Life

I had a dream last week that my cousin Jessica told me she has breast cancer. I cried and hugged her. When I woke up, I thought to myself, "gee, I haven't done a self breast exam in a while". I had a routine GYN appointment the next day, so I logged onto the Susan G. Komen website and reacquainted myself with the exam.

A couple years ago, I had a spot inside my left breast that hurt right before my period. It felt like a grape. I talked to my old nurse practitioner about it, and she said it was part of the hormonal changes during a cycle, and indeed, the pain did go away after my period each month. If anything changed, we could look further into it.

Last Thursday night, while performing my self exam, I noticed a big change. The grape was gone. There was no tenderness. In its place was what I can only describe as a mass. Totally different texture than the other breast tissue, very different than my right breast. When you feel the texture of your breast, it can feel fibrous, lumpy, etc. Mine feel fibrous. With this mass, I couldn't get my fingers into it - there was no fibrous texture. More solid. And big.

At my appointment I asked if someone could do an exam. I told her the changes I felt, and she agreed that it felt totally different than the other tissue. Luckily, I am a patient at one of the best OB/GYN offices in Manchester. They tested and resolved a recent problem I had that my previous caregiver had not been able to figure out. So I'm confident I am in good hands.

She told me that I "got to go throught the process". They would make an appointment for me to see a doctor at the Breast Health Center, where one of the physicians was rated best of NH for six years. When the front desk called for my appointment, they were told nothing was available. They told them my age and that I have a breast mass. Suddenly I have an appointment tomorrow morning. Apparently at this place, they keep you there until they figure it out. So there's no "do this test, go home, wait, come back, do another test, wait". They'll start with an ultrasound. If they find something from that, they'll do a mammogram. If they find something from that, they'll do a biopsy, etc.

I told my new GYN practitioner that I wasn't going to panic. She said I was taking it very well. Of course, I looked way into that statement, and thought, "Should I be taking this hard? Or is that just the usual reaction, to panic?" I think it's the latter. I can't panic until they tell me something is wrong. What would be the point? I just have to go through the process and see what happens. I have no history of any cancer in my family. I'm young, not obese, and pretty freaking healthy. I have only one of the risk factors, which is starting your period before a certain age.

When I left the office Friday, I thought how much I needed Nick with me to get through Monday. How much I needed him to sit with me in the doctor's office and joke with me and support me. I just felt like a scared little girl who needed someone to love her and tell her everything would be okay, and hold my hand when I needed it. And tap my arm veins until blood squirted on the floor from the IV insertion, like he did when I had surgery in January. I missed him and felt a hole inside of me at that moment, driving from the doctor's office. I wondered who would help me through this. And my first thought was of Jesus. Once again, he will pick me up and carry me, and send me competent and skilled physicians and supportive people to appear in my life. If Nick wasn't there, I would still go through it and be okay. He isn't a part of my life anymore, and that needs to remain in the past. I also feel somewhat relieved that I am going through this as a single person. I can focus on myself totally and do what I need to do, without concern for anyone else. A great time to be selfish.

Of course, I'm thinking a lot about a potential diagnosis. Wondering what it feels like to have cancer. And do I know what that feels like now? Ha ha. And should I appreciate this time of blissful unawareness, because tomorrow my life may change in a very drastic way? If they do find something, I am ready for the fight. I've tackled some stuff in my life, this would be no different.

My family doesn't know about this. I've told my supervisor at work, since I'll be out most of the day, and two friends. A large percentage of breast abnormalities are totally benign, so there is no point in worrying my family. I'll tell them if nothing is found. If something is, I may need help in telling them. My aunt is a nurse so I think I would call her and ask her to come up and help me tell them. She could answer a lot of the clinical questions and statitistical stuff.

So all I can do is get a good night's sleep, relax, and trust that I am being evaluated by NH's best breast health physicians, and receiving personal care by one of their practitioners who specialize in high risk breast cancer (being 32 would make me high risk). I trust that and I take some comfort in it. Also knowing God is with me all the time and through each step. I praised Him in Easter service today, and I will continue to, as He is the one who truly is always there for me.

Update: Totally normal breast tissue! Hurray! Basically lots of fat loss and normal "sagging" made some breast tissue migrate together and form an island. Weird, huh? So if I gain weight, cut back on caffeine and salt, it will become a lot less noticeable. I can't say I intend to do any of those, but at least I know what it is and I am still one healthy, cool chick.

Dream

To dream that you are at somebody else's funeral, signifies that you are burying an old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go some of the feelings that you've been clinging onto.

To dream that you are watching the snow fall, represents a clean start and a fresh, new perspective. It is indicative of spiritual peace and tranquility.

My horoscope for today

The New Moon Eclipse today occurs in your sign, marking an end to one phase of your life. It's up to you, however, to bring closure to recent events, so you are free to move on. Don't be afraid to feel the intensity of an emotional loss, which can help you process your feelings. Remember, elimination is a necessary natural process that is required prior to renewal.

Six Months!

Wow where did the time go? Six months with Mr. H and I am just as happy now as I was at 6 weeks and 6 days. Maybe even more so now, because I have a better idea of what I've gotten myself into.

Nick was 100% here for me when I had outpatient surgery last month. He waited in my little recovery room and even assisted with the insertion of my IV. Darn veins. Anyway, Nick is an extremely special person and he simply means the world to me. Six months came fast, but in some ways it feels longer. Emotional intimacy at its finest. Truly a gift from God.

I'll update again at six years.



Ha ha! Maybe in a little while, like for my birthday or when Ms. Emily comes to visit from Cheese Land.

New Year's Eve Times Square NYC!

Us in Times Square


In front of the Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center







Nick treated us all to a horse drawn carriage ride!

Holidays!

I'm very much looking forward to the holidays. Ten days vacation from work will be great. Boston Pops Christmas concert will be great. Christmas will be great, and New Year's Eve will be the bomb. What am I doing for New Year's Eve?

Here's another hint, in case you don't get it:



Yes! Mr H. and I will be in Times Square on December 31st. I'm gonna wear so many warm layers I'll hardly be able to put my coat on! But I will be kissing Nick as the ball drops and Dick Clark announces 2007 in Times Square. That will be all the warmth I'll need.

It's so exciting and SATISFYING to be with a man who enjoys the same things I do, along with everything else he is to me. I never thought I could have it this good in a relationship, even though I deserve it! Ha ha!

In case of no update before NYE, have a WONDERFUL time with your family and friends, and have a really decadent dessert for me! In fact, post a comment on what you ate in my honor (it will give you an excuse to eat something really sinful and blame it on me)!

Um yeah...
So I'm totally procrastinating touching up my hair. It has to be done, but I wanted especially to get it done tonight because I'm going to a funeral tomorrow. What better reason to do ones roots, right? I also need a trim, which I will also do. But I'm finding myself mindlessly browsing the good ol' net, putting off what needs to be done.

No one in my family passed, but this is the third such occasion I will have attended this year. One of Nick's relatives passed away a few nights ago, of the same disease that the first person who passed this year. So much of our pain is self-inflicted, I think.

So I will sit beside Nick at the church tomorrow morning, give his hand little squeezes to communicate silently, and help him out of any sticky moments he might find himself in. The girlfriend is a great distractor.


In other random thoughts, I'm really looking forward to T-Day. Can't wait to run with Nick in his first race, can't wait to eat turkey with the family, which now includes Nick. And games and laughter later on in the evening, and lots of making fun of my sister's cat, who had an unfortunate accident and is now left with a bent, partially shaven tail. Should be a great time.

I'm going to go watch The Office now. It's like my favorite show.

Three Months

View from the lake house where we spent Nick's birthday weekend

It's only been three months with Nick. I just don't see how that's possible. We spend so much time together, talking, laughing, running, doing nothing, being silly, that it feels so much longer. I feel a strong bond with Nick and a deep emotional connection. Plus, he still hot. Like, really hot. Almost getting hotter with each passing day. Ha ha!

Nick is joining my family for Thanksgiving after our Feaster Five 5K run. I can't wait to run that race with him and cross the finish line with him. He came to support me at my race last weekend, which I finished a full 3 minutes better than my last 5K - Woo hoo! His post race massage felt pretty great too.

So things are still great. I still have no idea how this will all turn out, but it has been easily the most emotionally intimate I've ever felt with a man. He's kind of like a male version of Tina, my best friend from way back. We talk about everything and spend time just laying or sitting around, listening to music and being foolish. It's fun. I don't have to think much before I speak. That's pretty big for me. I feel very free with Nick.

Okay I'll stop making y'all sick with my ramblings about my handsome, wonderfully affectionate and loving man. That's why I haven't updated lately... it's kind of more of the same (with some definite unexpected twists that I won't share), and I know you guys are easily bored without pics. So here's one as a reward for reading this post.


Nick built a fire that was almost as hot as he is

Brief Update

I'm feeling very comfortable in my new relationship. And that's not even freaking me out.

Nick's birthday is this week. I actually have it all covered, and I'm not too worried about it. He likes to celebrate birthdays, and we're probably going away next weekend as part of his celebration. The gifts I chose are very uniquely him, and I have no doubt he'll like them. I guess you can know a person pretty well even in just 7 weeks, if you're talking all the time and sharing your life. The ease of all this is still blowing my mind.

On Fridays, people at work are telling me not to elope over the weekend, because they want to come to my wedding. My supervisor at work thinks Nick and I are a match made in heaven. I'm not thinking quite that far ahead, but this definitely feels more right than I ever thought it was supposed to. I've decided to leave this to God, and let him guide it where He will. Everything else has worked out in that way (dodged bullets), so He knows best.

That's about it for an update. Look for Thanksgiving race pics at the end of November! Nick is running his first race with me, and I know he'll do great. My mom will participate again this year as a walker. She's becoming quite the race veteran!

I'll update before then if something especially cool happens. I need to start taking my camera with me where ever we go. We see a lot of beautiful things when we're together.

Hope your fall is starting wonderfully.

CHICAGO!

Gazing into the "bean" (Cloud Gate) at Millenium Park

My first friend in Chicago - At O'Hare, we sang Elton John's "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues".

After tipping my new Chicagoan friend, I got on the "el" (Elevated Train) and rode the blue line to the hotel, the Palmer House Hilton.


The lobby at the the Palmer House, where we stayed in a two bathroom suite. Gotta say, loving the his and hers bathrooms!

We went to the House of Blues the first night and had a good time. The band took a break and got really high, so the next set was entertaining more for their giggling and paranoia than for their music. Walking back to our hotel, we saw a Morton's of Chicago sign. I have been to the Morton's in Uptown Charlotte years ago, and it was easily the best meal I'd ever had. Nick suggested we go there the next night for dinner, and I was thrilled!

A Great City

Sunday, Nick headed back to McCormick Place for his convention, and I met up with Larry, my Chicago Greeter. We explored Lincoln Park, Old Town, part of the Gold Coast and the Lincoln Park Zoo.

The Chicago Cultural Center (the older building on the left), view from Michigan Avenue. This was the first public library in Chicago, built after the Chicago Fire.

The "new" public library. Gargoyles! The architectural design in Chicago is phenomenal. I will definitely take an architecture tour next time I am in town.



The Red Line

Chicago Theater! Right down the street from Marshall Fields.


Me and Abe Lincoln in where else... but Lincoln Park!


Me with the flamingos in Lincoln Park Zoo. I wanted to have a new photo of me with flamingos, since the last one I took was in Florida in a completely different experience. New memories are the best.

One Month Anniversary

Long days at the convention and touring the city - now the REAL fun begins!

Nick and me in the cab on the way to Morton's.

GOOD jazz at Andy's



My love, my dream, my handsome, sweet man - Nick H.

The woman of his dreams

Water and Art

Shedd Aquarium





Komodo Dragon! Asleep...

Ulysses S. Grant - Grant Park



The Art Institute of Chicago

When I rounded the corner and saw this original Edward Hopper, I gasped. This is Nighthawks.

Monet's Waterlilies

Millenium Park

These faces are supposed to be "modern day gargoyles". The facial expressions slowly change, and faces of all ethnicities are used. There are two facing each other, and water runs down both.

Every few minutes, the mouth opens, and a stream of water comes out!


Jay Pritzker Pavilion

Reflections in Cloud Gate
Goodbye Chicago! We love you and we'll be back for another anniversary!

Time

It's only been 3 weeks. Yet I have shared more about myself and feel more emotionally connected with Nick than I did in almost a year in my last relationship. Sure, I am still deeply infatuated. I haven't felt this way since I was a teenager. I still got butterflies when I saw him dressed up for one of our dates last weekend. Like really nervous! Ha ha!

But it's just interesting how when you're with the right person, everything just sort of falls into place effortlessly. There's no power struggle about making "time" to see someone, there's no thinking about how to word something precisely so the other person doesn't jump on the defensive. It just flows. And it's fun. And it feels great. It's an equal exchange.

It still surprises me a little when I'm talking about something important, and I look up at Nick, and he is looking at me, listening. And he responds. And asks questions to bring more out. We've laughed a ton, we've both even cried some. I feel safe talking to Nick. I feel like I could tell him anything. It's an amazing feeling. Even if things for some reason didn't work out with him, he's taught me what a relationship CAN be. And how good it feels, and how much I deserve to be in a relationship like we've experienced.

It may all sound a little fluffy and sweet to the guys reading my blog, so rest assured that Nick is all man. No bisexual stuff, no micropenis. He's not rugged, and likes for me to dress up and take me out. We've even been running and to the gym together! We're on par with so many things we like to do and our ways of thinking. It flows. It's awesome.

There's my update. Ha ha! Things are great and we're looking forward to our trip to Chicago next weekend. I should have some pictures when I get back!

DEEP Breaths!

Yikes.

Nick and I are going to Chicago in a few weeks! He's attending a conference there for work. He knew I've been wanting to go, so he asked his employer if SO's were okay to come, then told me to pack my bags!

We're staying right in the Loop, which is downtown. Mere BLOCKS from everything - Navy Pier, Shedd Aquarium, Millenium Park, the Art Institute... so while he's conventioning, I'll be exploring. Then we'll have evenings together. At Chicago blues clubs, at great restaurants... at the beautiful hotel... ha ha! I am so excited!

I've been wanting to go to Chicago for a while, just to check it out. Several people have told me I'd love it there. Now I get to be there with a wonderful man who is still knocking my socks off. Incredible.

By now you've probably clicked on my blog at least once and almost hurled at my sappy lovin' life posts. All I can say is, be happy for me (as I know you all are). I am so happy with my man and if I could recount all the sweet, awesome things he's done for me in the past week, you'd be hurling for sure. It's still so early, but I have never felt quite like THIS ever before.

Right now my life is filled with joy and laughter and the warm coziness that comes with emotionally sharing with someone amazing. I really don't know what else to write about.

~Update~

OMG. Well I am still deliriously happy with Nick. I have earned the nickname "Perma-Grin" at work. Ha ha! I seriously feel like I'm in high school.

The other night we met at the park to watch the sunset. Ahhh. Someone who values just chilling and talking, looking up at the stars. He brought me a green tea, because he knows I like it. Awww. We later swang on the swings then shot off some Roman candles. LOL. Fun.

Last night we went to the running store downtown so I could get new running shoes. My current pair has 327 miles on them, so it's time. They were out of my size, so they will call me when they come in. We walked downtown and had some dinner. Even though we've seen each other every day but one since Saturday, I actually felt a little nervous. Butterflies! YIKES! I look at him sometimes and I am just blown away by his looks and the way he looks at me, and his little grins. I get all extra girly and start fussing with my hair and looking up at him through my fallen bangs. Seriously. I feel 14.

We went back to his place down the street and watched Napoleon Dynamite. He also burned a copy for me so I can watch it whenever. Funny movie - some things really made me roll laughing. "I caught you a delicious bass". OMG. Made me so thankful I am out of that bass situation and with someone so amazing and thoughful and caring and sensitive. Okay, I am starting to gush. Ha ha!

I slept over at Nick H's place. We have not "consumated" the relationship yet, but we had a wonderful time just talking and snuggling. When I left, he had just gotten out of the shower, and just had a towel on. JESUS. It seriously makes me nervous and excited and happy and shaky sometimes when I look at him. He is my physical ideal for a man.

Tonight we're going to a music festival in Dover. I made him promise to dance like Napoleon while we're there. He probably will. Silly.

Oh, and he checked in with me to make sure we are on the same page, as far as feelings so far. I swear the heavens opened up and sang, "hallelujah!" when I heard this. We both agreed to take some deep breaths and enjoy ourselves without waiting for the "other shoe to drop". Things are going so well and we're so comfortable with each other, it is normal to think, "ok, what's the catch?" And there may be one later on, but for now, I am totally infatuated and digging him. Yay.

Nick and I Are Getting Married August 23rd - And You're Invited!

Ha ha just kidding! But I am utterly infatuated with this guy. He is physically every trait I find super handsome and attractive, he's funny, very affectionate, financially stable, NICE and oh so sweet.

This is all after date #3 (yes, another one tonight), so of course everything is always wonderful in the beginning, and I have no illusions that things won't change, even if it's just slightly. Or majorly. Who knows.

We've decided to be exclusive and not date other people. I'm still taking it slow with my own heart inside, but really enjoying all that comes with being with a really nice guy who also happens to be so f'ing hot I can't stand it. DAMN!

Good things do come to those who wait!

Another full day with the hot hot hotty! I'm tired, but I will have a full update soon. The lowdown is that he is a hot hot hotty, very nicely affectionate, considerate (little things that most men I've dated didn't pick up on), funny as hell and we share the same taste in music. I haven't been able to sing along with a dude in a long time. I'm digging him. Yay!

Oh and thanks, TSM for calling me out between songs about my hot hot hotty! Haha! I don't think he knew we were referring to him, so it's all good... and if he did, cool anyway. Someone should know they're on FIRE if they are. :-D