Happy Father's Day

Here is to all the fathers who love and support their children, who accept them the way they are and like them as people. I hope you all had an enjoyable day, dedicated to you.

I recently uncovered an unfortunate pattern in my life. I've been reading up on the Imago relationship theory. The basic idea is that we, as children, imprint on our minds traits and characteristics of our caretakers, both positive and negative. This imprint is known as the Imago (Latin for image). As we grow into adulthood, we subconsciously seek people who fit this image, and become very attracted to them. Now, this isn't as simple as, "My dad was a compulsive gambler, so I'm attracted to compulsive gamblers". That would be too simple and obvious. Anyone with half a brain could figure out that type of pattern, and if they wished to, change it. The Imago theory is deeper and stems from the subconscious.

I tried to look back at patterns in my failed important relationships. None of the men were at all alike. Rob was a Marine, sports fanatic, craved my constant attention and was generally shy in public. When were alone, he talked my ear off. He was very proud of my weight loss and was great support. He wanted to please me and did what he could do to make me happy.

Richard, on the other hand, was not especially talkative. After Rob, it was nice having SOME silence. Richard didn't talk just to talk. When he had something to say, he said it, and it was usually something that added value to our conversations. We spent many hours together just talking - sharing ideas and learning about each others culture. He was proud of me and protected me when we socialized. He continually made eye contact with me and I never felt alone - always connected. He always considered me in his plans and was interested in my opinions and thoughts. When this relationship ended, I was devastated.

Billy was loud, boisterous and had a need to assert himself in almost any situation, public or private. It was his smile and easy manner that initially attracted me to him. He made me laugh and introduced me to new things. I didn't see him often enough to uncover some of the lies that he seemed to be good at keeping me from.

None of the important men in my life seemed to have common traits. I couldn't find the pattern.

One commonality was the way two of them left. I felt abandoned by Richard and abandoned by Billy. Here were two men who claimed to love me, yet could leave me. And did. I started to feel very angry about this. How could they say they love me? Was that a lie? In both cases, they said the "L" word first. Richard told me he loved me before I was ready to say it back, and I waited until I was good darn ready before I said anything.

Then my sister called with family news. I became angry at what she told me. I had been feeling angry with Billy for a few days. Suddenly I was angry at my father. And then it struck me. My problem wasn't with Billy. Yeah, he's a fuck-up and doesn't want to acknowledge or change that, but that's not my issue. MY issue is with my father. I suddenly saw the pattern that was so elusive to me before. All I had to do was take my words of anger against Billy (and back then, Richard), and replace them with my dad.

How could HE do this to me? How can a father treat his own daughters like he has?
How do you love someone and abandon them? In my father's case, it was emotional abandonment at a critical developmental stage in my life. How does one believe they're loved if it's so frigging easy to be left? It's amazing I stll believe in love after being let down so many times.

I've dated all types. Military. Business executives. A doctor. Lawyer. Independent filmmaker. Accountant. A McDonald's employee. Car salesman. Graphic Designer. A lobster catcher. Black men, Latino men, Jewish, White, Caribbean men. And next on my list is a real estate developer from the seacoast and a Vice President of engineering closer to where I live. I've rolled the dice with my heart a few times and ended up with the same result. So what is WRONG?

I hadn't seen my dad since about 2001. Today, on Father's Day, as I drove to the gym, I passed him in his car. We were driving on the same street. He didn't see me, of course. I wonder if he would recognize me if he had. Not because I look much different, but because his mind is at such an advanced stage of alcoholism. He's been at a point of mental and physical breakdown for some years. I can only imagine where he's at now.

Seeing him today drove home to me that I need to finish the crap that my dad left me with. I'm angry that I'm left with the aftermath and that it has affected my relationships with men. I'm hoping that once I get a lot of this stuff worked out, I'll find myself attracted to a new Imago, one that is healthy and won't leave me with so much disappointment.