Secrets

I came across this blog the other night: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

As I read through the postcards, I think about my secrets and how big or small they are. I have shared my big secrets with my man, Billy, and with a few friends. I find the more I talk about the big ones, the less power they hold over me.

It's the small secrets that are okay to hold close and keep to ones self, I think. I sort of wonder if those small secrets will gradually unfold as my relationship with Billy grows. He already knows I'm a slob. My co-workers wouldn't know that, since I like to keep a clean and neat workspace. Most of my friends don't know that, because I try to clean my apartment as much as possible before they come over.

Billy knows it because he ended up in my closet trying to put together a sexy outfit for me to model one night. I know that closet is a disaster, and now he knows it. But strangely, I am not all that embarrassed. I thought, "well, he was gonna find out anyway".


What might also be a secret to most people who know me is that I hate and like running. It's hard. I do races to stay motivated. I'm usually not having a great time while running. Usually I am thinking about my level of tiredness and how much further I have to go.

On the other hand, when I reach my mileage, I feel a sense of accomplishment as I huff and puff to catch my breath. When I lay down to stretch, I feel great. Then I might think, "That wasn't so bad". I'm glad I did it. And I don't think about my next run until the next day.

If I could be fit and slim by weightlifting alone, I'd be one buff chick. I LOVE to lift. I could lift all day. Some heavy ass weights, too, not some cute pink dumbbells. I like when people look at me in surprise at the gym when I deadlift. Or when I do bent over rows with 30's. I'm not at the gym to pick up men or look cute. I work my ass off in the gym. And I love it.

If I could ever feel the same way about running as I do lifting, I'd be very happy, and probably look pretty good, too. I run to get through a run. I like that I can run. My body is healthy enough to run 5 miles and not take days to recover. There is no pain, just aches. And since I am healthy enough to do it, I should. So I do. But I don't love it.


Another secret is probably one most everyone has. When I'm at work, I am constantly biting my tongue or feeling exasperated at the level of incompetence and lack of focus I see five days per week. Sometimes it bothers me so much that I feel on edge and ready to go off on the person who can take up to a full 30 seconds (if you don't think that's long, sit and watch a second hand on a watch) to gather their thoughts - AFTER they've gotten my attention - to spit some inane info out that I have already heard twice in as many days. That doesn't count the first five times I heard it when I first started there.

At first I was insulted that this person thinks I have no memory retention, or that I am just an idiot who needs things repeated. Then I realized that this person has no memory retention and is completely incompetent in the job they've been hired to do. It baffled me that any kind of management would think this person is capable of leading anyone or anything, but then came to the conclusion that's exactly what they wanted. I work in a very sick place. But it's entertaining when it's not annoying. Especially on that person's day off.

Some secrets are better kept as such. If I went off on this person each time I came to a boiling point, I'd no longer have a job. And that would mean no more apartment, which would mean no closet for Billy to look through for naughty-wear, which would mean we'd still have a great time, just not in my bedroom with the red light. And that would also be okay, because we can have a great time anywhere together.


A few years ago, a man I was casually seeing (in front of a fireplace, on the floor with many pillows) asked me to tell him a secret. It seemed very forward and for some reason, I went directly to one of my biggest secrets. I could have told him some small, insignificant thing, but I didn't. He listened intently. He seemed to get it. I think he understood the range of emotions I felt. What is better than knowing that someone knows where you're coming from? It's very powerful.

I don't know why I told him one of my big ones. He said it would hold less power over me the more I talked about it. Since that day, after telling a virtual stranger one of my innermost, private secrets, it has become easier to tell. And that may be the reason we met. I didn't see him after that day, but the act was helpful, and the fooling around on the floor was incredible. One of the top 10's. Ha ha!

Must... Own... Someday...

I didn't win Powerball

Powerball, the interstate lottery game, was up to a $340 million jackpot. I didn't win. Why?
I think I would put the money to the best use. Certainly better than the 92 year old man who probably won who'll say he's not going to change a thing in his life. WTF.

I would change a LOT.

I have my plan mapped out from the moment I read my ticket and discover I have the winning numbers.

Step 1. Call tax accountant and attorney. Determine whether it's best for me to take the annuity or a lump sum. I really don't understand why people take the lump sum, but there has to be some tax advantage I'm not aware of.

2. Assemble immediate family to make the announcement.

3. Call my job and tell them I need an emergency personal day - no reason given.

4. Head up to NH Lottery Headquarters with my attorney and let them know it's ME!

5. Maybe go to work for a while, depending how long it takes to get my first check. Still have to pay the rent!

6. Get check. Take co-workers out for dinner as a final good-bye - open bar so I can watch some of my favorite people act silly and crazy.

7. Hand my sister and my brother-in-law a hefty check to go house shopping with. Secure 529 college savings plans for my nephews and a little extra to use as they see fit after the age of 22.

8. Hand Mom hefty check to pay off home and vehicle and some extra cash to buy all the clothes at Chico's she desires. Set up retirement fund.

9. Buy Billy a lobster boat as sexy as he is (I'm not sure if they make one THAT sexy, though). And a speedy Bass Cat.

10. Begin the travel. Alone or with whomever wishes to join. I may go alone to the Caribbean to relax, but I can think of no better time than exploring Kruger National Park on safari with Billy.

10. Spend next six months to a year traveling off and on and discovering where I'd like to establish a second home. Buy home in NH and elsewhere.

11. Develop pet project involving charity work, like establishing a safe after school hangout for teenagers.

12. Once my primary home is furnished and I'm settled into my wealth, invite EVERYONE I know over for a party.

13. Begin training for a marathon. But not the Boston marathon. Fuck those hills.

14. Buy silverware and hire naked butler AKA winter bitch to take care of my needs and filet my haddock.

15. Take odd classes like bellydancing, oil painting, mastering the art of Feng Shui, become a licensed massage therapist, learn how to cook with the 30 different types of Indian and Thai curry... and so on.

16. Speaking of classes... spend a few months at the Omega Institute taking any class that tickles my fancy while staying in a heated private cabin. None of that tent sharing hippie crap for me!

As I enter my third year or so of wealth, I'd probably get bored. Have to create a new project to keep busy. Maybe train for a triathlon or NPC figure competition. Maybe design a walking labyrinth in my backyard. Become a counselor for fairly with it women who are momentarily lost. I won't deal with women who don't have a clue, though. I just don't have the patience.

I guess I would live life as I do now, just without the distraction of work and on a much grander scale. I'd still go shopping with Mom, meet with friends for wine and catch-up time, visit with my nephews, go to the gym, eat salads, etc. But all of that may be taking place in NYC or Aruba!

I'm going to buy a ticket for this Saturday's drawing. I'm hoping all the hoopla has died down and I'll have a better chance of winning the modest sum of $15 mil. Wish me luck!

Did I ever think...

Did I ever think I would be attending the largest snowmobile grass drags and watercross in the United States this weekend?

Did I ever think I would be back in my sexy fisherman's arms, only this time even better and with more purpose?

Billy and I are coming to terms with who we are to each other and how much it means to each of us. It's a little scary to him, I think, because it's unfamiliar feelings, or feelings that aren't easily expressed. I don't want to speak for him, but I think that's close. For me, it's scary because it means becoming truly vulnerable and sharing things I don't often, if ever, share. It leaves me open to the major life experience of having true emotional intimacy with someone very special - and maybe (hopefully) more. It also leaves me open to another loss, disappointment, or feeling of failure. Is it worth the risk? For me, it is.

We've all had the experience of meeting someone and knowing that they will hold a significant part in our lives. It's a feeling of familiarity and a sense of safety and comfort when with them. Shortly after I met Billy, I had a strong intuitive hit. I knew this would be significant.

I don't think I could have met him sooner than I did. I wasn't ready. Although I considered myself open minded, I was very much settled into my own comfort zone. I was accustomed to dates of art showings and dinner and drinks, weekends away and what may be considered as "cosmopolitan" or city type date activities. If someone had suggested attending the largest snowmobile watercross in the U.S. two years ago, I would have flatly rejected the idea. I may not have gone out with that person again, thinking our interests were far too different to proceed.

Right from the start, I appreciated Billy's enthusiasm. He conveyed it in our match.com email exchanges, and later on the phone with our first conversation. I liked his voice a lot, and he sounded friendly and flirtatious.

When we met for our first blind date, I had to hop up into a pickup truck. My dad owned pickup trucks most of his life, so it wasn't completely foreign, but it had been a long time and I definitely felt a bit awkward jumping up wearing red suede mules.

As we walked to the restaurant, one of those red studded suede mules got caught in a cobblestone. My foot slipped out, I reached out to Billy for some stability, and slipped back into the shoe. It turned out that Billy was impressed by my deftness and nonchalance about "throwing a tire" - one of many Billy-isms to come. He would impress me in many ways - from being up for anything I suggested, consistently helping me on and off with my coat, truly listening to me and not letting me redirect a question back to him without answering, to showing me a very hot, initimate time could be had without removing a stitch of clothing... and this was all within the first two dates!

He had many of the qualities I was seeking in a man. I knew there was no one else like him. I was excited about our relationship. We were having a lot of fun. I felt good with him. He made me laugh. It always felt deeper than that to me, and I started to develop some pretty intense feelings for him. I was a little shocked that I was having those type of feelings again. It had been six years since I'd felt anything like it. I wasn't sure I'd meet anyone who would sweep me off my feet again. But I did. And it was happening.

I was so excited, I could barely contain myself - although I'm sure I wasn't as demonstrative as I felt I was being. I kept waiting for a declaration from the other side. Something. Anything. I was used to hearing good mushy stuff from men I didn't care about, so why was the one I cared about so mum?

I knew that if you had to ask, it was bad. But I couldn't help myself. I asked Billy how he felt about me. He spoke in non-emotional terms. They were good things, but not what I needed to hear. For a while, I took solace in his smiles and special glances. But how long could I go on a look?

I was on the birth control pill. I couldn't believe how emotional I felt about everything! Low dose pill, my ass! I gained weight, had long periods and was ready to cry at the drop of a hat. I had strong feelings for the man in my life and HAD to know NOW where this was going!

We thought we had good communication skills. It turned out they sucked. We broke up on his birthday... I was certain he was dumping me, so I cut to the chase and told him we needed to end it. What we needed to do was sit down and drop the code and innuendo and be blunt with each other. We didn't. I left Seabrook feeling hurt, alone and and confused. Had my strong intuitive hit been wrong? How could that be?

I had trouble breathing. My stomach hurt. I couldn't believe it was over, and I would never see him again. I got home and didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't stand to be in my apartment by myself. I felt a level of anxiety that made me feel mentally unwell. I spent that night at my mom's house crying and trying to come to grips with not having Billy in my life.

There are posts in this blog from April and May 2005 which chronicle part of my unease and anxiety ridden weekends. It was much worse than I wrote about, because I thought Billy might still be reading my blog posts, and I wanted to appear strong and for the most part, unaffected. People in my day-to-day life knew this was not at all true.

I slowly got back into dating and was instantly bored. I missed Billy very much. I tried to squelch that by getting angry (hence the nickname, Fish Fucker), rationalizing why it wouldn't have worked anyway, creating scenarios in my mind to make me feel even more hurt - all so I wouldn't miss him. It worked temporarily. It eventually boiled down to, "Wow. That was a DAMN shame".

I thought about calling him, but when we parted, I left the ball in his court. He could call if anything changed. I thought if he spent some time alone and missed me and had a revelation, he would call and tell me he was misguided but now realized I am the goddess I really am.

Billy immersed himself in his work and did not call with the revelation. I thought maybe I would hear from him when fishing wound down for the season. Or I hoped I would. We ended up connecting through a malfunctioning phone. Mistake, coincidence, luck or fate? I'm not sure. But I'm very glad it happened.

Billy realized he hadn't been demonstrative. He admitted he didn't know at the time what to do or how to proceed. I was pushing him for more, to spell out for me where he was. The problem was that he wasn't sure where he was. It must have been a tough position to be in. I hadn't allowed any time for feelings to settle and become what they are. I needed answers and was ready to take off if I didn't get them. That was unfair of me, but I interpreted his silence and vague answers as not having any feelings at all.

We have since had some great talks about where we are in our lives, what we expect from a relationship, what we appreciate about each other... as I said in an earlier post, they're things that make up what I'd always hoped my relationship with Billy could be. I love being able to talk openly and hear some things that come from his heart. Neither of us are as tough as the other thought! What a relief (on both sides)!

Our relationship continues to grow and develop. We are both very unique, and I expect it will be a unique relationship. I'm going to stay off the pill as long as I can - maybe look into other methods - so I can keep my perspective without hormones clouding what's really important to me. I need to be sure to stay open and be blunt when something needs to come out. I hope Billy continues to help me with that, and I hope he can see all the qualities I see in him that make him irresistable. He is truly an original person with so much to offer. When you meet him, I'm sure you'll also see that.

ILoveAlpacas.Com

I love Alpacas.
Well, not at all, actually.

Have you seen the commercial for these things yet? Something about investment potential raising this weird looking animal?

There happens to be an Alpaca farm in Warner, NH. They have a gift shop selling Alpaca fleece socks and blankets and stuff. I'm going to see if Billy is up for an Alpaca Adventure sometime so we can see one up close and personal. Maybe even pet it. I can't say it's on my To-Do List Before I Die, but what the heck. If I go, I'll try to remember to bring a camera for your blog entertainment.

Gettin' Random

I've been flirting with a man in his early 70's at work and I think he wants to kiss me.

I'm grateful for my friends and I hope they know how much I appreciate them.

I can die tomorrow loving the fact that I had a life full of torrid love affairs, trysts and many interesting men. Does that mean I'm finally ready for a real commitment?

I got a mini massage from a bisexual girl who is a masseuse yesterday, and it felt awesome, but I'm worried she might be attracted to me, so I won't let her give me a real one. Or maybe I'm just conceited.

I'm very disappointed I never took the trip to New Orleans before the hurricane. Richard and I had planned to go before he dumped me. I couldn't go alone, for safety reasons, so I never went. I think it's a pity.

My favorite cheat food right now is Snyder's Soy Chips - Parmesan, Garlic & Olive Oil flavor. I haven't had a Dove Ice Cream bar in years or a Dorito in several months. So why am I not skinny?

I have a psychic feeling that someone is obsessing over me right now. Or maybe it's just that Art Bell's Coast to Coast radio program just started, and it's a false feeling (is it ever? no). I don't know who it is, though.

I feel unusually close to some of my former co-workers. Maybe it's because I've had some stressful jobs, and they were there and saw me through my worst, as I did them... but some of my dearest friends are former co-workers. Speaking of which, I will admit here that I fooled around with my assistant at a previous job. That's all I'm going to say.

I'm thinking I would like to stay in touch with my cousins in Mass via email, but I would feel uncomfortable asking them for their address. We didn't grow up close at all, but now I think they're pretty cool. Maybe at the next holiday I will.

I have a can of whipped cream in the fridge that Billy doesn't know about yet. But he will.

More later.