After what I thought was a mutually loving and forward moving relationship, things have come abruptly to an end. I was dumped. Over the phone.
I was issued an ultimatum. Either move in with Billy, or I'd be cut loose. If it's so easy to give up on our relationship and leave me, why on earth would I feel safe and uncomfortable moving in?
The house he lives in is being sold. The only thing I can figure is that he wants a roommate, not a girlfriend or partner. Since I'm not fitting the bill as a roommate, I was cut loose.
I'm angry that I was told I was loved, that I was important and that he saw a future with me. What can I think now besides that this was all lip service?
I've been learning how to express my anger rather than bottling it up. I've been punching my mattress, pretending it's Billy, screaming and crying. I scream, "How could you do this to me?!" most often. I wasn't anything special to him, obviously. I am actually surprised at the depth of my hurt. I had made myself vulnerable to him, thinking that we were on a path to emotional intimacy and sharing, and our love deepening. I was more open than ever, yet he reduced our relationship to being simply inconvenient.
I'm having a lot of trouble getting through my work day without crying. I try to escape into the ladies room to cry some, but at times I'm caught by surprise at my desk. Thoughts of our vacation to Florida creep in my mind. Mostly I think about sitting next to Billy in the bass boat as we drove around the lake. I felt so connected to him and special and loved. I guess that was all a lie.
Anyway, I guess it's time to move on again. I want more than a roommate. I want a devoted, caring, compassionate man who is truly interested in building a future with me. This wasn't it.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Posts
3 comments:
Sorry to hear about your relationship Becks.....hang in there...and remember you are a special woman and deserve to spend your lifetime with someone who (1) loves you for who you are just as much as you love them for who they are, (2)someone who respects your goals, needs, wants and desires and does everything possible to help you fufill every last one of them and (3) appreciates your loving and giving heart and inner and outer beauty. I know we haven't spoken much butI know how happy you were and can only imagine how you are hurting. I wish you the best. Going through an ugly divorce with someone who fell out of love with me after 11 yrs I know some of the feelings you are going through.....and none of them are fun or easy.....but you'll be o.k.....I know you will...and even though that is the last thing you want to hear right now.....it's true......it takes time......but you will be....
Thinking of you ;)
Ry
Thank you, Ryan. I really appreciate your kind words. You've always been such a darn good cheerleader! Minus the skirt. And pigatils. Except that one time...
Seriously, it feels good to have it reaffirmed that I am a special person with a ton to offer. Along with being extremely humble (hehe), I've always known this, but I felt my sense of self was slightly shaken. For a few reasons, my self esteem was somewhat affected through all this. Realizing this made me acknowledge that this was a destructive relationship and overall, I should be relieved and happy it's over.
Time to be found by a man who can love my soul and just love me for being me.
Thanks again, Ryno. ;)
When I think about you I always think about your "oven" set up and smile. You just need to get out some more pots and pans and a cookie sheet. I just hope you turned up the heat and burnt the last set of cookies in the oven to a crisp, then tossed em in the trash and brought it out to the curb!
Chin up Girl
~Big Hugs~
~Kristi
Post a Comment