Life

I had a dream last week that my cousin Jessica told me she has breast cancer. I cried and hugged her. When I woke up, I thought to myself, "gee, I haven't done a self breast exam in a while". I had a routine GYN appointment the next day, so I logged onto the Susan G. Komen website and reacquainted myself with the exam.

A couple years ago, I had a spot inside my left breast that hurt right before my period. It felt like a grape. I talked to my old nurse practitioner about it, and she said it was part of the hormonal changes during a cycle, and indeed, the pain did go away after my period each month. If anything changed, we could look further into it.

Last Thursday night, while performing my self exam, I noticed a big change. The grape was gone. There was no tenderness. In its place was what I can only describe as a mass. Totally different texture than the other breast tissue, very different than my right breast. When you feel the texture of your breast, it can feel fibrous, lumpy, etc. Mine feel fibrous. With this mass, I couldn't get my fingers into it - there was no fibrous texture. More solid. And big.

At my appointment I asked if someone could do an exam. I told her the changes I felt, and she agreed that it felt totally different than the other tissue. Luckily, I am a patient at one of the best OB/GYN offices in Manchester. They tested and resolved a recent problem I had that my previous caregiver had not been able to figure out. So I'm confident I am in good hands.

She told me that I "got to go throught the process". They would make an appointment for me to see a doctor at the Breast Health Center, where one of the physicians was rated best of NH for six years. When the front desk called for my appointment, they were told nothing was available. They told them my age and that I have a breast mass. Suddenly I have an appointment tomorrow morning. Apparently at this place, they keep you there until they figure it out. So there's no "do this test, go home, wait, come back, do another test, wait". They'll start with an ultrasound. If they find something from that, they'll do a mammogram. If they find something from that, they'll do a biopsy, etc.

I told my new GYN practitioner that I wasn't going to panic. She said I was taking it very well. Of course, I looked way into that statement, and thought, "Should I be taking this hard? Or is that just the usual reaction, to panic?" I think it's the latter. I can't panic until they tell me something is wrong. What would be the point? I just have to go through the process and see what happens. I have no history of any cancer in my family. I'm young, not obese, and pretty freaking healthy. I have only one of the risk factors, which is starting your period before a certain age.

When I left the office Friday, I thought how much I needed Nick with me to get through Monday. How much I needed him to sit with me in the doctor's office and joke with me and support me. I just felt like a scared little girl who needed someone to love her and tell her everything would be okay, and hold my hand when I needed it. And tap my arm veins until blood squirted on the floor from the IV insertion, like he did when I had surgery in January. I missed him and felt a hole inside of me at that moment, driving from the doctor's office. I wondered who would help me through this. And my first thought was of Jesus. Once again, he will pick me up and carry me, and send me competent and skilled physicians and supportive people to appear in my life. If Nick wasn't there, I would still go through it and be okay. He isn't a part of my life anymore, and that needs to remain in the past. I also feel somewhat relieved that I am going through this as a single person. I can focus on myself totally and do what I need to do, without concern for anyone else. A great time to be selfish.

Of course, I'm thinking a lot about a potential diagnosis. Wondering what it feels like to have cancer. And do I know what that feels like now? Ha ha. And should I appreciate this time of blissful unawareness, because tomorrow my life may change in a very drastic way? If they do find something, I am ready for the fight. I've tackled some stuff in my life, this would be no different.

My family doesn't know about this. I've told my supervisor at work, since I'll be out most of the day, and two friends. A large percentage of breast abnormalities are totally benign, so there is no point in worrying my family. I'll tell them if nothing is found. If something is, I may need help in telling them. My aunt is a nurse so I think I would call her and ask her to come up and help me tell them. She could answer a lot of the clinical questions and statitistical stuff.

So all I can do is get a good night's sleep, relax, and trust that I am being evaluated by NH's best breast health physicians, and receiving personal care by one of their practitioners who specialize in high risk breast cancer (being 32 would make me high risk). I trust that and I take some comfort in it. Also knowing God is with me all the time and through each step. I praised Him in Easter service today, and I will continue to, as He is the one who truly is always there for me.

Update: Totally normal breast tissue! Hurray! Basically lots of fat loss and normal "sagging" made some breast tissue migrate together and form an island. Weird, huh? So if I gain weight, cut back on caffeine and salt, it will become a lot less noticeable. I can't say I intend to do any of those, but at least I know what it is and I am still one healthy, cool chick.