Frank called. A full seven months after we last spoke. I must have a lasting impression, because this isn't the first man who's kept my number far longer than I would dream of keeping theirs.
I was meandering through the aisles of A Market in Manchester. A cozy natural food store with great produce, I was on a bit of a mission. My good friend, C, eats mostly organic, likes organic cosmetics, vegetarian... and I was looking for a sweet gift basket or at least some inspiration for her Christmas gift. I received neither, but I picked up a bitchin organic avocado and poured myself a steaming cup of yerba mate.
Heading over to the vitamins, I heard my cell ring, although muffled, inside my tiny purse. I never miss it, though. Dr. Dre has a pretty distinguishable beat.
I looked at the caller ID. A 617 area code. Mostly relieved that it wasn't work calling me in for some dire emergency, I answered almost sheerly out of curiosity.
"Hello?"
"hey, how ya doin?"
"Who is this?"
"haha hey what's up?"
"Who is this?"
"It's Frankie!"
A week prior, I was in downtown Boston and telling my mom, "I don't think I've heard the last of Frank".
A week later, my intuitive powers were once again validated.
"So I've been thinkin' about ya"
"oh yeah? Are you addicted to drama? Because all we did was fight"
"I know, huh"
We went on to discuss careers and how I may work in Boston but will never move there because I'm not a Masshole. Frank didn't like that.
Frank and I fought about everything. We fought from our first date on. I kept telling him I wasn't a fighter, but he didn't know better. Being with Frank brought out the worst in me. I couldn't figure out why. Was it the constant tension in his voice? Was it the awful directions he gave and sent me an hour out of my way? Maybe it was when he told me it was in his cultural heritage to have a mistress once married. Before we got to the third date, we argued over how our Frankie Jr. would be raised.
A side note - Frank bought a new car fairly soon after meeting me. A few other of my beaus have also done that.
Frank earned a few nicknames with my friends. Pasta Perv, Fettuccine Frank, and I would come to call him "Fucking Frank" - and not in the good way.
Frank sells fresh pasta. He also opened a cafe in Roslindale with a business partner. I never got to see the cafe. A week before opening, I injured my back. I'm 100% better now, but at the time, I was at home on Flexeril and Vicodin, waiting for a chiropractic appointment. I couldn't stand up straight and it hurt to sit. My options were skulking around or laying flat.
He was busy with the cafe. He asked if I'd like to go out over the weekend. I told him I was still hurt, and very high, by the way. That drug combination is a winner. He could come see me, but I couldn't drive. He told me he'd visit and make me feel all better. I popped pills and waited, but no Frank. When he finally called, I confronted him. I told him if all he was looking for was a fun, hot date, he wasn't going to get one that weekend... and is that why he didn't show? Silence from Fucking Frank. I hung up and deleted that bitch from my phone.
Seven months later from the skincare aisle at A Market, we discussed why it would never work. I told Frank I had enough stress at work - I don't need to come home and fight with someone every night. I'm looking for a healthy, stable relationship. I'd be crazy to marry someone who admits he'll cheat on me because it's in his "heritage". I told him his parents may be from the old country, but he's not. How does someone blame a country for his own moral inadequacies, anyway?
"And if that's not enough, you live in a haunted house!"
I giggled inwardly as I imagined other A Market customers eavesdropping on what must have sounded like a very strange conversation.
I arrived at Frank's house an hour later than expected. He left out a minor detail when giving me directions - such as changing routes. Completely frustrated, I stopped twice and got directions from a cop and a liquor store attendant. When I was calm enough to speak to him, he talked me in on the phone, and said how amazing it would be if we got past this and stayed together. His boss offered to drive out to find me and escort me to Frank's house. I eventually arrived and attempted to calm myself down before stepping onto the driveway.
He was waiting on the porch for me. He said he felt like a little kid with his baseball mitt, waiting for dad to come home. I found that and some other things endearing about him. When I saw him, all my frustration disappeared. He hugged me and ushered me inside. He told me he'd make it up to me. I told him he'd better.
The agenda for that particular evening was cooking! Frank was a professional chef for many years. He told me to bring whatever I like to eat, and he'd create a meal for us. We cooked together and laughed and drank the awful wine from the vineyard we visited on our first date. I enjoyed myself, and before long, it was very late. I had to work the next day. He invited me to stay over, but I felt it was too early in our relationship to do that. He told me not to be silly - I had already been on the road two hours that day. I asserted that there would be no hanky panky (well, maybe a little - he still had to make the driving frustration up to me), and he agreed.
Frank told me to go upstairs and hop in bed while he cleaned up the kitchen. There was no light switch at the bottom of the stairs. I carefully climbed the stairs in the dark, but when I approached the top, I felt that awful familiar feeling of thickened air and heavy atmosphere. The feeling of a haunting. I hesitantly approached the top of the staircase and ran my hands across the walls, searching for a light switch. Nothing.
"Frank?" I called out.
He came to the bottom of the stairs.
I asked him where the light was, and he came up and turned one on in his bedroom. I followed him in, then asked where the upstairs bathroom was. When I stepped out of his bedroom, I felt it again. It was hanging around the top of the stairs. It was so noticeable I was very surprised Frank didn't seem to notice it himself.
He eventually joined me in bed and I tried to sleep. I was awoken several times throughout the night with BIZARRE dreams. The type of dreams one has when they're in a highly charged psychic environment. I was in the room we were sleeping in, with Frank's family (whom I hadn't yet met), discussing the "thing" in the hallway. In another dream, I was in his basement being attacked. I knew that Frank would not protect me and that I would have to defend myself. All night these dreams and others went on and on.
Around 3 am, Frank stirred and asked if I was up. When he looked at me, he knew for certain I was very awake. I asked him if his place was haunted. He said no one had ever come out and asked him that, but anyone who sleeps over never gets any sleep. In fact, he said he sleeps BETTER when he's away from home. I told him that it's usually the opposite for most people. We talked more about what was in the hallway, and then tried to sleep some more.
I left early in the morning and hit the most welcoming, heart warming rush hour traffic on the southeast expressway in Boston. After just a very short few hours of sleep and a stressful drive the day before, I decided I was done with Frank.
But what about Frankie Jr? We gave it one last try for our son we would never have and took a day trip together. Frank is of course Catholic, but doesn't practice. I'm a non-denominational bible based Christian who does practice. Frank wanted Frankie Jr. to be baptized at birth, first communion, etc. I want my son to know God through Jesus and choose to have that personal relationship with Him. We couldn't agree.
A week later, I was flat on my back waiting for fair weathered Frank to darken my doorstep. It speaks volumes about people who are around for good times, but are nonexistent when you just need a DVD, some take out and a back rub.
We wished each other well over the phone, he driving in Danvers, me in the A Market.
I hung up, paid for my avocado and now almost empty cup of yerba mate, and laughed to myself about the strange, odd and never boring people who come into my life.
Some have said I attract them! So what does that say about me? :)
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Friday, December 05, 2008
An Open Letter to Single Christian Men Who Don't Go to Church, by Camerin Courtney
An Open Letter to Single Christian Men Who Don't Go to Church
(and a postscript to those who do)
by Camerin Courtney
Dear guys:
First of all, let me start by saying I get it. I know it's no picnic being you in a pew these days. Books such as Wild at Heart, Why Men Hate Going to Church, and No More Christian Nice Guy have raised our awareness to how feminized many American churches have become. Too much touchy-feely, felt-needs emotionalism and not enough iron sharpening iron. Too much meek and mild Jesus, not enough miracle worker and champion for the poor. Too much kum-ba-yah, not enough commitment.
I once said to a single female friend that sometimes attending church as a single woman feels not so unlike a person struggling with infertility going to a baby shower every Sunday morning. So much understandable family-focus, yet so much opportunity for the 44 percent of the U.S. adult population that's single to feel like outsiders. My friend nodded her head in quick agreement. If this is true of us, I can only imagine that the challenge for you is exponentially worse.
If the stereotype is true, you guys, by and large, like to feel needed. And I'm sure church is no exception. I've heard men complain that outlets for them to serve in their church are somewhat limited. One reader wrote to me saying that if he were to volunteer for his church's nursery, they'd look at him—a single man—as a potential pedophile. From my observation, the main outlets for service for single men in many churches is music or youth ministry. If you're not into either of those things, I'm sure you can feel stifled.
I wonder if leadership opportunities for you are limited as well. I could count on one hand (one finger, actually) the number of single men I've seen on the governing and elder boards at churches I've been part of over the past three decades or so. Are the leader-type men not present or are the doors not open for them? Either way, it's a problem.
If you venture into a church's singles class that's populated by more women than men, as many are, I'll bet you can feel like a juicy steak that's been tossed into a den of hungry lions. Or you're bored and wishing you were home watching the game instead of sitting there in what can feel like a girlified garden party. Or you're immediately approached to lead a Bible study or help plan a hayride.
Overall, I know it's possible for you, at turns, to feel isolated, invisible, pressured, misunderstood, or scrutinized when you darken the door of a church. These feelings in and of themselves are hard enough, but somehow experiencing them in a place that's supposed to be sanctuary—God's house—feels even worse.
Or perhaps you've been influenced by the independent, lone ranger American ideal and think you don't need church. You can pray and read your Bible on your own, thankyouverymuch. You might even be able to do so even more faithfully and fruitfully on your own.
Still …
The Body of Christ needs you. In fact, we're incomplete without you. Many of our churches have been limping along with you, a vital part of the body, missing. We're lacking your talents, insights, and helping hands.
I recently joined a new committee at my church. Our six-member team consists of three married men and three single women. I've served on at least a half dozen different service/leadership teams over my ten years at my current church, and I've never served alongside a single man. I'm not saying I'm bummed I didn't get to scam on any men at these meetings, I'm saying I would have loved your input. We would have been a stronger team if your skills and perspectives had been represented as well.
Over the past two months, three different friends of mine have confided in me about attractions they're struggling with for inappropriate men—guys who are married or who don't share their faith. All three of these friends told me that they know these guys aren't the type of man they should be holding out for, but all three have also told me—with palpable frustration in their voice—they don't see appropriate men for them to be interested in. In their churches and other Christian communities, they don't see single Christian men for them to consider for dating purposes. I'm not saying their struggles are your fault, and I'm not trying to make you a scapegoat for their temptations. I am saying they might be a tad less susceptible to these unhealthy attractions and pursuers if they looked around on Sunday morning and saw you.
From a completely personal perspective, when I look at you as marriage potential, I'm a bit cautious. If you leave church when it's uncomfortable and tough, what's to say you won't do the same in a marriage once it gets uncomfortable and tough (as it inevitably will). Where's the proof of obedience and commitment in your life? I'm not asking you to be a spiritual giant; I'm just asking you to show up. And hopefully to live like you mean it when you say you're a Christian—at least as well as any of us fallen human beings can.
I also worry for you. It's not easy being Christ-like in our materialistic, narcissistic, sex-saturated society. And we weren't designed to go it alone. We need community, accountability, mutual encouragement. I'd be happy to spur you on in love and good works, to together figure out how to live in this world but not of it. I know God told us not to give up the practice of meeting together (Hebrews 10:25) not as a legalistic ruler but as a loving Father. He knew it wouldn't be easy, that we'd need one another. I need you. You need me. That's the point of the church.
And maybe, just maybe, if enough of you show up, it will get a little easier for your demographic—and mine. To feel visible and valued. To do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God—even more effectively and joyfully for walking this road together.
Respectfully,
-Camerin
P.S. to Men Who Do Attend Church:
No, I don't think you're chopped liver sitting there in the pew every Sunday morning. On behalf of the Body of Christ, thank you. Really. For showing up. For being a vital member of the family of faith. For giving your time and talents for the corporate good. For faithfully obeying God's command to meet together, even if it may be difficult at times.
Also, I'm sorry—for the times when we single women overlook you, take you for granted, see you only as a potential marriage partner (or not), don't handle your romantic interest with honesty and integrity, or fail to give you opportunities to serve and lead. I know there are many single men in the church who are hurting from the actions or inactions of their single sisters. And for that, I'm sorry.
If you're one of those people who sneaks into the service at the last minute and bolts at the final amen, would you consider finding a place to serve in your church? As I mentioned above, we need your skills and abilities. I know there might not be a lot of open doors for this, but perhaps if a few more of you express interest in serving and leading, a few more opportunities will open up. We're at a deficit without you.
And if you're in one of those churches where being single—and especially a single man—is easy or great, please please please invite your single brothers. You can get them into a congregation more authentically and healthily than we women can. The single men outside the church need you to be a positive influence in their life, to open doors for these missing family members. And we in the rest of the church would be eternally grateful to you for helping the Body of Christ to become more whole.
(and a postscript to those who do)
by Camerin Courtney
Dear guys:
First of all, let me start by saying I get it. I know it's no picnic being you in a pew these days. Books such as Wild at Heart, Why Men Hate Going to Church, and No More Christian Nice Guy have raised our awareness to how feminized many American churches have become. Too much touchy-feely, felt-needs emotionalism and not enough iron sharpening iron. Too much meek and mild Jesus, not enough miracle worker and champion for the poor. Too much kum-ba-yah, not enough commitment.
I once said to a single female friend that sometimes attending church as a single woman feels not so unlike a person struggling with infertility going to a baby shower every Sunday morning. So much understandable family-focus, yet so much opportunity for the 44 percent of the U.S. adult population that's single to feel like outsiders. My friend nodded her head in quick agreement. If this is true of us, I can only imagine that the challenge for you is exponentially worse.
If the stereotype is true, you guys, by and large, like to feel needed. And I'm sure church is no exception. I've heard men complain that outlets for them to serve in their church are somewhat limited. One reader wrote to me saying that if he were to volunteer for his church's nursery, they'd look at him—a single man—as a potential pedophile. From my observation, the main outlets for service for single men in many churches is music or youth ministry. If you're not into either of those things, I'm sure you can feel stifled.
I wonder if leadership opportunities for you are limited as well. I could count on one hand (one finger, actually) the number of single men I've seen on the governing and elder boards at churches I've been part of over the past three decades or so. Are the leader-type men not present or are the doors not open for them? Either way, it's a problem.
If you venture into a church's singles class that's populated by more women than men, as many are, I'll bet you can feel like a juicy steak that's been tossed into a den of hungry lions. Or you're bored and wishing you were home watching the game instead of sitting there in what can feel like a girlified garden party. Or you're immediately approached to lead a Bible study or help plan a hayride.
Overall, I know it's possible for you, at turns, to feel isolated, invisible, pressured, misunderstood, or scrutinized when you darken the door of a church. These feelings in and of themselves are hard enough, but somehow experiencing them in a place that's supposed to be sanctuary—God's house—feels even worse.
Or perhaps you've been influenced by the independent, lone ranger American ideal and think you don't need church. You can pray and read your Bible on your own, thankyouverymuch. You might even be able to do so even more faithfully and fruitfully on your own.
Still …
The Body of Christ needs you. In fact, we're incomplete without you. Many of our churches have been limping along with you, a vital part of the body, missing. We're lacking your talents, insights, and helping hands.
I recently joined a new committee at my church. Our six-member team consists of three married men and three single women. I've served on at least a half dozen different service/leadership teams over my ten years at my current church, and I've never served alongside a single man. I'm not saying I'm bummed I didn't get to scam on any men at these meetings, I'm saying I would have loved your input. We would have been a stronger team if your skills and perspectives had been represented as well.
Over the past two months, three different friends of mine have confided in me about attractions they're struggling with for inappropriate men—guys who are married or who don't share their faith. All three of these friends told me that they know these guys aren't the type of man they should be holding out for, but all three have also told me—with palpable frustration in their voice—they don't see appropriate men for them to be interested in. In their churches and other Christian communities, they don't see single Christian men for them to consider for dating purposes. I'm not saying their struggles are your fault, and I'm not trying to make you a scapegoat for their temptations. I am saying they might be a tad less susceptible to these unhealthy attractions and pursuers if they looked around on Sunday morning and saw you.
From a completely personal perspective, when I look at you as marriage potential, I'm a bit cautious. If you leave church when it's uncomfortable and tough, what's to say you won't do the same in a marriage once it gets uncomfortable and tough (as it inevitably will). Where's the proof of obedience and commitment in your life? I'm not asking you to be a spiritual giant; I'm just asking you to show up. And hopefully to live like you mean it when you say you're a Christian—at least as well as any of us fallen human beings can.
I also worry for you. It's not easy being Christ-like in our materialistic, narcissistic, sex-saturated society. And we weren't designed to go it alone. We need community, accountability, mutual encouragement. I'd be happy to spur you on in love and good works, to together figure out how to live in this world but not of it. I know God told us not to give up the practice of meeting together (Hebrews 10:25) not as a legalistic ruler but as a loving Father. He knew it wouldn't be easy, that we'd need one another. I need you. You need me. That's the point of the church.
And maybe, just maybe, if enough of you show up, it will get a little easier for your demographic—and mine. To feel visible and valued. To do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God—even more effectively and joyfully for walking this road together.
Respectfully,
-Camerin
P.S. to Men Who Do Attend Church:
No, I don't think you're chopped liver sitting there in the pew every Sunday morning. On behalf of the Body of Christ, thank you. Really. For showing up. For being a vital member of the family of faith. For giving your time and talents for the corporate good. For faithfully obeying God's command to meet together, even if it may be difficult at times.
Also, I'm sorry—for the times when we single women overlook you, take you for granted, see you only as a potential marriage partner (or not), don't handle your romantic interest with honesty and integrity, or fail to give you opportunities to serve and lead. I know there are many single men in the church who are hurting from the actions or inactions of their single sisters. And for that, I'm sorry.
If you're one of those people who sneaks into the service at the last minute and bolts at the final amen, would you consider finding a place to serve in your church? As I mentioned above, we need your skills and abilities. I know there might not be a lot of open doors for this, but perhaps if a few more of you express interest in serving and leading, a few more opportunities will open up. We're at a deficit without you.
And if you're in one of those churches where being single—and especially a single man—is easy or great, please please please invite your single brothers. You can get them into a congregation more authentically and healthily than we women can. The single men outside the church need you to be a positive influence in their life, to open doors for these missing family members. And we in the rest of the church would be eternally grateful to you for helping the Body of Christ to become more whole.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Giving Thanks
I am thankful for so much. It's really important to me to be grateful for all I have. Sometimes I am sickened by American excess. It's never enough for some people. We wake up every day to clean water to drink and bathe in, most of us have access to food, lots of us have warm shelter and 93.5% of us are fortunate to have a job that pays us. Yet we want more. Okay. A vehicle is great. So is cable tv, an mp3 player, going out to dinner and drinks with friends, etc.
Do we ever stop to think about the billions of people in developing countries who have none of that? As women, we can choose our reproductive future, vote in political elections, are protected against FGM and can educate ourselves to whatever extent we wish. When we run, we run for pleasure, to be fitter, slimmer and in better heart shape. When people in developing countries run, they run as a means of getting from A to B or they're running from things that threaten them. We try not to eat too much, while others search for food and often go without.
I'm so thankful for the things we deem as "basic necessities". There's lots more I'm thankful for, but I think it's important to pause at the basics and truly give thanks.
Black Friday is tomorrow. Are you worried about how much you may spend on Christmas? Take a minute and watch this, and consider what could happen:
Do we ever stop to think about the billions of people in developing countries who have none of that? As women, we can choose our reproductive future, vote in political elections, are protected against FGM and can educate ourselves to whatever extent we wish. When we run, we run for pleasure, to be fitter, slimmer and in better heart shape. When people in developing countries run, they run as a means of getting from A to B or they're running from things that threaten them. We try not to eat too much, while others search for food and often go without.
I'm so thankful for the things we deem as "basic necessities". There's lots more I'm thankful for, but I think it's important to pause at the basics and truly give thanks.
Black Friday is tomorrow. Are you worried about how much you may spend on Christmas? Take a minute and watch this, and consider what could happen:
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
I wanna
date a hot Indian man named Raj
go to Egypt a second time
buy a car that's actually good in the snow
sunbathe on a nude beach
live in Chicago for at least a year
marry someone who's foreign with a wonderful voice
write my book
buy a sweet house with tons of character
sip wine in Napa Valley with someone who appreciates wine
have a koi pond
in the next five years.
go to Egypt a second time
buy a car that's actually good in the snow
sunbathe on a nude beach
live in Chicago for at least a year
marry someone who's foreign with a wonderful voice
write my book
buy a sweet house with tons of character
sip wine in Napa Valley with someone who appreciates wine
have a koi pond
in the next five years.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Summatime
I'm creating a daily blog apart from A Long Walk. I'll update A Long Walk periodically with stuff that's amusing, interesting, whatever... but for now my daily blog journal will be private. Nothing personal, yo!
Things are great and I am happy. My new position is fun and worthwhile. I have a date Saturday that I'm very strangely excited, nervous and anxious for. Normally I don't get nervous for dates or interviews. I've been trying to uncover what is making me so nervous, but I think I will leave that to the professionals. He has a surprise for me, and he said I sounded like an excited little kid when he told me our date will be a surprise. I told him all I needed to know was if I can wear heels or not. I can. So I will. But yikes, I love surprises like this... we'll see what happens!
Things are great and I am happy. My new position is fun and worthwhile. I have a date Saturday that I'm very strangely excited, nervous and anxious for. Normally I don't get nervous for dates or interviews. I've been trying to uncover what is making me so nervous, but I think I will leave that to the professionals. He has a surprise for me, and he said I sounded like an excited little kid when he told me our date will be a surprise. I told him all I needed to know was if I can wear heels or not. I can. So I will. But yikes, I love surprises like this... we'll see what happens!
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Update on the Muffin stuff oh and the Floridian
Muffin and I had a great time together. He's funny as hell, sweet, affectionate and more mature than the average 22 year old. As he said, "We have a lot of sexual energy". True. But I need more than that with someone. We never fully consumated our little whatever we had, but it was great being reminded of my own energy in that area and knowing that it just takes the right person to truly bring it out in all its unbridled glory :)
Fine Ass Alex from Florida actually expected a physical relationship after just 3 dates. He told me he is a grown ass man and isn't accustomed to not getting what he wants. I know, I know, where on earth do I meet these people? Conclusion: He was nice to look at and it felt damn good to date a black man again. That's it. I told him I thought we'd be better as friends, and haven't heard from him since.
In more general dating news, I seem to be attracting lots of men WAY outside of my age range. They're either 24 or 48. The 24 year old was truly surprised at my actual age. He thought I was close to his age. The 48 year old thought I was older than 33. WTF!
I'm having no problems meeting people. Age appropriateness would be nice. I think it's funny that boys in their early 20's think have something to offer me and men in their 50's think we have lots in common. It's all charming but not close to what I need.
Fine Ass Alex from Florida actually expected a physical relationship after just 3 dates. He told me he is a grown ass man and isn't accustomed to not getting what he wants. I know, I know, where on earth do I meet these people? Conclusion: He was nice to look at and it felt damn good to date a black man again. That's it. I told him I thought we'd be better as friends, and haven't heard from him since.
In more general dating news, I seem to be attracting lots of men WAY outside of my age range. They're either 24 or 48. The 24 year old was truly surprised at my actual age. He thought I was close to his age. The 48 year old thought I was older than 33. WTF!
I'm having no problems meeting people. Age appropriateness would be nice. I think it's funny that boys in their early 20's think have something to offer me and men in their 50's think we have lots in common. It's all charming but not close to what I need.
My Blog Devotees
who check my blog every now and again, wondering what the heck I've gotten myself into these days... I'm coming back!
My old Commodore 64 has been rendered almost entirely useless. I had no mouse functionality, and for some reason that meant I couldn't post blogs here.
My knight in shining technology delivered to me a brand new totally portable and infinitely useful laptop this last movie night. A "birthday gift" he said. Hmm. Seven minutes sky diving in an indoor wind tunnel to... a laptop. But we are not keeping score, he says. It's the meaning, not the price tag. Fine. But this year I am paying for the $36 salad and chicken leg and $12 chili up north on the 4th of July.
So, new computer = more blog posts. Maybe even from Panera or Murphy's. Oh and I have a little built in webcam, so I can snap lame shots of me drinking coffee at Panera and typing my little blog posts. I love technology.
My old Commodore 64 has been rendered almost entirely useless. I had no mouse functionality, and for some reason that meant I couldn't post blogs here.
My knight in shining technology delivered to me a brand new totally portable and infinitely useful laptop this last movie night. A "birthday gift" he said. Hmm. Seven minutes sky diving in an indoor wind tunnel to... a laptop. But we are not keeping score, he says. It's the meaning, not the price tag. Fine. But this year I am paying for the $36 salad and chicken leg and $12 chili up north on the 4th of July.
So, new computer = more blog posts. Maybe even from Panera or Murphy's. Oh and I have a little built in webcam, so I can snap lame shots of me drinking coffee at Panera and typing my little blog posts. I love technology.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Muffin
I hope to know the muffin man biblically. I resisted Muffin because of his age, but after observing him for a month, I'm down. It's all just a matter of logistics and timing now. George, you were right - he is a Muffin! Man. He's not gonna know what hit him.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
In the void
Yo.
You ever get the feeling that something's gonna happen? Like any day now, something is going to happen, and my life will be forever changed. That's how I feel right now.
The new job is cool, if somewhat boring. The people are great and extra money is never bad. I have PAL1 to thank. I'm glad he needed a familiar friendly face in the pharmacy.
I underwent a very minor medical procedure last week that will help to improve my overall quality of life. I already feel it. No, I didn't get breast implants.
I see Gary Glancer at the gym more now than I did over the past year. After our last "date", I never called or emailed him. He emailed me, but I didn't reply. I saw him a while back at the gym, said hello, and he promptly disappeared into the mens locker room - and didn't emerge again. Pussy. LOL. Saw him again yesterday, said hello. He tried to start a convo but I wasn't having it. Don't waste my precious gym time, you pretentious prick, I should have said. Instead, I walked back to the squat rack and ran into my least favorite gym goer - the cousin of my stalker ex from 1999. He wanted to talk too, but my icy glare quickly discouraged him. Soon I may run into Karl at the gym, and he will be a much more welcome sight.
Oh. Making some interesting breakthroughs and revelations. Recognizing red flags from men more readily now. Realizing that the less I care about an outcome, the clearer minded I am. Also relearning that if I don't care about seeing some dude, don't return his calls and make him do 100% of the effort, dude wants me even more. I gently scoff at Al for playing mind games with all his hos (oops, I meant special ladies), but it does seem effective. I'm not purposely playing a game, I just don't have time or energy to mess with someone who is lost in life. Find your fucking way and if that way leads back to me and you've got your head on straight, cool. In the meantime, leave me alone. I'm not your mommy, I'm not here to fix you, encourage you to live better or get your act together. There are plenty of women out there looking to do all that. Waste their time, not mine.
Alright, now that I've vented...
Axis and Allies is a cool game if you have 12 hours free. I might join Cal at some role playing game thing, I'm not sure exactly what it is. If it doesn't last 12 hours, I'm down.
Loving that Sarah is hosting New Food Friday. Freaking genius. You cook something you've never made (and preferably never have eaten) before. Potluck style at the Love Muffin's pad. I like to cook, but I need a reason. So this is a positive thing.
What else. Christmas shopping is nearly complete. Nails are polished. Nice leg workout today. My mom's dog is happy. All is well. I'm just waiting for something to happen.
You ever get the feeling that something's gonna happen? Like any day now, something is going to happen, and my life will be forever changed. That's how I feel right now.
The new job is cool, if somewhat boring. The people are great and extra money is never bad. I have PAL1 to thank. I'm glad he needed a familiar friendly face in the pharmacy.
I underwent a very minor medical procedure last week that will help to improve my overall quality of life. I already feel it. No, I didn't get breast implants.
I see Gary Glancer at the gym more now than I did over the past year. After our last "date", I never called or emailed him. He emailed me, but I didn't reply. I saw him a while back at the gym, said hello, and he promptly disappeared into the mens locker room - and didn't emerge again. Pussy. LOL. Saw him again yesterday, said hello. He tried to start a convo but I wasn't having it. Don't waste my precious gym time, you pretentious prick, I should have said. Instead, I walked back to the squat rack and ran into my least favorite gym goer - the cousin of my stalker ex from 1999. He wanted to talk too, but my icy glare quickly discouraged him. Soon I may run into Karl at the gym, and he will be a much more welcome sight.
Oh. Making some interesting breakthroughs and revelations. Recognizing red flags from men more readily now. Realizing that the less I care about an outcome, the clearer minded I am. Also relearning that if I don't care about seeing some dude, don't return his calls and make him do 100% of the effort, dude wants me even more. I gently scoff at Al for playing mind games with all his hos (oops, I meant special ladies), but it does seem effective. I'm not purposely playing a game, I just don't have time or energy to mess with someone who is lost in life. Find your fucking way and if that way leads back to me and you've got your head on straight, cool. In the meantime, leave me alone. I'm not your mommy, I'm not here to fix you, encourage you to live better or get your act together. There are plenty of women out there looking to do all that. Waste their time, not mine.
Alright, now that I've vented...
Axis and Allies is a cool game if you have 12 hours free. I might join Cal at some role playing game thing, I'm not sure exactly what it is. If it doesn't last 12 hours, I'm down.
Loving that Sarah is hosting New Food Friday. Freaking genius. You cook something you've never made (and preferably never have eaten) before. Potluck style at the Love Muffin's pad. I like to cook, but I need a reason. So this is a positive thing.
What else. Christmas shopping is nearly complete. Nails are polished. Nice leg workout today. My mom's dog is happy. All is well. I'm just waiting for something to happen.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
I'm not attracted to many men
But when I am, look out. My brass balls came out of my dress pants Monday afternoon. I didn't want to walk away, I didn't want to never see him again. So when he showed me his bare left hand, I went in for the kill. I asked this total stranger if he was seeing anyone. He was not. I called him that night. We went out two nights this week.
And as soon as it started, it ended.
He's in a much different place than me. I have ideas of what I'd like to do and where I'd like to be. He does not. It's okay. I'm glad I know now rather than 8 months from now. But damn he is sexy. We know some of the same people. We'll see each other again. I know I'll see him if I remain interested in local politics.
I always thought I'd marry a politician, and I've tried to conduct my public life as if I would. It won't be this one, but I'd still like to kiss him.
And as soon as it started, it ended.
He's in a much different place than me. I have ideas of what I'd like to do and where I'd like to be. He does not. It's okay. I'm glad I know now rather than 8 months from now. But damn he is sexy. We know some of the same people. We'll see each other again. I know I'll see him if I remain interested in local politics.
I always thought I'd marry a politician, and I've tried to conduct my public life as if I would. It won't be this one, but I'd still like to kiss him.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Dipping My Toe Back In
Ok, I've gone on 1.5 dates. With Gary Glancer, the dude I met at the gym last summer. He finally asked me out. We met at a restaurant after we went to our respective homes to shower and change - whereupon I bumped into 1. A girl from my chemistry class and 2. My friend Alan and his lovely fiance Kate.
Gary was waiting for me at the bar. For some reason, I wasn't as attracted to him as I was last year. We talked, ate, talked, ate. Then he brought up the subject of astrology. And leaned back to show me his YIN AND YANG BELT BUCKLE. WTF. Like, huge, lacquered belt buckle. It was almost embarrassing.
We ended up at Barnes and Noble, he with a triple shot espresso, me with a bottle of water. We perused astrology books and boy did we learn a lot about each other. So much, in fact, that I reminded him I am recuperating from an upper respiratory infection, on antibiotics, and would feel awful if he got it. Hint: Give me some distance, partner.
Gary is a successful attorney in Bedford, divorced for a year, and not one bit introspective or self examining. Kind of one of those people to whom stuff "just happens" and they cannot see their role in any of it. We've all been at that state of denial in our lives, but dude is 10 years older than me, studies Eastern philosophy and religion, so I kind of expected more.
Not wanting to dismiss him too quickly, being my first date since March and all, I agreed to meet him for dinner tonight at 7 pm. I was home by 7:30. I literally did not like this guy so much that I used the lamest excuse in the book - "I'm not feeling well" and bolted the heck out of there. "There" being the Commercial Street Fishery, which his friend owns, to whom I was introduced. By whom I was quickly dismissed. Nice.
So that went well. No more curiosity about Gary Glancer, I have all I need to know. He asked me to call him when I return from whitewater river rafting in Maine this weekend. I won't.
Aside from that, a hang up call from Billy. Mature. I know he will read this eventually, because all of my exes develop a weird obsession with me after we break up, so Billy - DELETE MY FUCKING NUMBER AND NEVER CALL ME AGAIN.
Looking forward to rafting this weekend with some very quality people. I'm sure I'll have tons of pictures from the trip, so check my myspace page in a few weeks for those. Also planning a 3-4 day trip in Philadelphia, mostly to catch some live music, R & B, soul, maybe even some hip hop. And I'll take a picture of my Philly cheese steak for y'all. That's gotta count as post Rocky stair running nutrition, right?
Gary was waiting for me at the bar. For some reason, I wasn't as attracted to him as I was last year. We talked, ate, talked, ate. Then he brought up the subject of astrology. And leaned back to show me his YIN AND YANG BELT BUCKLE. WTF. Like, huge, lacquered belt buckle. It was almost embarrassing.
We ended up at Barnes and Noble, he with a triple shot espresso, me with a bottle of water. We perused astrology books and boy did we learn a lot about each other. So much, in fact, that I reminded him I am recuperating from an upper respiratory infection, on antibiotics, and would feel awful if he got it. Hint: Give me some distance, partner.
Gary is a successful attorney in Bedford, divorced for a year, and not one bit introspective or self examining. Kind of one of those people to whom stuff "just happens" and they cannot see their role in any of it. We've all been at that state of denial in our lives, but dude is 10 years older than me, studies Eastern philosophy and religion, so I kind of expected more.
Not wanting to dismiss him too quickly, being my first date since March and all, I agreed to meet him for dinner tonight at 7 pm. I was home by 7:30. I literally did not like this guy so much that I used the lamest excuse in the book - "I'm not feeling well" and bolted the heck out of there. "There" being the Commercial Street Fishery, which his friend owns, to whom I was introduced. By whom I was quickly dismissed. Nice.
So that went well. No more curiosity about Gary Glancer, I have all I need to know. He asked me to call him when I return from whitewater river rafting in Maine this weekend. I won't.
Aside from that, a hang up call from Billy. Mature. I know he will read this eventually, because all of my exes develop a weird obsession with me after we break up, so Billy - DELETE MY FUCKING NUMBER AND NEVER CALL ME AGAIN.
Looking forward to rafting this weekend with some very quality people. I'm sure I'll have tons of pictures from the trip, so check my myspace page in a few weeks for those. Also planning a 3-4 day trip in Philadelphia, mostly to catch some live music, R & B, soul, maybe even some hip hop. And I'll take a picture of my Philly cheese steak for y'all. That's gotta count as post Rocky stair running nutrition, right?
Sunday, August 05, 2007
At Present
I haven't written anything in a long time, but someone recently told me that they still check my blog for updates! Aww you missed me! So here we go:
Let's see, in the past five months, I've:
Joined a volleyball league
Resumed therapy (more on why later)
Started training for a half marathon
Taken a chemistry class to fulfill a nursing school requirement - and earned an A!
Not gone on one date (shocking I know, but more on this, too)
Attended church services more frequently and starting to get involved with a group
I think that's it. Oh and someone with whom I used to have intimacy and not a relationship has been back in touch, but I've made a commitment to myself to not resume that whole deal. It would just be taking a step backwards. Very tough decision, but I think it'll pay off in the end.
So where am I now. On the verge of greatness. Ready to start school, but scared and unsure of the finances involved. A little lonely. Made some new friends and had to dismiss a few (due to totally incompatible moral values). Feeling really pretty good about myself and where I am emotionally and physically. Mentally confident from taking a ridiculously intense chemistry class. Excited about learning to kayak next weekend in Newport, RI. Stocked with enough Lean Cuisine to ease my anxiety.
I'll get more into some details later, but for now I must lift my freaking ass off at the gym. Later!
Let's see, in the past five months, I've:
Joined a volleyball league
Resumed therapy (more on why later)
Started training for a half marathon
Taken a chemistry class to fulfill a nursing school requirement - and earned an A!
Not gone on one date (shocking I know, but more on this, too)
Attended church services more frequently and starting to get involved with a group
I think that's it. Oh and someone with whom I used to have intimacy and not a relationship has been back in touch, but I've made a commitment to myself to not resume that whole deal. It would just be taking a step backwards. Very tough decision, but I think it'll pay off in the end.
So where am I now. On the verge of greatness. Ready to start school, but scared and unsure of the finances involved. A little lonely. Made some new friends and had to dismiss a few (due to totally incompatible moral values). Feeling really pretty good about myself and where I am emotionally and physically. Mentally confident from taking a ridiculously intense chemistry class. Excited about learning to kayak next weekend in Newport, RI. Stocked with enough Lean Cuisine to ease my anxiety.
I'll get more into some details later, but for now I must lift my freaking ass off at the gym. Later!
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Life
I had a dream last week that my cousin Jessica told me she has breast cancer. I cried and hugged her. When I woke up, I thought to myself, "gee, I haven't done a self breast exam in a while". I had a routine GYN appointment the next day, so I logged onto the Susan G. Komen website and reacquainted myself with the exam.
A couple years ago, I had a spot inside my left breast that hurt right before my period. It felt like a grape. I talked to my old nurse practitioner about it, and she said it was part of the hormonal changes during a cycle, and indeed, the pain did go away after my period each month. If anything changed, we could look further into it.
Last Thursday night, while performing my self exam, I noticed a big change. The grape was gone. There was no tenderness. In its place was what I can only describe as a mass. Totally different texture than the other breast tissue, very different than my right breast. When you feel the texture of your breast, it can feel fibrous, lumpy, etc. Mine feel fibrous. With this mass, I couldn't get my fingers into it - there was no fibrous texture. More solid. And big.
At my appointment I asked if someone could do an exam. I told her the changes I felt, and she agreed that it felt totally different than the other tissue. Luckily, I am a patient at one of the best OB/GYN offices in Manchester. They tested and resolved a recent problem I had that my previous caregiver had not been able to figure out. So I'm confident I am in good hands.
She told me that I "got to go throught the process". They would make an appointment for me to see a doctor at the Breast Health Center, where one of the physicians was rated best of NH for six years. When the front desk called for my appointment, they were told nothing was available. They told them my age and that I have a breast mass. Suddenly I have an appointment tomorrow morning. Apparently at this place, they keep you there until they figure it out. So there's no "do this test, go home, wait, come back, do another test, wait". They'll start with an ultrasound. If they find something from that, they'll do a mammogram. If they find something from that, they'll do a biopsy, etc.
I told my new GYN practitioner that I wasn't going to panic. She said I was taking it very well. Of course, I looked way into that statement, and thought, "Should I be taking this hard? Or is that just the usual reaction, to panic?" I think it's the latter. I can't panic until they tell me something is wrong. What would be the point? I just have to go through the process and see what happens. I have no history of any cancer in my family. I'm young, not obese, and pretty freaking healthy. I have only one of the risk factors, which is starting your period before a certain age.
When I left the office Friday, I thought how much I needed Nick with me to get through Monday. How much I needed him to sit with me in the doctor's office and joke with me and support me. I just felt like a scared little girl who needed someone to love her and tell her everything would be okay, and hold my hand when I needed it. And tap my arm veins until blood squirted on the floor from the IV insertion, like he did when I had surgery in January. I missed him and felt a hole inside of me at that moment, driving from the doctor's office. I wondered who would help me through this. And my first thought was of Jesus. Once again, he will pick me up and carry me, and send me competent and skilled physicians and supportive people to appear in my life. If Nick wasn't there, I would still go through it and be okay. He isn't a part of my life anymore, and that needs to remain in the past. I also feel somewhat relieved that I am going through this as a single person. I can focus on myself totally and do what I need to do, without concern for anyone else. A great time to be selfish.
Of course, I'm thinking a lot about a potential diagnosis. Wondering what it feels like to have cancer. And do I know what that feels like now? Ha ha. And should I appreciate this time of blissful unawareness, because tomorrow my life may change in a very drastic way? If they do find something, I am ready for the fight. I've tackled some stuff in my life, this would be no different.
My family doesn't know about this. I've told my supervisor at work, since I'll be out most of the day, and two friends. A large percentage of breast abnormalities are totally benign, so there is no point in worrying my family. I'll tell them if nothing is found. If something is, I may need help in telling them. My aunt is a nurse so I think I would call her and ask her to come up and help me tell them. She could answer a lot of the clinical questions and statitistical stuff.
So all I can do is get a good night's sleep, relax, and trust that I am being evaluated by NH's best breast health physicians, and receiving personal care by one of their practitioners who specialize in high risk breast cancer (being 32 would make me high risk). I trust that and I take some comfort in it. Also knowing God is with me all the time and through each step. I praised Him in Easter service today, and I will continue to, as He is the one who truly is always there for me.
Update: Totally normal breast tissue! Hurray! Basically lots of fat loss and normal "sagging" made some breast tissue migrate together and form an island. Weird, huh? So if I gain weight, cut back on caffeine and salt, it will become a lot less noticeable. I can't say I intend to do any of those, but at least I know what it is and I am still one healthy, cool chick.
A couple years ago, I had a spot inside my left breast that hurt right before my period. It felt like a grape. I talked to my old nurse practitioner about it, and she said it was part of the hormonal changes during a cycle, and indeed, the pain did go away after my period each month. If anything changed, we could look further into it.
Last Thursday night, while performing my self exam, I noticed a big change. The grape was gone. There was no tenderness. In its place was what I can only describe as a mass. Totally different texture than the other breast tissue, very different than my right breast. When you feel the texture of your breast, it can feel fibrous, lumpy, etc. Mine feel fibrous. With this mass, I couldn't get my fingers into it - there was no fibrous texture. More solid. And big.
At my appointment I asked if someone could do an exam. I told her the changes I felt, and she agreed that it felt totally different than the other tissue. Luckily, I am a patient at one of the best OB/GYN offices in Manchester. They tested and resolved a recent problem I had that my previous caregiver had not been able to figure out. So I'm confident I am in good hands.
She told me that I "got to go throught the process". They would make an appointment for me to see a doctor at the Breast Health Center, where one of the physicians was rated best of NH for six years. When the front desk called for my appointment, they were told nothing was available. They told them my age and that I have a breast mass. Suddenly I have an appointment tomorrow morning. Apparently at this place, they keep you there until they figure it out. So there's no "do this test, go home, wait, come back, do another test, wait". They'll start with an ultrasound. If they find something from that, they'll do a mammogram. If they find something from that, they'll do a biopsy, etc.
I told my new GYN practitioner that I wasn't going to panic. She said I was taking it very well. Of course, I looked way into that statement, and thought, "Should I be taking this hard? Or is that just the usual reaction, to panic?" I think it's the latter. I can't panic until they tell me something is wrong. What would be the point? I just have to go through the process and see what happens. I have no history of any cancer in my family. I'm young, not obese, and pretty freaking healthy. I have only one of the risk factors, which is starting your period before a certain age.
When I left the office Friday, I thought how much I needed Nick with me to get through Monday. How much I needed him to sit with me in the doctor's office and joke with me and support me. I just felt like a scared little girl who needed someone to love her and tell her everything would be okay, and hold my hand when I needed it. And tap my arm veins until blood squirted on the floor from the IV insertion, like he did when I had surgery in January. I missed him and felt a hole inside of me at that moment, driving from the doctor's office. I wondered who would help me through this. And my first thought was of Jesus. Once again, he will pick me up and carry me, and send me competent and skilled physicians and supportive people to appear in my life. If Nick wasn't there, I would still go through it and be okay. He isn't a part of my life anymore, and that needs to remain in the past. I also feel somewhat relieved that I am going through this as a single person. I can focus on myself totally and do what I need to do, without concern for anyone else. A great time to be selfish.
Of course, I'm thinking a lot about a potential diagnosis. Wondering what it feels like to have cancer. And do I know what that feels like now? Ha ha. And should I appreciate this time of blissful unawareness, because tomorrow my life may change in a very drastic way? If they do find something, I am ready for the fight. I've tackled some stuff in my life, this would be no different.
My family doesn't know about this. I've told my supervisor at work, since I'll be out most of the day, and two friends. A large percentage of breast abnormalities are totally benign, so there is no point in worrying my family. I'll tell them if nothing is found. If something is, I may need help in telling them. My aunt is a nurse so I think I would call her and ask her to come up and help me tell them. She could answer a lot of the clinical questions and statitistical stuff.
So all I can do is get a good night's sleep, relax, and trust that I am being evaluated by NH's best breast health physicians, and receiving personal care by one of their practitioners who specialize in high risk breast cancer (being 32 would make me high risk). I trust that and I take some comfort in it. Also knowing God is with me all the time and through each step. I praised Him in Easter service today, and I will continue to, as He is the one who truly is always there for me.
Update: Totally normal breast tissue! Hurray! Basically lots of fat loss and normal "sagging" made some breast tissue migrate together and form an island. Weird, huh? So if I gain weight, cut back on caffeine and salt, it will become a lot less noticeable. I can't say I intend to do any of those, but at least I know what it is and I am still one healthy, cool chick.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Dream
To dream that you are at somebody else's funeral, signifies that you are burying an old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go some of the feelings that you've been clinging onto.
To dream that you are watching the snow fall, represents a clean start and a fresh, new perspective. It is indicative of spiritual peace and tranquility.
To dream that you are watching the snow fall, represents a clean start and a fresh, new perspective. It is indicative of spiritual peace and tranquility.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
My horoscope for today
The New Moon Eclipse today occurs in your sign, marking an end to one phase of your life. It's up to you, however, to bring closure to recent events, so you are free to move on. Don't be afraid to feel the intensity of an emotional loss, which can help you process your feelings. Remember, elimination is a necessary natural process that is required prior to renewal.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Six Months!
Wow where did the time go? Six months with Mr. H and I am just as happy now as I was at 6 weeks and 6 days. Maybe even more so now, because I have a better idea of what I've gotten myself into.
Nick was 100% here for me when I had outpatient surgery last month. He waited in my little recovery room and even assisted with the insertion of my IV. Darn veins. Anyway, Nick is an extremely special person and he simply means the world to me. Six months came fast, but in some ways it feels longer. Emotional intimacy at its finest. Truly a gift from God.
I'll update again at six years.
Ha ha! Maybe in a little while, like for my birthday or when Ms. Emily comes to visit from Cheese Land.
Nick was 100% here for me when I had outpatient surgery last month. He waited in my little recovery room and even assisted with the insertion of my IV. Darn veins. Anyway, Nick is an extremely special person and he simply means the world to me. Six months came fast, but in some ways it feels longer. Emotional intimacy at its finest. Truly a gift from God.
I'll update again at six years.
Ha ha! Maybe in a little while, like for my birthday or when Ms. Emily comes to visit from Cheese Land.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
New Year's Eve Times Square NYC!
Us in Times Square
In front of the Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center
Nick treated us all to a horse drawn carriage ride!
In front of the Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center
Nick treated us all to a horse drawn carriage ride!
Friday, December 08, 2006
Holidays!
I'm very much looking forward to the holidays. Ten days vacation from work will be great. Boston Pops Christmas concert will be great. Christmas will be great, and New Year's Eve will be the bomb. What am I doing for New Year's Eve?
Here's another hint, in case you don't get it:
Yes! Mr H. and I will be in Times Square on December 31st. I'm gonna wear so many warm layers I'll hardly be able to put my coat on! But I will be kissing Nick as the ball drops and Dick Clark announces 2007 in Times Square. That will be all the warmth I'll need.
It's so exciting and SATISFYING to be with a man who enjoys the same things I do, along with everything else he is to me. I never thought I could have it this good in a relationship, even though I deserve it! Ha ha!
In case of no update before NYE, have a WONDERFUL time with your family and friends, and have a really decadent dessert for me! In fact, post a comment on what you ate in my honor (it will give you an excuse to eat something really sinful and blame it on me)!
Here's another hint, in case you don't get it:
Yes! Mr H. and I will be in Times Square on December 31st. I'm gonna wear so many warm layers I'll hardly be able to put my coat on! But I will be kissing Nick as the ball drops and Dick Clark announces 2007 in Times Square. That will be all the warmth I'll need.
It's so exciting and SATISFYING to be with a man who enjoys the same things I do, along with everything else he is to me. I never thought I could have it this good in a relationship, even though I deserve it! Ha ha!
In case of no update before NYE, have a WONDERFUL time with your family and friends, and have a really decadent dessert for me! In fact, post a comment on what you ate in my honor (it will give you an excuse to eat something really sinful and blame it on me)!
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Um yeah...
So I'm totally procrastinating touching up my hair. It has to be done, but I wanted especially to get it done tonight because I'm going to a funeral tomorrow. What better reason to do ones roots, right? I also need a trim, which I will also do. But I'm finding myself mindlessly browsing the good ol' net, putting off what needs to be done.
No one in my family passed, but this is the third such occasion I will have attended this year. One of Nick's relatives passed away a few nights ago, of the same disease that the first person who passed this year. So much of our pain is self-inflicted, I think.
So I will sit beside Nick at the church tomorrow morning, give his hand little squeezes to communicate silently, and help him out of any sticky moments he might find himself in. The girlfriend is a great distractor.
In other random thoughts, I'm really looking forward to T-Day. Can't wait to run with Nick in his first race, can't wait to eat turkey with the family, which now includes Nick. And games and laughter later on in the evening, and lots of making fun of my sister's cat, who had an unfortunate accident and is now left with a bent, partially shaven tail. Should be a great time.
I'm going to go watch The Office now. It's like my favorite show.
So I'm totally procrastinating touching up my hair. It has to be done, but I wanted especially to get it done tonight because I'm going to a funeral tomorrow. What better reason to do ones roots, right? I also need a trim, which I will also do. But I'm finding myself mindlessly browsing the good ol' net, putting off what needs to be done.
No one in my family passed, but this is the third such occasion I will have attended this year. One of Nick's relatives passed away a few nights ago, of the same disease that the first person who passed this year. So much of our pain is self-inflicted, I think.
So I will sit beside Nick at the church tomorrow morning, give his hand little squeezes to communicate silently, and help him out of any sticky moments he might find himself in. The girlfriend is a great distractor.
In other random thoughts, I'm really looking forward to T-Day. Can't wait to run with Nick in his first race, can't wait to eat turkey with the family, which now includes Nick. And games and laughter later on in the evening, and lots of making fun of my sister's cat, who had an unfortunate accident and is now left with a bent, partially shaven tail. Should be a great time.
I'm going to go watch The Office now. It's like my favorite show.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Three Months
It's only been three months with Nick. I just don't see how that's possible. We spend so much time together, talking, laughing, running, doing nothing, being silly, that it feels so much longer. I feel a strong bond with Nick and a deep emotional connection. Plus, he still hot. Like, really hot. Almost getting hotter with each passing day. Ha ha!
Nick is joining my family for Thanksgiving after our Feaster Five 5K run. I can't wait to run that race with him and cross the finish line with him. He came to support me at my race last weekend, which I finished a full 3 minutes better than my last 5K - Woo hoo! His post race massage felt pretty great too.
So things are still great. I still have no idea how this will all turn out, but it has been easily the most emotionally intimate I've ever felt with a man. He's kind of like a male version of Tina, my best friend from way back. We talk about everything and spend time just laying or sitting around, listening to music and being foolish. It's fun. I don't have to think much before I speak. That's pretty big for me. I feel very free with Nick.
Okay I'll stop making y'all sick with my ramblings about my handsome, wonderfully affectionate and loving man. That's why I haven't updated lately... it's kind of more of the same (with some definite unexpected twists that I won't share), and I know you guys are easily bored without pics. So here's one as a reward for reading this post.
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