Cayman Islands vs. 2.5" Penis (erect!)

Another eventful weekend, I am happy to say. And no anxiety this time. Woo hoo!

Friday started out with a bang at Bow/Concord's happening hot spot, the Chen Yang Li lounge. A live band - one member looked sort of like the dude from Whitesnake... you never know... me in a ponytail and sneakers hearing about someone's handcuffs and another person's "private parties", which I, along with my cohorts, were invited to (yeah, no thanks). Jocko seemed harmless enough... a wannabe Chippendales dancer, you know, the type you can't quite decide is gay or not... but when he told me about his workouts and diet and how he can do a SPLIT... yes, a split... I knew the night was off to an entertaining start.

I watched my co-workers dance like I never knew they could, a couple of drunk girls get into a fight, and generally observed Concord nightlife for what it is - not a bad place to be if you're not dressed up and want more comedy than Comedy Night at the Chateau in Manchester.

And no, I did not stay in touch with dirty dancing Jocko... I refused his advances by informing him he was too sexy for me. This is my new rejection line. They are rejected, sure, but it has an ego boost built in, so hopefully they don't feel too bad. Jocko suggested maybe I couldn't handle the challenge of "Jocko", and I agreed. Just way too sexy for me. I would still like to see him do a split, though.



Saturday, I wined and dined on antipasto at Fratello's with a new friend and attended the Sting concert at the Verizon Center. It's always interesting getting to know someone, as I prefer to cut through the bullshit almost immediately and find out what's really going on. The wine was good, the eggplant was delicious, and our seats at the concert were great. The conversation was guarded and careful. I don't like that. I told dude that everything was going to come out eventually and we would probably end up in the same place eventually, so be out with it and let's both save some time. I'm sure it sounded nicer than that, but he got my point (thankfully). It wasn't the first date and I knew he was into me (because I AM just THAT great), so I took a chance and got a little feisty. He liked.



Today, Mother's Day, my mother and I completed the Mother of All 5Ks in Concord, NH. What a great race. I was number 315 - pic to follow once I get the roll of film with bullriding, pharmacy and Sting developed. Very positive vibe, everyone ready to give it their best and have a good time.

The run benefited the expansion of the New Hampshire Technical Institute’s Nursing Education Center. It was nice in that my mother's mother passed away on Mother's Day a few years ago and was a nurse most of her life. When she retired, she was next in line to the administrator of Goddard Hospital, which has since closed. They talked of naming a new wing at the South Shore Hospital after her, or at the very least, a plaque commemorating her years of dedicated service. If you (God forbid) ever have a need to be at South Shore, look for some commemoration of Mary E. Hill, one of the original feisty women in my family.

After the race, we ate some quality authentic Mexican with sangria and margaritas with my sister and her family.



Later this evening, I got a very strange call. Some of you may be familiar with a story I've told about a past romantic disappointment. I think if I just say "micropenis", most of you who know the story will know exactly what I am referring to.

"Micropenis" - we'll call him "Mic" for short - called me to see how I was, yadda yadda, yadda (is yadda a Yiddish term? I believe it is), asks if I'm seeing anyone, then proceeds to tell me he is dating someone who doesn't like sex. All I can think is,

"Great! You found your match!"

But Mic is dissatisfied in his new relationship. Apparently she gets a lot of UTI's. My thinking is that I would probably come up with a chronic infection as an excuse not to have sex with him if I were her, but I digress.

Mic says that he remembers I am nice, and very sexy. He says he is not looking to remarry and this girl seems pretty serious about him. But she just isn't that sexual. Considering Mic may not be physically capable of having sex, and gets weirded out by oral, I am surprised this bothers him. I think maybe he just likes the idea of having sex, and being with a sexy lady, because dude sure can't come through.

We discussed that he really needs to be upfront with this lady if he has no intention of taking the relationship to another level. They have dated for six months, and really, if she wants to be Mrs. Mic and he wants to pretend he's having sex, why are they still together? He asked to change the subject.

Mic tells me he has been invited to the Cayman Islands for Memorial Day weekend to be a guest lecturer at a conference. His new business is on its feet (I proofread and edited his brochure) and he is in higher demand than ever before. Great. Good to hear. Still doesn't elongate a penis.

Mic asks if I am able to travel that weekend. Uh DUH... YA. But I begin to think of logistics. We would share a room. That's fine, it's really more like bunking with a girlfriend... he even bought me tampons once. So we're okay on that level. I could attend the conference and watch his powerpoint presentation or whatever, and mingle with the professionals in attendance. Cool. Then I could snorkel, swim, get some sun and have a chance to relax in style. Loving that.

However, even if I pretend to feel the micropenis, pretend to orgasm (which is a cardinal SIN), and tell him he's all that... he has a girlfriend. Who wants to marry him. I tell him he needs to end that before we even think of traveling. He's okay with that (or so he tells me). He turns the conversation to [shiver] sex. And kinda explicit, too. And I'm thinking,

"Dude. You have a 2.5" penis. Erect. Full mast. I've seen it. I know what's there. Do you think I am delusional or exceptionally forgetful? Because I'm not. And this weird sex talk is kinda creeping me out. So stop."

He saves me by saying he has to get back to work (at 9 pm on a Sunday) but he will call tomorrow. Great. More call screening.

The Caymans look beautiful. It's a paid trip. It's only a weekend. I'm not seeing anyone exclusively. Mic is a funny guy, always has me cracking up. But what about dealing with the "issue" once back at the room?

I once refused a trip to Vegas to see a Tyson fight at Mandalay Bay because the guy was a JERK. I hadn't been to Vegas at that time, and would have loved to see pro boxing at an upscale casino. But the thought of spending time with this controlling jerk overrode my desire to whoop it up in Vegas.

I guess it would be easier to refuse the Caymans if Mic was a dick.

He's not a dick, he just doesn't have one.

What to do.


70 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A MAN WITH A SMALL PENIS

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. I'm sorry.
4. Never mind, why bother.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don't we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It's more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a nightcrawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won't take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done.
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusion?
56. What is that?
57. Does this run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
65. Deep throat???
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?
69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
70. Don't hold back.