Update on the Muffin stuff oh and the Floridian

Muffin and I had a great time together. He's funny as hell, sweet, affectionate and more mature than the average 22 year old. As he said, "We have a lot of sexual energy". True. But I need more than that with someone. We never fully consumated our little whatever we had, but it was great being reminded of my own energy in that area and knowing that it just takes the right person to truly bring it out in all its unbridled glory :)

Fine Ass Alex from Florida actually expected a physical relationship after just 3 dates. He told me he is a grown ass man and isn't accustomed to not getting what he wants. I know, I know, where on earth do I meet these people? Conclusion: He was nice to look at and it felt damn good to date a black man again. That's it. I told him I thought we'd be better as friends, and haven't heard from him since.

In more general dating news, I seem to be attracting lots of men WAY outside of my age range. They're either 24 or 48. The 24 year old was truly surprised at my actual age. He thought I was close to his age. The 48 year old thought I was older than 33. WTF!

I'm having no problems meeting people. Age appropriateness would be nice. I think it's funny that boys in their early 20's think have something to offer me and men in their 50's think we have lots in common. It's all charming but not close to what I need.

My Blog Devotees

who check my blog every now and again, wondering what the heck I've gotten myself into these days... I'm coming back!

My old Commodore 64 has been rendered almost entirely useless. I had no mouse functionality, and for some reason that meant I couldn't post blogs here.

My knight in shining technology delivered to me a brand new totally portable and infinitely useful laptop this last movie night. A "birthday gift" he said. Hmm. Seven minutes sky diving in an indoor wind tunnel to... a laptop. But we are not keeping score, he says. It's the meaning, not the price tag. Fine. But this year I am paying for the $36 salad and chicken leg and $12 chili up north on the 4th of July.

So, new computer = more blog posts. Maybe even from Panera or Murphy's. Oh and I have a little built in webcam, so I can snap lame shots of me drinking coffee at Panera and typing my little blog posts. I love technology.

Muffin

I hope to know the muffin man biblically. I resisted Muffin because of his age, but after observing him for a month, I'm down. It's all just a matter of logistics and timing now. George, you were right - he is a Muffin! Man. He's not gonna know what hit him.

In the void

Yo.

You ever get the feeling that something's gonna happen? Like any day now, something is going to happen, and my life will be forever changed. That's how I feel right now.

The new job is cool, if somewhat boring. The people are great and extra money is never bad. I have PAL1 to thank. I'm glad he needed a familiar friendly face in the pharmacy.

I underwent a very minor medical procedure last week that will help to improve my overall quality of life. I already feel it. No, I didn't get breast implants.

I see Gary Glancer at the gym more now than I did over the past year. After our last "date", I never called or emailed him. He emailed me, but I didn't reply. I saw him a while back at the gym, said hello, and he promptly disappeared into the mens locker room - and didn't emerge again. Pussy. LOL. Saw him again yesterday, said hello. He tried to start a convo but I wasn't having it. Don't waste my precious gym time, you pretentious prick, I should have said. Instead, I walked back to the squat rack and ran into my least favorite gym goer - the cousin of my stalker ex from 1999. He wanted to talk too, but my icy glare quickly discouraged him. Soon I may run into Karl at the gym, and he will be a much more welcome sight.

Oh. Making some interesting breakthroughs and revelations. Recognizing red flags from men more readily now. Realizing that the less I care about an outcome, the clearer minded I am. Also relearning that if I don't care about seeing some dude, don't return his calls and make him do 100% of the effort, dude wants me even more. I gently scoff at Al for playing mind games with all his hos (oops, I meant special ladies), but it does seem effective. I'm not purposely playing a game, I just don't have time or energy to mess with someone who is lost in life. Find your fucking way and if that way leads back to me and you've got your head on straight, cool. In the meantime, leave me alone. I'm not your mommy, I'm not here to fix you, encourage you to live better or get your act together. There are plenty of women out there looking to do all that. Waste their time, not mine.

Alright, now that I've vented...

Axis and Allies is a cool game if you have 12 hours free. I might join Cal at some role playing game thing, I'm not sure exactly what it is. If it doesn't last 12 hours, I'm down.

Loving that Sarah is hosting New Food Friday. Freaking genius. You cook something you've never made (and preferably never have eaten) before. Potluck style at the Love Muffin's pad. I like to cook, but I need a reason. So this is a positive thing.

What else. Christmas shopping is nearly complete. Nails are polished. Nice leg workout today. My mom's dog is happy. All is well. I'm just waiting for something to happen.

I'm not attracted to many men

But when I am, look out. My brass balls came out of my dress pants Monday afternoon. I didn't want to walk away, I didn't want to never see him again. So when he showed me his bare left hand, I went in for the kill. I asked this total stranger if he was seeing anyone. He was not. I called him that night. We went out two nights this week.

And as soon as it started, it ended.

He's in a much different place than me. I have ideas of what I'd like to do and where I'd like to be. He does not. It's okay. I'm glad I know now rather than 8 months from now. But damn he is sexy. We know some of the same people. We'll see each other again. I know I'll see him if I remain interested in local politics.

I always thought I'd marry a politician, and I've tried to conduct my public life as if I would. It won't be this one, but I'd still like to kiss him.

Dipping My Toe Back In

Ok, I've gone on 1.5 dates. With Gary Glancer, the dude I met at the gym last summer. He finally asked me out. We met at a restaurant after we went to our respective homes to shower and change - whereupon I bumped into 1. A girl from my chemistry class and 2. My friend Alan and his lovely fiance Kate.

Gary was waiting for me at the bar. For some reason, I wasn't as attracted to him as I was last year. We talked, ate, talked, ate. Then he brought up the subject of astrology. And leaned back to show me his YIN AND YANG BELT BUCKLE. WTF. Like, huge, lacquered belt buckle. It was almost embarrassing.

We ended up at Barnes and Noble, he with a triple shot espresso, me with a bottle of water. We perused astrology books and boy did we learn a lot about each other. So much, in fact, that I reminded him I am recuperating from an upper respiratory infection, on antibiotics, and would feel awful if he got it. Hint: Give me some distance, partner.

Gary is a successful attorney in Bedford, divorced for a year, and not one bit introspective or self examining. Kind of one of those people to whom stuff "just happens" and they cannot see their role in any of it. We've all been at that state of denial in our lives, but dude is 10 years older than me, studies Eastern philosophy and religion, so I kind of expected more.

Not wanting to dismiss him too quickly, being my first date since March and all, I agreed to meet him for dinner tonight at 7 pm. I was home by 7:30. I literally did not like this guy so much that I used the lamest excuse in the book - "I'm not feeling well" and bolted the heck out of there. "There" being the Commercial Street Fishery, which his friend owns, to whom I was introduced. By whom I was quickly dismissed. Nice.

So that went well. No more curiosity about Gary Glancer, I have all I need to know. He asked me to call him when I return from whitewater river rafting in Maine this weekend. I won't.


Aside from that, a hang up call from Billy. Mature. I know he will read this eventually, because all of my exes develop a weird obsession with me after we break up, so Billy - DELETE MY FUCKING NUMBER AND NEVER CALL ME AGAIN.


Looking forward to rafting this weekend with some very quality people. I'm sure I'll have tons of pictures from the trip, so check my myspace page in a few weeks for those. Also planning a 3-4 day trip in Philadelphia, mostly to catch some live music, R & B, soul, maybe even some hip hop. And I'll take a picture of my Philly cheese steak for y'all. That's gotta count as post Rocky stair running nutrition, right?

At Present

I haven't written anything in a long time, but someone recently told me that they still check my blog for updates! Aww you missed me! So here we go:

Let's see, in the past five months, I've:

Joined a volleyball league
Resumed therapy (more on why later)
Started training for a half marathon
Taken a chemistry class to fulfill a nursing school requirement - and earned an A!
Not gone on one date (shocking I know, but more on this, too)
Attended church services more frequently and starting to get involved with a group

I think that's it. Oh and someone with whom I used to have intimacy and not a relationship has been back in touch, but I've made a commitment to myself to not resume that whole deal. It would just be taking a step backwards. Very tough decision, but I think it'll pay off in the end.

So where am I now. On the verge of greatness. Ready to start school, but scared and unsure of the finances involved. A little lonely. Made some new friends and had to dismiss a few (due to totally incompatible moral values). Feeling really pretty good about myself and where I am emotionally and physically. Mentally confident from taking a ridiculously intense chemistry class. Excited about learning to kayak next weekend in Newport, RI. Stocked with enough Lean Cuisine to ease my anxiety.

I'll get more into some details later, but for now I must lift my freaking ass off at the gym. Later!

Life

I had a dream last week that my cousin Jessica told me she has breast cancer. I cried and hugged her. When I woke up, I thought to myself, "gee, I haven't done a self breast exam in a while". I had a routine GYN appointment the next day, so I logged onto the Susan G. Komen website and reacquainted myself with the exam.

A couple years ago, I had a spot inside my left breast that hurt right before my period. It felt like a grape. I talked to my old nurse practitioner about it, and she said it was part of the hormonal changes during a cycle, and indeed, the pain did go away after my period each month. If anything changed, we could look further into it.

Last Thursday night, while performing my self exam, I noticed a big change. The grape was gone. There was no tenderness. In its place was what I can only describe as a mass. Totally different texture than the other breast tissue, very different than my right breast. When you feel the texture of your breast, it can feel fibrous, lumpy, etc. Mine feel fibrous. With this mass, I couldn't get my fingers into it - there was no fibrous texture. More solid. And big.

At my appointment I asked if someone could do an exam. I told her the changes I felt, and she agreed that it felt totally different than the other tissue. Luckily, I am a patient at one of the best OB/GYN offices in Manchester. They tested and resolved a recent problem I had that my previous caregiver had not been able to figure out. So I'm confident I am in good hands.

She told me that I "got to go throught the process". They would make an appointment for me to see a doctor at the Breast Health Center, where one of the physicians was rated best of NH for six years. When the front desk called for my appointment, they were told nothing was available. They told them my age and that I have a breast mass. Suddenly I have an appointment tomorrow morning. Apparently at this place, they keep you there until they figure it out. So there's no "do this test, go home, wait, come back, do another test, wait". They'll start with an ultrasound. If they find something from that, they'll do a mammogram. If they find something from that, they'll do a biopsy, etc.

I told my new GYN practitioner that I wasn't going to panic. She said I was taking it very well. Of course, I looked way into that statement, and thought, "Should I be taking this hard? Or is that just the usual reaction, to panic?" I think it's the latter. I can't panic until they tell me something is wrong. What would be the point? I just have to go through the process and see what happens. I have no history of any cancer in my family. I'm young, not obese, and pretty freaking healthy. I have only one of the risk factors, which is starting your period before a certain age.

When I left the office Friday, I thought how much I needed Nick with me to get through Monday. How much I needed him to sit with me in the doctor's office and joke with me and support me. I just felt like a scared little girl who needed someone to love her and tell her everything would be okay, and hold my hand when I needed it. And tap my arm veins until blood squirted on the floor from the IV insertion, like he did when I had surgery in January. I missed him and felt a hole inside of me at that moment, driving from the doctor's office. I wondered who would help me through this. And my first thought was of Jesus. Once again, he will pick me up and carry me, and send me competent and skilled physicians and supportive people to appear in my life. If Nick wasn't there, I would still go through it and be okay. He isn't a part of my life anymore, and that needs to remain in the past. I also feel somewhat relieved that I am going through this as a single person. I can focus on myself totally and do what I need to do, without concern for anyone else. A great time to be selfish.

Of course, I'm thinking a lot about a potential diagnosis. Wondering what it feels like to have cancer. And do I know what that feels like now? Ha ha. And should I appreciate this time of blissful unawareness, because tomorrow my life may change in a very drastic way? If they do find something, I am ready for the fight. I've tackled some stuff in my life, this would be no different.

My family doesn't know about this. I've told my supervisor at work, since I'll be out most of the day, and two friends. A large percentage of breast abnormalities are totally benign, so there is no point in worrying my family. I'll tell them if nothing is found. If something is, I may need help in telling them. My aunt is a nurse so I think I would call her and ask her to come up and help me tell them. She could answer a lot of the clinical questions and statitistical stuff.

So all I can do is get a good night's sleep, relax, and trust that I am being evaluated by NH's best breast health physicians, and receiving personal care by one of their practitioners who specialize in high risk breast cancer (being 32 would make me high risk). I trust that and I take some comfort in it. Also knowing God is with me all the time and through each step. I praised Him in Easter service today, and I will continue to, as He is the one who truly is always there for me.

Update: Totally normal breast tissue! Hurray! Basically lots of fat loss and normal "sagging" made some breast tissue migrate together and form an island. Weird, huh? So if I gain weight, cut back on caffeine and salt, it will become a lot less noticeable. I can't say I intend to do any of those, but at least I know what it is and I am still one healthy, cool chick.

Dream

To dream that you are at somebody else's funeral, signifies that you are burying an old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go some of the feelings that you've been clinging onto.

To dream that you are watching the snow fall, represents a clean start and a fresh, new perspective. It is indicative of spiritual peace and tranquility.

My horoscope for today

The New Moon Eclipse today occurs in your sign, marking an end to one phase of your life. It's up to you, however, to bring closure to recent events, so you are free to move on. Don't be afraid to feel the intensity of an emotional loss, which can help you process your feelings. Remember, elimination is a necessary natural process that is required prior to renewal.

Six Months!

Wow where did the time go? Six months with Mr. H and I am just as happy now as I was at 6 weeks and 6 days. Maybe even more so now, because I have a better idea of what I've gotten myself into.

Nick was 100% here for me when I had outpatient surgery last month. He waited in my little recovery room and even assisted with the insertion of my IV. Darn veins. Anyway, Nick is an extremely special person and he simply means the world to me. Six months came fast, but in some ways it feels longer. Emotional intimacy at its finest. Truly a gift from God.

I'll update again at six years.



Ha ha! Maybe in a little while, like for my birthday or when Ms. Emily comes to visit from Cheese Land.

New Year's Eve Times Square NYC!

Us in Times Square


In front of the Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center







Nick treated us all to a horse drawn carriage ride!

Holidays!

I'm very much looking forward to the holidays. Ten days vacation from work will be great. Boston Pops Christmas concert will be great. Christmas will be great, and New Year's Eve will be the bomb. What am I doing for New Year's Eve?

Here's another hint, in case you don't get it:



Yes! Mr H. and I will be in Times Square on December 31st. I'm gonna wear so many warm layers I'll hardly be able to put my coat on! But I will be kissing Nick as the ball drops and Dick Clark announces 2007 in Times Square. That will be all the warmth I'll need.

It's so exciting and SATISFYING to be with a man who enjoys the same things I do, along with everything else he is to me. I never thought I could have it this good in a relationship, even though I deserve it! Ha ha!

In case of no update before NYE, have a WONDERFUL time with your family and friends, and have a really decadent dessert for me! In fact, post a comment on what you ate in my honor (it will give you an excuse to eat something really sinful and blame it on me)!

Um yeah...
So I'm totally procrastinating touching up my hair. It has to be done, but I wanted especially to get it done tonight because I'm going to a funeral tomorrow. What better reason to do ones roots, right? I also need a trim, which I will also do. But I'm finding myself mindlessly browsing the good ol' net, putting off what needs to be done.

No one in my family passed, but this is the third such occasion I will have attended this year. One of Nick's relatives passed away a few nights ago, of the same disease that the first person who passed this year. So much of our pain is self-inflicted, I think.

So I will sit beside Nick at the church tomorrow morning, give his hand little squeezes to communicate silently, and help him out of any sticky moments he might find himself in. The girlfriend is a great distractor.


In other random thoughts, I'm really looking forward to T-Day. Can't wait to run with Nick in his first race, can't wait to eat turkey with the family, which now includes Nick. And games and laughter later on in the evening, and lots of making fun of my sister's cat, who had an unfortunate accident and is now left with a bent, partially shaven tail. Should be a great time.

I'm going to go watch The Office now. It's like my favorite show.

Three Months

View from the lake house where we spent Nick's birthday weekend

It's only been three months with Nick. I just don't see how that's possible. We spend so much time together, talking, laughing, running, doing nothing, being silly, that it feels so much longer. I feel a strong bond with Nick and a deep emotional connection. Plus, he still hot. Like, really hot. Almost getting hotter with each passing day. Ha ha!

Nick is joining my family for Thanksgiving after our Feaster Five 5K run. I can't wait to run that race with him and cross the finish line with him. He came to support me at my race last weekend, which I finished a full 3 minutes better than my last 5K - Woo hoo! His post race massage felt pretty great too.

So things are still great. I still have no idea how this will all turn out, but it has been easily the most emotionally intimate I've ever felt with a man. He's kind of like a male version of Tina, my best friend from way back. We talk about everything and spend time just laying or sitting around, listening to music and being foolish. It's fun. I don't have to think much before I speak. That's pretty big for me. I feel very free with Nick.

Okay I'll stop making y'all sick with my ramblings about my handsome, wonderfully affectionate and loving man. That's why I haven't updated lately... it's kind of more of the same (with some definite unexpected twists that I won't share), and I know you guys are easily bored without pics. So here's one as a reward for reading this post.


Nick built a fire that was almost as hot as he is

Brief Update

I'm feeling very comfortable in my new relationship. And that's not even freaking me out.

Nick's birthday is this week. I actually have it all covered, and I'm not too worried about it. He likes to celebrate birthdays, and we're probably going away next weekend as part of his celebration. The gifts I chose are very uniquely him, and I have no doubt he'll like them. I guess you can know a person pretty well even in just 7 weeks, if you're talking all the time and sharing your life. The ease of all this is still blowing my mind.

On Fridays, people at work are telling me not to elope over the weekend, because they want to come to my wedding. My supervisor at work thinks Nick and I are a match made in heaven. I'm not thinking quite that far ahead, but this definitely feels more right than I ever thought it was supposed to. I've decided to leave this to God, and let him guide it where He will. Everything else has worked out in that way (dodged bullets), so He knows best.

That's about it for an update. Look for Thanksgiving race pics at the end of November! Nick is running his first race with me, and I know he'll do great. My mom will participate again this year as a walker. She's becoming quite the race veteran!

I'll update before then if something especially cool happens. I need to start taking my camera with me where ever we go. We see a lot of beautiful things when we're together.

Hope your fall is starting wonderfully.

CHICAGO!

Gazing into the "bean" (Cloud Gate) at Millenium Park

My first friend in Chicago - At O'Hare, we sang Elton John's "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues".

After tipping my new Chicagoan friend, I got on the "el" (Elevated Train) and rode the blue line to the hotel, the Palmer House Hilton.


The lobby at the the Palmer House, where we stayed in a two bathroom suite. Gotta say, loving the his and hers bathrooms!

We went to the House of Blues the first night and had a good time. The band took a break and got really high, so the next set was entertaining more for their giggling and paranoia than for their music. Walking back to our hotel, we saw a Morton's of Chicago sign. I have been to the Morton's in Uptown Charlotte years ago, and it was easily the best meal I'd ever had. Nick suggested we go there the next night for dinner, and I was thrilled!

A Great City

Sunday, Nick headed back to McCormick Place for his convention, and I met up with Larry, my Chicago Greeter. We explored Lincoln Park, Old Town, part of the Gold Coast and the Lincoln Park Zoo.

The Chicago Cultural Center (the older building on the left), view from Michigan Avenue. This was the first public library in Chicago, built after the Chicago Fire.

The "new" public library. Gargoyles! The architectural design in Chicago is phenomenal. I will definitely take an architecture tour next time I am in town.



The Red Line

Chicago Theater! Right down the street from Marshall Fields.


Me and Abe Lincoln in where else... but Lincoln Park!


Me with the flamingos in Lincoln Park Zoo. I wanted to have a new photo of me with flamingos, since the last one I took was in Florida in a completely different experience. New memories are the best.

One Month Anniversary

Long days at the convention and touring the city - now the REAL fun begins!

Nick and me in the cab on the way to Morton's.

GOOD jazz at Andy's



My love, my dream, my handsome, sweet man - Nick H.

The woman of his dreams

Water and Art

Shedd Aquarium





Komodo Dragon! Asleep...

Ulysses S. Grant - Grant Park



The Art Institute of Chicago

When I rounded the corner and saw this original Edward Hopper, I gasped. This is Nighthawks.

Monet's Waterlilies