and short paragraphs ;-)

More later.

It's like they were there.

I took this Yahoo! relationship test thing today. It told me quite a bit about myself, who I attract, and who might be best for me. I had to answer some questions on the last relationship I was in, and here was the analysis:

How to Stop Repeating the Past

"You need to find a less critical and neglectful partner (Gee, I should have taken this test months ago).

All serious relationships bring a mixture of good stuff (such as caring, support, and acceptance) and bad stuff (such as criticism, neglect, and manipulation). In the test, when you looked back on your last relationship, you recalled giving more good stuff than he did, while he gave more of the bad stuff.

Specifically, you often felt ignored and neglected by your Ex. He was probably a very independent man who needed a lot of "space." However, based on what you described, it sounds like he intentionally excluded you from his life at times and put up emotional barriers, too. You probably came to feel very lonely, even when the two of you were together.

It's easier for a couple to weather bad stuff when they also share a lot of good exchanges. You gave a lot to your partner, for example, in the form of practical help and support. By helping him with household chores, errands, or other tasks, you tried to make his life a little easier. Love to you obviously means doing whatever you can to make your partner happy.

There's something appealing about the vulnerability and complexity of "neurotic" men. You can handle and appreciate his emotional depth, as long as he doesn't turn his emotionality on you. Sometimes you can be an easy target to blame for his confusion and unhappiness. Certainly, life will be easier if you avoid these men altogether. Life could also get pretty boring without him. So, if you choose to be in a relationship with a neurotic man, it's crucial that the two of you set realistic expectations. He can't expect you to solve all of his problems, and you can't expect him to be calm and upbeat all the time. You also have to make rules for how he can act toward you. The blaming and criticism of each other has to end. You're his ally and supporter, not his enemy. Unfortunately, he may need to be reminded of that fairly often.

Learn to control the control freaks. You're drawn to organized, disciplined, and successful men. Unfortunately, these same men can be demanding and judgmental at times. You may be drawn to each other because of your differences and contrasts, but once you're in a relationship he may insist things go his way. The simple solution is to weed out the control freaks early on. Be especially cautious with men who think there's only one way to do things: His way! Otherwise, your best strategy is to beat him at his own game. He likes structure, so set new ground rules for your relationship. Let him know which topics are off limits for criticism and where you're open and strictly not open for change."

Of course, I am far from perfect and I'm sure there's someone out there who needs to avoid me - haha! But here's my personality and love style - woo woo.

Individualist
She's her own woman—imaginative, curious, and shrewd. She's chosen her own path in life. Some see her as eccentric, but she's simply a free spirit who won't do things just to please others. Her intelligence, creativity, and knack for doing the unexpected makes her fun and exciting to be around.

The Personality Types she prefers

Idealist
He's an Idealist with a unique set of skills that make him the perfect diplomat and champion of those in need. He leads and inspires people with his vision, but also has the pragmatic skills to make things happen. Whether it's on an international level or in his own backyard, he can make dreams come true.

The Personality Type recommended for her

Observer
He strives to find inner peace in a non-peaceful world. His quiet, gentle, and cautious nature always sets him apart. While others on a team are talking, arguing, or making impulsive decisions, he sees the underlying issues and makes objective recommendations.


Her Love Style
Romantic
She wants a lasting connection on every level—mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual. She will be a patient, persistent seeker of the man of her dreams. She knows destiny will deliver him, too, and they'll experience a love most people can only dream about.

Love Styles that fit with her

Romantic
He wants a lasting connection on every level—mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual. He will be a patient, persistent seeker of the woman of his dreams. He knows destiny will deliver her, too, and they'll experience a love most people can only dream about.

Passionate
He is free to love intensely and completely on mental, emotional, spiritual, and sexual levels. When he connects it's immediate and intense. Over time he may have several "great loves." What starts with physical attraction can blossom into a more intimate love and in time can evolve into a deep commitment.

Sounds good to me!

This stuff is easy to see now, and honestly, when I tell some of you some stuff that happened, your reactions help confirm that this was a very unhealthy relationship. I'm more determined than ever to find someone who will treat me the way that I deserve, and love me for me.

Take the test yourself.

The End is a New Beginning

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed in a US airstrike!

I watched him behead Nick Berg. It was one of those unfortunate videos that made it to the internet unedited. I had to watch it, and it stayed with me for several weeks. I couldn't fathom the animalistic cruelty, the complete disregard for human life. But to them, we are not human, we are infidels. I wonder how many virgins he met upon his death? My guess is that Satan raped HIS virgin ass - what a twist.

I don't think I've ever been happy about someone dying. It's hard not to rejoice, but it also makes me think of the radical muslims dancing in the street after 9/11. We'd like to think we are so far removed from such viciousness, but here I am, celebrating al-Zarqawi's death. In radical muslims' minds, we are probably just as evil as al-Zarqawi is to us.

Closer to home, the end of a relationship truly signifies a new beginning. I feel much more my sassy self and I'm very much looking forward to developing a lasting relationship with someone special, who also deserves me.

Through the anxiety/depression weight loss diet, I'm back to a weight I'm pretty comfortable with. I had gained 5-7 pounds after my job transfer, and was having a hard time taking it off. Now I'm below where I started, and I'd like to lose another 5-10 pounds. It may put me into a size 6, which would be phenomenal.


I had a very exciting surprise yesterday! I'd been looking for Yerba Mate tea. It's grown in South America and is known for several health benefits, including appetite suppression. I thought I'd have to buy it online, but I found it in a Latino market on Union Street! I also got a bombilla, a special straw needed to drink the tea, as it's brewed loose leaf and stays in the cup. The bombilla helps filter out the leaves and stems (yes, we're still talking about tea). I think I burned the leaves on my first infusion, so I'll need to be more careful next time.

The weekend is almost here! PAL1 and I are going to see The Rusty Cadillacs LIVE in concert ;-) which is always a great time. The band is great, and the members (one in particular) are great people.

Once again I want to thank everyone who has been here for me. You guys are very special and I'm so fortunate to have you in my life. I feel pretty good (no tears in 3 days), but that's not to say I won't ever have a setback. This relationship deeply affected me (positively AND negatively, which I realize only now) and I'm sure it will take some time to fully recover. I'm very lucky to have supportive, wonderful people in my life to help me and give me reality checks when I need them (like Monique's TOOL comment - HA!).

Thank you

I was a little surprised at the influx of emails I received after posting my last entry. I wanted to email everyone the link to that one, because I didn't want to have to deal with "How's Billy?" in a couple of weeks. All your emails have been extremely supportive and I can feel the caring and empathy behind them. You have no idea how much that means to me. Caring, compassion and empathy were vital human emotions that were lacking in the relationship. I think that's why it can be so baffling for me (and others) to understand.

When I told my friends from Neighborcare on Friday what happened, the look of genuine concern and compassion for me really hit home. This is how people who care about you act. This is how people look at someone who's basically a good person who's been hurt badly for no good reason.

How could Billy look at me crying in his truck, deeply hurt and upset, and only think to defend "what he said". He refused to try to put himself in my shoes and see things from my side, even if he couldn't understand. I shouldn't have to try to convince someone that it's normal and HUMAN to identify with someone's pain, no matter if they're a friend, girlfriend, or simply anyone in need.

My sister and brother-in-law have been an invaluable part of my recovery from this relationship. They spent the entire day with me on Saturday and through their hilarious wit and humor, really got through to me that I'm okay - there's nothing more I should have or could have done. I felt more myself when I left their place.

I went on my first date last night. Normally I like to take time (usually lots of time) to reflect on what happened and try to learn from it before moving on. I don't feel that this is necessary this time around. I'm not confused. Billy put up a charade and the "show" of having a real relationship as long as he could. Life pressures entered the picture and he couldn't deal whatsoever. I need someone around through thick and thin, not when it's simply convenient. There's not much I need to try to figure out from that.

So I went to dinner with my date. It was more or less a time to get dressed up, look pretty and receive some much needed compliments.

I'm looking forward to spending some time with my family and friends. It is so comforting to be in the presence of people who really know me and care about me as a person. You guys get it. Thank you for being there.

Single Again

After what I thought was a mutually loving and forward moving relationship, things have come abruptly to an end. I was dumped. Over the phone.

I was issued an ultimatum. Either move in with Billy, or I'd be cut loose. If it's so easy to give up on our relationship and leave me, why on earth would I feel safe and uncomfortable moving in?

The house he lives in is being sold. The only thing I can figure is that he wants a roommate, not a girlfriend or partner. Since I'm not fitting the bill as a roommate, I was cut loose.

I'm angry that I was told I was loved, that I was important and that he saw a future with me. What can I think now besides that this was all lip service?

I've been learning how to express my anger rather than bottling it up. I've been punching my mattress, pretending it's Billy, screaming and crying. I scream, "How could you do this to me?!" most often. I wasn't anything special to him, obviously. I am actually surprised at the depth of my hurt. I had made myself vulnerable to him, thinking that we were on a path to emotional intimacy and sharing, and our love deepening. I was more open than ever, yet he reduced our relationship to being simply inconvenient.

I'm having a lot of trouble getting through my work day without crying. I try to escape into the ladies room to cry some, but at times I'm caught by surprise at my desk. Thoughts of our vacation to Florida creep in my mind. Mostly I think about sitting next to Billy in the bass boat as we drove around the lake. I felt so connected to him and special and loved. I guess that was all a lie.

Anyway, I guess it's time to move on again. I want more than a roommate. I want a devoted, caring, compassionate man who is truly interested in building a future with me. This wasn't it.