Wow.
Nick picked me up at 2 pm. It's now 12:22 am and I'm just getting home. I'll have to tell the details later because I need to get to bed so he can pick me up at 9 am! We're heading to Newfound lake tomorrow with boat in tow - although there will be no fishing. Some grilling, chilling and plenty of kisses and affection.
Nick H. Damn.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Friday, August 11, 2006
I have a date with a Hot hot hottie!
Wow.
So I reconnected with this guy I went to high school with. We never spoke back then, he was 2 years ahead of me, and his younger brother was in my class. They were known as some of the best looking guys in school. Hot hot hotties.
So this attractive guy finds me online. Judging by his picture, he is physically right up my alley (ha, that sounded funny). Like attractive in the way that I had that visceral feeling in my gut that I wanted him, now. I may have let out a small groan. But then he had these two other pictures that looked a little... eh...
Being busy with the deal breaker dude and other interests, I dismissed him.
He found me again (about two months later) and told me I looked familiar. He tells me his name. I nearly fell over. Nick H. from high school. WOW. He looked a lot different, there was no way I would have known it was him if he hadn't told me. But it explained my gut feeling of instant attraction. This guy has been hot his whole life. I thought he was hot back then, but he definitely was not my "type", and we never ran in the same group.
A couple of hours of phone convo and we are set for a date on Saturday. For the first time in 5 or 6 years, I'm actually a little nervous for a date! I felt a little ego boost for a day, like, "Wow, I have a DATE with Nick H!" Yes, it's been 15 years since I last saw him, but that first picture looked very hot... the other two, well, I can only tell when I see him in person.
We'll be stopping in to the Auburn Pitts after lunch to toss some horseshoes and listen to the Rusty Cadillacs. The weather will be nice, my toenails will be sexily painted and I will have a hot hot hottie on my arm.
So I reconnected with this guy I went to high school with. We never spoke back then, he was 2 years ahead of me, and his younger brother was in my class. They were known as some of the best looking guys in school. Hot hot hotties.
So this attractive guy finds me online. Judging by his picture, he is physically right up my alley (ha, that sounded funny). Like attractive in the way that I had that visceral feeling in my gut that I wanted him, now. I may have let out a small groan. But then he had these two other pictures that looked a little... eh...
Being busy with the deal breaker dude and other interests, I dismissed him.
He found me again (about two months later) and told me I looked familiar. He tells me his name. I nearly fell over. Nick H. from high school. WOW. He looked a lot different, there was no way I would have known it was him if he hadn't told me. But it explained my gut feeling of instant attraction. This guy has been hot his whole life. I thought he was hot back then, but he definitely was not my "type", and we never ran in the same group.
A couple of hours of phone convo and we are set for a date on Saturday. For the first time in 5 or 6 years, I'm actually a little nervous for a date! I felt a little ego boost for a day, like, "Wow, I have a DATE with Nick H!" Yes, it's been 15 years since I last saw him, but that first picture looked very hot... the other two, well, I can only tell when I see him in person.
We'll be stopping in to the Auburn Pitts after lunch to toss some horseshoes and listen to the Rusty Cadillacs. The weather will be nice, my toenails will be sexily painted and I will have a hot hot hottie on my arm.
Friday, August 04, 2006
Your opinion, please.
Is it wrong to date brothers? Not at the same time and if it's unlikely they'll know I dated the other? Discuss.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Vacation Days!
I had 4 days off from work. Yay! On Thursday at lunchtime, I got over to the gym. I went to a spiritual Christian crusade at the Boston Garden that night, so I wanted to make sure I got in a good workout early. By the time I parked my car at the gym, I was already pretty sweaty. Luckily the air conditioning was right up to speed inside - what a relief!
My focus was chest and the dreaded (to most people, and used to be for me) gauntlet. The gauntlet is the nickname for the revolving stairs - not the cute little stairmaster where you pump your legs up and down - No, we are climbing actual stairs at whichever speed you choose. This is a picture of the actual model I use.
Most of the benches were already taken by the lunch time crew from CMC, which is across the street, so I moseyed over to the Smith machines to really push myself on incline bench. An example of what that looks like is below.
For the uninitiated, the Smith is basically a squat rack with safeties, so if you can't handle the weight, you can theoretically drop it and remain uninjured. The Smith has also caused injury to some, in that it prohibits most people from moving within a natural range of motion - you have to move how the bar moves.
As I adjusted my bench, I felt someone glancing at me. It's not entirely unusual at the gym, since I don't lift or work out like most women, so men, and sometimes women, watch to see what I'm doing.
I didn't pay any attention, and went about my chest workout. I noticed Glancer was squatting some very decent weight on the Smith next to me. He came over to ask to borrow a 45 lb plate. I had to yank my ear buds out to hear him, but as soon as I looked up, I smiled, as he was just my type. I didn't really think I have a type, but maybe I do, because Glancer fit it. Almost bald, goatee, nice eyes - and this one had an extra plus- very developed pectorals. I told him he could have just one, because I wasn't going that heavy today (a little gym humor).
You know when you feel like you're staring, but you don't realize it until it almost feels too late, then you ask yourself, "How long have I been staring at this man's pecs?" Yeah.
I went back to my workout, and he to his. I got over to the stepmill and did 20 minutes. I planned on 30 minutes, but I wanted to make some more contact with Glancer. I noticed him glancing around, maybe to see where I went?
I decided to work calves (completely unnecessary, but extra calf work for some extra body work later would be well worth it), which was in the area of his impressive leg workout. He glanced over again. I had the feeling he wanted to talk, but had no idea what to say. Here's where I come in.
Glancer finished a set of barbell presses and kind of walked around. I caught his eye and said, "Legs and delts day?" He said yeah, and I told him he had an impressive leg workout. He had a couple open patella knee braces on, the same exact ones I used to have to wear. I asked him what was up with the knees, and we talked overuse injuries for a few minutes. He introduced himself as Gary. I introduced myself, and he excused himself to perform his next set.
So I'm sitting on a machine, thinking, "Okay, I really shouldn't do more than one more set of these, and I can't really hang around much longer without looking awkward, so WTF?"
I finished as he was finishing his set, but he clearly had many more to go. I told him I was taking off, and we discussed our workout schedules. He's a lunch timer, and I'm usually at work then, so I told him we would probably never see each other again - HINT: ASK ME FOR MY NUMBER NOW, BECAUSE THIS IS IT!
Well, he didn't. So I turned and left. And thought, well, I held up my end of the friendly convo, and he didn't close the deal. So he has a girlfriend or is a lonely gym guy. I got in my car and thought back to his blue eyes, his attractive face, and the PECS. Then said, Fuck it, went home and got ready for my religious experience in Boston. Yes, I do think "fuck it" and "religious experience" fit fine in the same thought.
Thinking I would never see Glancer Gary again, I put him out of mind and got on with my weekend, which included the drive to the TD Banknorth Garden (or the Boston Garden as we all still call it), the spiritual experience, an early morning run the next day, a trip to my sister's and her family's NEW HOUSE in Bedford, some light work in the house to prep for painting, playing with my nephews in their new pool and generally celebrating their new home.
Tonight, Sunday, I had about 90 minutes before the gym closed. I put my hair up, changed my shirt and headed over. Back and biceps needed to be done.
I noticed a lot of fine young men in the gym tonight. No one really stood out, but they were nice to look at and it was nice to get some glances.
As I stood bent over at the waist in front of the mirror, doing dumbbell bent over rows, I glanced up and saw Gary Glancer walking back from the water fountain. Well, well.
I decided to basically ignore him, since he made no move to close the last time I saw him. If he got home Thursday and kicked himself for not asking for my number, here was his chance to make good and get my digits. Of course, I needed to make sure he saw me. I was, after all, bent over with my weights.
Now, I really DID have to go over to his area to finish my back workout. The lat pulldowns were taken earlier, so I got biceps done first, and now I needed to head over to Gary Glancer's area. He was at a Smith machine again, this time with a spotter. I cracked my own joke in my head about not needing a spotter on a Smith, then got to work on further developing my latissimus dorsi.
The fine young men were still in that area, and were still glancing every now and then, so I knew Gary would take notice eventually. I purposely positioned myself where he would have to come out from the squat rack to see me. He came over during my second set and said, "Hi Becky". I looked up, and I'm pretty sure I accurately conveyed a look of surprise. He was even better looking than I remembered. I said, "Hi. Looks like we DID see each other again - and on a Sunday night!" He explained how he was behind on his workouts that week, and I made extra sure not to stare. I nodded, not wanting to seem excited or enthusiastic (I find this sometimes makes the other person start to act enthusiastically, sort of to fill in the void - try it, it works on a lot of people). He said something to the effect of, "well, see ya", and I went back to lifting. He got a sip of water, and as he walked back, I was up spraying cleaner on a paper towel to wipe down my bench. I watched him watch me walk back to my bench, and I could have sworn I heard him kicking himself right then. Or maybe it was my ego kicking around thoughts of unfulfilled "workouts" with Gary.
But no matter. He clearly has a girlfriend, as the convo has only been about workouts. Although I don't find too many men talk to women about workouts unless they're using it as an opening line. But fuck it. I know dude has the sack to ask me for my number, and I'd rather he didn't if he is currently involved. My thought is he might be on his way out of a relationship and is being friendly to anyone who looks interesting, just in case. No harm in that. Never hurts to have a few pots simmering on the back burners in case your main entree in the oven burns.
So I've gone back to supermarket flirting, even since the marinated meats failure. The supermarket is such an innocent place. A cute cashier with braces flirted with me this morning, and even though he was clearly under age, he had the quickness and wit to match me quip for quip. Not many people can do that, and enjoy it. He'll be a fine player in the game when he grows some facial hair.
I ended up at a different supermarket again tonight, after the gym. Not much is going to keep me away from Hood New England Creamery light mint chocolate chip ice cream at $1.49 with a $1 off coupon. That's $0.49 for a half gallon for all you math wizards.
This particular supermarket isn't in the best neighborhood, and I caught a few men doing more than a little glancing. One was a redhead, in the cracker aisle. Now what was I doing in the cracker aisle? A lot of you know me not to eat such things, but I wanted to maybe make a really low calorie cheesecake-like tasting concoction. I got some sugar/fat free cheesecake flavored instant pudding mix, some Calorie Countdown skim milk, then I was considering crumbling a few low fat graham crackers over it, to resemble a crust. Yes, I can get creative when it comes to satisfying a craving without going off the deep end.
So I was comparing two boxes of graham crackers when I felt a glance. Ah, a redhead. Never had a redhead, I thought to myself. Yes, a dirty thought, but it's summer, I'm single, and craving something sweet, so give me a break!
I decided against the crackers, because I knew I could do all I could to crumble a few on top of the pudding, but then I'd have the rest of the box to contend with, and they were too high in calories to have just sitting around my apartment waiting for me to have a nibble attack.
I walked away and into produce. Nothing caught my eye, so as I rounded the corner, there was redhead, totally pretending to be interested in some strawberries or something, but had clearly followed me. At this point I got a little cocky and walked to the other end of the store, thinking, "yeah, follow me now, bitch". Ha ha! Okay, I didn't say or think "bitch" at the time, but it seems funny now. He didn't follow me, so after a bit of hassle in the self scan "express" lane, I went home to try out the ice cream. To rate it, if I had four thumbs to put up, they'd be up. But neither Gary Glancer nor Redhead followed through enough to be the other two thumbs with mine, spooning mint ice cream in air conditioned condo splendor.
Maybe next weekend.
My focus was chest and the dreaded (to most people, and used to be for me) gauntlet. The gauntlet is the nickname for the revolving stairs - not the cute little stairmaster where you pump your legs up and down - No, we are climbing actual stairs at whichever speed you choose. This is a picture of the actual model I use.
Most of the benches were already taken by the lunch time crew from CMC, which is across the street, so I moseyed over to the Smith machines to really push myself on incline bench. An example of what that looks like is below.
For the uninitiated, the Smith is basically a squat rack with safeties, so if you can't handle the weight, you can theoretically drop it and remain uninjured. The Smith has also caused injury to some, in that it prohibits most people from moving within a natural range of motion - you have to move how the bar moves.
As I adjusted my bench, I felt someone glancing at me. It's not entirely unusual at the gym, since I don't lift or work out like most women, so men, and sometimes women, watch to see what I'm doing.
I didn't pay any attention, and went about my chest workout. I noticed Glancer was squatting some very decent weight on the Smith next to me. He came over to ask to borrow a 45 lb plate. I had to yank my ear buds out to hear him, but as soon as I looked up, I smiled, as he was just my type. I didn't really think I have a type, but maybe I do, because Glancer fit it. Almost bald, goatee, nice eyes - and this one had an extra plus- very developed pectorals. I told him he could have just one, because I wasn't going that heavy today (a little gym humor).
You know when you feel like you're staring, but you don't realize it until it almost feels too late, then you ask yourself, "How long have I been staring at this man's pecs?" Yeah.
I went back to my workout, and he to his. I got over to the stepmill and did 20 minutes. I planned on 30 minutes, but I wanted to make some more contact with Glancer. I noticed him glancing around, maybe to see where I went?
I decided to work calves (completely unnecessary, but extra calf work for some extra body work later would be well worth it), which was in the area of his impressive leg workout. He glanced over again. I had the feeling he wanted to talk, but had no idea what to say. Here's where I come in.
Glancer finished a set of barbell presses and kind of walked around. I caught his eye and said, "Legs and delts day?" He said yeah, and I told him he had an impressive leg workout. He had a couple open patella knee braces on, the same exact ones I used to have to wear. I asked him what was up with the knees, and we talked overuse injuries for a few minutes. He introduced himself as Gary. I introduced myself, and he excused himself to perform his next set.
So I'm sitting on a machine, thinking, "Okay, I really shouldn't do more than one more set of these, and I can't really hang around much longer without looking awkward, so WTF?"
I finished as he was finishing his set, but he clearly had many more to go. I told him I was taking off, and we discussed our workout schedules. He's a lunch timer, and I'm usually at work then, so I told him we would probably never see each other again - HINT: ASK ME FOR MY NUMBER NOW, BECAUSE THIS IS IT!
Well, he didn't. So I turned and left. And thought, well, I held up my end of the friendly convo, and he didn't close the deal. So he has a girlfriend or is a lonely gym guy. I got in my car and thought back to his blue eyes, his attractive face, and the PECS. Then said, Fuck it, went home and got ready for my religious experience in Boston. Yes, I do think "fuck it" and "religious experience" fit fine in the same thought.
Thinking I would never see Glancer Gary again, I put him out of mind and got on with my weekend, which included the drive to the TD Banknorth Garden (or the Boston Garden as we all still call it), the spiritual experience, an early morning run the next day, a trip to my sister's and her family's NEW HOUSE in Bedford, some light work in the house to prep for painting, playing with my nephews in their new pool and generally celebrating their new home.
Tonight, Sunday, I had about 90 minutes before the gym closed. I put my hair up, changed my shirt and headed over. Back and biceps needed to be done.
I noticed a lot of fine young men in the gym tonight. No one really stood out, but they were nice to look at and it was nice to get some glances.
As I stood bent over at the waist in front of the mirror, doing dumbbell bent over rows, I glanced up and saw Gary Glancer walking back from the water fountain. Well, well.
I decided to basically ignore him, since he made no move to close the last time I saw him. If he got home Thursday and kicked himself for not asking for my number, here was his chance to make good and get my digits. Of course, I needed to make sure he saw me. I was, after all, bent over with my weights.
Now, I really DID have to go over to his area to finish my back workout. The lat pulldowns were taken earlier, so I got biceps done first, and now I needed to head over to Gary Glancer's area. He was at a Smith machine again, this time with a spotter. I cracked my own joke in my head about not needing a spotter on a Smith, then got to work on further developing my latissimus dorsi.
The fine young men were still in that area, and were still glancing every now and then, so I knew Gary would take notice eventually. I purposely positioned myself where he would have to come out from the squat rack to see me. He came over during my second set and said, "Hi Becky". I looked up, and I'm pretty sure I accurately conveyed a look of surprise. He was even better looking than I remembered. I said, "Hi. Looks like we DID see each other again - and on a Sunday night!" He explained how he was behind on his workouts that week, and I made extra sure not to stare. I nodded, not wanting to seem excited or enthusiastic (I find this sometimes makes the other person start to act enthusiastically, sort of to fill in the void - try it, it works on a lot of people). He said something to the effect of, "well, see ya", and I went back to lifting. He got a sip of water, and as he walked back, I was up spraying cleaner on a paper towel to wipe down my bench. I watched him watch me walk back to my bench, and I could have sworn I heard him kicking himself right then. Or maybe it was my ego kicking around thoughts of unfulfilled "workouts" with Gary.
But no matter. He clearly has a girlfriend, as the convo has only been about workouts. Although I don't find too many men talk to women about workouts unless they're using it as an opening line. But fuck it. I know dude has the sack to ask me for my number, and I'd rather he didn't if he is currently involved. My thought is he might be on his way out of a relationship and is being friendly to anyone who looks interesting, just in case. No harm in that. Never hurts to have a few pots simmering on the back burners in case your main entree in the oven burns.
So I've gone back to supermarket flirting, even since the marinated meats failure. The supermarket is such an innocent place. A cute cashier with braces flirted with me this morning, and even though he was clearly under age, he had the quickness and wit to match me quip for quip. Not many people can do that, and enjoy it. He'll be a fine player in the game when he grows some facial hair.
I ended up at a different supermarket again tonight, after the gym. Not much is going to keep me away from Hood New England Creamery light mint chocolate chip ice cream at $1.49 with a $1 off coupon. That's $0.49 for a half gallon for all you math wizards.
This particular supermarket isn't in the best neighborhood, and I caught a few men doing more than a little glancing. One was a redhead, in the cracker aisle. Now what was I doing in the cracker aisle? A lot of you know me not to eat such things, but I wanted to maybe make a really low calorie cheesecake-like tasting concoction. I got some sugar/fat free cheesecake flavored instant pudding mix, some Calorie Countdown skim milk, then I was considering crumbling a few low fat graham crackers over it, to resemble a crust. Yes, I can get creative when it comes to satisfying a craving without going off the deep end.
So I was comparing two boxes of graham crackers when I felt a glance. Ah, a redhead. Never had a redhead, I thought to myself. Yes, a dirty thought, but it's summer, I'm single, and craving something sweet, so give me a break!
I decided against the crackers, because I knew I could do all I could to crumble a few on top of the pudding, but then I'd have the rest of the box to contend with, and they were too high in calories to have just sitting around my apartment waiting for me to have a nibble attack.
I walked away and into produce. Nothing caught my eye, so as I rounded the corner, there was redhead, totally pretending to be interested in some strawberries or something, but had clearly followed me. At this point I got a little cocky and walked to the other end of the store, thinking, "yeah, follow me now, bitch". Ha ha! Okay, I didn't say or think "bitch" at the time, but it seems funny now. He didn't follow me, so after a bit of hassle in the self scan "express" lane, I went home to try out the ice cream. To rate it, if I had four thumbs to put up, they'd be up. But neither Gary Glancer nor Redhead followed through enough to be the other two thumbs with mine, spooning mint ice cream in air conditioned condo splendor.
Maybe next weekend.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Not a family friendly post.
Family members may want to skip this post. :-)
So although the little black book is closed forever, I have been tempted. Now, no one from that black book is anywhere close to being current boyfriend material. But there's like, two who could possibly meet other needs. One recently contacted me and I have to admit, I was tempted.
The other is someone who filled another position other than "boyfriend" for a few years. He wasn't qualified for the boyfriend position, but he proved himself very capable in another "position". He has not contacted me, but I've been getting some psychic vibes, so I may be on his mind. I can't entertain the thought of revisiting that scenario, because things got extremely emotional and messy at the end, on his side. I really don't need a replay of a man crying on my bedroom floor wondering why he can't have the promotion, when I had told him over and over that there really wasn't even a job opening in that position (there was, but he was highly unqualified).
Still, I know if he were to call, it would take some strength to just say no. Everyone has that one person they think back to that just rocked their world and made them feel for even just a few hours, that they were the most gorgeous creature on the face of the earth. Now if only I could find that in a man who is also capable of filling the main position of boyfriend!
What's kind of funny is one similarity between these two men. They're both bald and the main reason I was attracted to the one who just recently contacted me was because he looked kind of similar to the other in a certain position. It's the main reason I stuck around the more recent one. Man, am I a dude, or what.
I'm feeling a new one out (not Phil), but I'm not sure if this is something I should continue. I would really like to hold out for a great guy who can fulfill all of my needs, but to be realistic, I have no idea how long that will be. Maybe I will just let things happen instead of trying to make them happen. I really hate being in such a passive position, but it's probably time to try something new.
So although the little black book is closed forever, I have been tempted. Now, no one from that black book is anywhere close to being current boyfriend material. But there's like, two who could possibly meet other needs. One recently contacted me and I have to admit, I was tempted.
The other is someone who filled another position other than "boyfriend" for a few years. He wasn't qualified for the boyfriend position, but he proved himself very capable in another "position". He has not contacted me, but I've been getting some psychic vibes, so I may be on his mind. I can't entertain the thought of revisiting that scenario, because things got extremely emotional and messy at the end, on his side. I really don't need a replay of a man crying on my bedroom floor wondering why he can't have the promotion, when I had told him over and over that there really wasn't even a job opening in that position (there was, but he was highly unqualified).
Still, I know if he were to call, it would take some strength to just say no. Everyone has that one person they think back to that just rocked their world and made them feel for even just a few hours, that they were the most gorgeous creature on the face of the earth. Now if only I could find that in a man who is also capable of filling the main position of boyfriend!
What's kind of funny is one similarity between these two men. They're both bald and the main reason I was attracted to the one who just recently contacted me was because he looked kind of similar to the other in a certain position. It's the main reason I stuck around the more recent one. Man, am I a dude, or what.
I'm feeling a new one out (not Phil), but I'm not sure if this is something I should continue. I would really like to hold out for a great guy who can fulfill all of my needs, but to be realistic, I have no idea how long that will be. Maybe I will just let things happen instead of trying to make them happen. I really hate being in such a passive position, but it's probably time to try something new.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Out and About
Can you spot TSM?
Last Friday we all had a great time at Jillian's, out on the deck listening to the Rusty Cadillacs. I made the acquaintance of a very fucked up man in his 50's who asked me to go to his car with him to do some "inhalants". When I told him I wasn't down, he said he had some Bacardi 151 and diet orange soda in his trunk, and the soda, coincidentally, matched my sweater. My very nice sweater, covering my very nice arm. I let Curtis buy me a drink, as he was also a "friend of the band" and my 4 oz. Captain and diet coke was quickly dwindling. Plus no one had shown up yet (pharmacy issues), so I allowed Curtis to entertain me until they did.
The band sounded awesome and it was great being outside on a warm Friday night. They've been asked to return to Jillian's, as it was clear everyone had a great time.
Luckily, my night of newcomers didn't end with Curtis. What's funny is that I even have a pic of Phil, before we met. He's on the right in the baseball cap, and I'm at the table to the right in the diet orange soda colored sweater.
See, I danced with this crackhead (didn't catch his name). He was kind of a mess and did the air guitar and kept inching towards me... but I'll dance with anyone who has the balls to ask, and especially on a night when the Rusty Cadillacs are playing. I like to show my support and have the management see people dancing and having a good time.
I ended the dance before the song was over, thanked him and went back to the table. I got up a few minutes later to visit the ladies room, and Phil walked inside with me. He complimented me on dancing with the crackhead, and I told him I'll dance with anyone with the balls to ask. Phil mentioned that the crackhead was either wasted or had huge balls to approach me at a table with 4 guys.
Now, I didn't realize that was the case, but it was. As far as I was concerned, I was sitting with my friends and co-workers, having a great time. I didn't realize how it might appear to an outsider looking in.
When I returned to the table, crackhead asked me twice more to dance with him. I smiled and waved him off, feigning sore feet. The heels were pretty high and strappy, but my feet weren't tired in the least!
After the second time crackhead asked, Phil looked over at me like he felt sorry for me. I walked over and asked if he would pretend to be my boyfriend for a little while so crackhead would leave me alone. He didn't say anything, he just grabbed the closest chair and placed it next to him. He said he could feel crackhead's stare piercing the back of his head.
Phil and I talked for a while, and we have quite a bit in common... except a bit of an age difference. Phil is 25. But Phil makes me laugh and likes to see live music, even blues, so he can come along for my ride for a while.
We went out to breakfast with Phil's friend Chris after closing down Jillian's. PAL1 came with us, and I was glad. Granted we all had separate cars, but these were strangers to me. Over breakfast, the boys explained "man law" to me. And how my sweet potato fries were a violation of man law. Whatever.
Phil has three older sisters, and I know one of them. We worked together doing physician credentialing at CIGNA HealthCare. She wasn't exactly my favorite person, and I'm curious what she'll have to tell Phil about me.
Hopefully this week will include some more time with Phil or a random dude I pick up at the supermarket - which I tried last week in the marinated meats... but he wasn't interested in being marinated in special Becky sauce - eww... I didn't mean it like THAT, sickie!
Since I know blogs are much more interesting to read when they have pictures, here is one of PAL1 and me dancing in the corner to the Rusty Cadillacs at Chen Yang Li. This was before I bought myself some jeans that hug my ass, so I've got a saggy ass jean look going on. My hair is longer in the back than I thought, though, so that's a positive, and the ass is tightly hugged now, thank you very much!
Last Friday we all had a great time at Jillian's, out on the deck listening to the Rusty Cadillacs. I made the acquaintance of a very fucked up man in his 50's who asked me to go to his car with him to do some "inhalants". When I told him I wasn't down, he said he had some Bacardi 151 and diet orange soda in his trunk, and the soda, coincidentally, matched my sweater. My very nice sweater, covering my very nice arm. I let Curtis buy me a drink, as he was also a "friend of the band" and my 4 oz. Captain and diet coke was quickly dwindling. Plus no one had shown up yet (pharmacy issues), so I allowed Curtis to entertain me until they did.
The band sounded awesome and it was great being outside on a warm Friday night. They've been asked to return to Jillian's, as it was clear everyone had a great time.
Luckily, my night of newcomers didn't end with Curtis. What's funny is that I even have a pic of Phil, before we met. He's on the right in the baseball cap, and I'm at the table to the right in the diet orange soda colored sweater.
See, I danced with this crackhead (didn't catch his name). He was kind of a mess and did the air guitar and kept inching towards me... but I'll dance with anyone who has the balls to ask, and especially on a night when the Rusty Cadillacs are playing. I like to show my support and have the management see people dancing and having a good time.
I ended the dance before the song was over, thanked him and went back to the table. I got up a few minutes later to visit the ladies room, and Phil walked inside with me. He complimented me on dancing with the crackhead, and I told him I'll dance with anyone with the balls to ask. Phil mentioned that the crackhead was either wasted or had huge balls to approach me at a table with 4 guys.
Now, I didn't realize that was the case, but it was. As far as I was concerned, I was sitting with my friends and co-workers, having a great time. I didn't realize how it might appear to an outsider looking in.
When I returned to the table, crackhead asked me twice more to dance with him. I smiled and waved him off, feigning sore feet. The heels were pretty high and strappy, but my feet weren't tired in the least!
After the second time crackhead asked, Phil looked over at me like he felt sorry for me. I walked over and asked if he would pretend to be my boyfriend for a little while so crackhead would leave me alone. He didn't say anything, he just grabbed the closest chair and placed it next to him. He said he could feel crackhead's stare piercing the back of his head.
Phil and I talked for a while, and we have quite a bit in common... except a bit of an age difference. Phil is 25. But Phil makes me laugh and likes to see live music, even blues, so he can come along for my ride for a while.
We went out to breakfast with Phil's friend Chris after closing down Jillian's. PAL1 came with us, and I was glad. Granted we all had separate cars, but these were strangers to me. Over breakfast, the boys explained "man law" to me. And how my sweet potato fries were a violation of man law. Whatever.
Phil has three older sisters, and I know one of them. We worked together doing physician credentialing at CIGNA HealthCare. She wasn't exactly my favorite person, and I'm curious what she'll have to tell Phil about me.
Hopefully this week will include some more time with Phil or a random dude I pick up at the supermarket - which I tried last week in the marinated meats... but he wasn't interested in being marinated in special Becky sauce - eww... I didn't mean it like THAT, sickie!
Since I know blogs are much more interesting to read when they have pictures, here is one of PAL1 and me dancing in the corner to the Rusty Cadillacs at Chen Yang Li. This was before I bought myself some jeans that hug my ass, so I've got a saggy ass jean look going on. My hair is longer in the back than I thought, though, so that's a positive, and the ass is tightly hugged now, thank you very much!
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Ok, that was fun.
I had a lot of fun at the Uptown! I'm a little surprised! I don't think I even saw any bikers, but there was a hand written sign as we walked in welcoming them. I'm still glad I wore my "biker chick" outfit.
We went upstairs and I was pleasantly surprised that they still played some hip hop from when I was in the prime of my clubbing days. Man, some of those songs make it impossible to stand still. DMX's Up in Here, Monifa's Touch It, J. Lo and Ja Rule's I'm real. And some kind of new, like Lil Kim's Put Your Lighters Up and some really old mainstream reggae. It felt really good to shake my ass a little and FEEL that music, the music that beats within me. Some people don't get or like hip hop, and that's cool. I can't FEEL rock, or alternative music. I FEEL a bass rhythm inside me and it makes me move involuntarily. It feels good and natural to me. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy being completely free and single and not have to worry about anyone else there. I could do my thing and be 100% me.
We didn't realize that in addition to Kristi's going away party, it was also Kristi's birthday. A few of her friends came and danced and sang karaoke.
KAP, PAL1 and I alternated between the DJ dancing upstairs with the live band Toast downstairs. I actually liked them quite a bit. The did some Phish covers but also have their own material. Back upstairs, we were all sitting at a table, and one of the cute shot girls came over. She told me someone bought me TWO shots. As if I'm going to down two shots. I had one drink all night and that was going to be it. I gave them to PAL1 and KAP, asked the girl who bought them, and went over to thank him.
Damien is a 23 year old from Weare. Where? Yeah, Weare. He said he liked my smile and that I seemed cool. I had to break it to young Damien how old I am. He was a little taken aback. Then he said his stepmom is 28. Great.
I told Damien that I'm at a place in my life where I'm looking for something serious and long term. He pulled back and said, "Me too!" Ha ha. Weren't we all back then? He probably won't know until he's 31 what the difference actually is.
We all gave Kristi big hugs when she and her man left. They have a lot more packing to do before they leave for Indiana. We'll miss her, but she seems very happy with him. Follow your heart, girl.
Next Friday looks like outdoor drinks and dancing to our favorite local band, The Rusty Cadillacs, at Jillian's. Come out, should be a good time!
This Sunday (July 2), our friend Adam will be the DJ on Rock 101 WGIR from 10 am - 3 pm. Give him a call and show your support!
"Don't mess with me, I'm a biker chick. Grrr."
"Okay, I'm not a biker chick, but you can buy me a drink!"
We went upstairs and I was pleasantly surprised that they still played some hip hop from when I was in the prime of my clubbing days. Man, some of those songs make it impossible to stand still. DMX's Up in Here, Monifa's Touch It, J. Lo and Ja Rule's I'm real. And some kind of new, like Lil Kim's Put Your Lighters Up and some really old mainstream reggae. It felt really good to shake my ass a little and FEEL that music, the music that beats within me. Some people don't get or like hip hop, and that's cool. I can't FEEL rock, or alternative music. I FEEL a bass rhythm inside me and it makes me move involuntarily. It feels good and natural to me. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy being completely free and single and not have to worry about anyone else there. I could do my thing and be 100% me.
We didn't realize that in addition to Kristi's going away party, it was also Kristi's birthday. A few of her friends came and danced and sang karaoke.
KAP, PAL1 and I alternated between the DJ dancing upstairs with the live band Toast downstairs. I actually liked them quite a bit. The did some Phish covers but also have their own material. Back upstairs, we were all sitting at a table, and one of the cute shot girls came over. She told me someone bought me TWO shots. As if I'm going to down two shots. I had one drink all night and that was going to be it. I gave them to PAL1 and KAP, asked the girl who bought them, and went over to thank him.
Damien is a 23 year old from Weare. Where? Yeah, Weare. He said he liked my smile and that I seemed cool. I had to break it to young Damien how old I am. He was a little taken aback. Then he said his stepmom is 28. Great.
I told Damien that I'm at a place in my life where I'm looking for something serious and long term. He pulled back and said, "Me too!" Ha ha. Weren't we all back then? He probably won't know until he's 31 what the difference actually is.
We all gave Kristi big hugs when she and her man left. They have a lot more packing to do before they leave for Indiana. We'll miss her, but she seems very happy with him. Follow your heart, girl.
Next Friday looks like outdoor drinks and dancing to our favorite local band, The Rusty Cadillacs, at Jillian's. Come out, should be a good time!
This Sunday (July 2), our friend Adam will be the DJ on Rock 101 WGIR from 10 am - 3 pm. Give him a call and show your support!
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Goodbye Kristi!
Kristi from the pharmacy is leaving us to go live with her BOYFRIEND in Indiana! Part of me says, "Damn, that girl is crazy" and another part says, "Damn, that girl has guts". Big risk = Big payoff? Hopefully!
Kristi's going away party is at the Uptown Tavern Friday night in beautiful downtown ManchVegas.
I've been there one time.
I will return for Kristi's party! KAP and I plan to walk in together so we won't be too afraid. It's kind of a biker bar... I won't describe it too much further until after I go tomorrow. Maybe it's different now!
Aside from Kristi leaving us, the next most important item on my agenda was, "What will I wear to such an event?" Let's say I think (or hope) I've got the biker chick look covered.
Toast will be performing tomorrow. The two tracks on their page sound decent. Last I remember there was some hip hop upstairs? I hope so! I haven't been out shaking it in a LONG time.
Kristi, we will miss your smiling face and impromptu massages! We know you'll be back to visit, so stay in touch! See you tomorrow ;-)
Kristi's going away party is at the Uptown Tavern Friday night in beautiful downtown ManchVegas.
I've been there one time.
I will return for Kristi's party! KAP and I plan to walk in together so we won't be too afraid. It's kind of a biker bar... I won't describe it too much further until after I go tomorrow. Maybe it's different now!
Aside from Kristi leaving us, the next most important item on my agenda was, "What will I wear to such an event?" Let's say I think (or hope) I've got the biker chick look covered.
Toast will be performing tomorrow. The two tracks on their page sound decent. Last I remember there was some hip hop upstairs? I hope so! I haven't been out shaking it in a LONG time.
Kristi, we will miss your smiling face and impromptu massages! We know you'll be back to visit, so stay in touch! See you tomorrow ;-)
Monday, June 26, 2006
Recent Date Results
Sunday I met David from the seacoast. We met at this little place in Exeter called Loaf and Ladle, which I highly recommend. The Iberian chicken stew was to die for. David and I had very little to no chemistry, but later, as we walked along the Exeter River, we found we had some things in common, and I realized that David and I could be true friends someday. I think he also picked up that vibe, and he even called me on my new cell phone (yes, you read that right) as I drove home to tell me he thought we met for a reason, but more on a friendly term than romantic. So that was cool.
Tonight I went out with John again. The engineering co-founder dude. I met him at the company so he could show me his machine (ha ha). I wasn't very interested, but it's partially his invention, he has patents on a some stuff, and they make a profit. He showed me "geek heaven", the R & D center of his company, and he was pretty excited. He had a nice gift for me in his office, a bottle of Penfolds Bin 389 Cabernet Shiraz, vintage 2002.
We walked next door to the old Hannah Jack Tavern, which is now a Common Man restaurant. I had a nice meal. He chose the wine to complement my food, and we talked more about this and that. One thing John is very good at is planning dates. He asked me if I was free this weekend, because he would like to take me to the Museum of Fine Arts, Boston, and then to this restaurant called Elephant Walk. Supposedly, it's one of Ben Affleck's favorite Boston restaurants. But he said he chose it because it is Cambodian/French cuisine and I like to try new ethnic foods. Hallelujah. Someone gets it.
He asked me specific questions about kids, what I wanted for my future, etc. I told him I didn't want kids, I pictured a marriage with love, devotion, and also throwing parties and going on vacations, and enjoying each other. He seemed relieved and told me it sounded perfect, and by the way, he had a vasectomy. I gave him the thumbs up as I poked through my chicken and portabella mushroom salad. So at least we wanted the same thing. However. During dinner, John got comfortable, took my foot under the table, started massaging it, and told me something fairly disturbing. It was kind of a deal breaker. The kind that made me say in my mind, "Well, that's not surprising (due to my dating experience). Maybe you should stop touching me now."
So we walked back to my car, I got my bottle of wine that I will share with another man sometime down the road, came home and replied to more emails from the personals website I am now on. I'm just not in the mood to waste time. Would I love to go to the MFA this weekend? Yes. Would I love to try this restaurant in Boston? Absolutely. Is it worth me spending the day with someone I don't want a future with? Definitely not.
I'm getting up early tomorrow for a run. I'm looking forward to that much more than anything else right now. But the weekend is still far away!
Updates to follow as warranted.
Tonight I went out with John again. The engineering co-founder dude. I met him at the company so he could show me his machine (ha ha). I wasn't very interested, but it's partially his invention, he has patents on a some stuff, and they make a profit. He showed me "geek heaven", the R & D center of his company, and he was pretty excited. He had a nice gift for me in his office, a bottle of Penfolds Bin 389 Cabernet Shiraz, vintage 2002.
We walked next door to the old Hannah Jack Tavern, which is now a Common Man restaurant. I had a nice meal. He chose the wine to complement my food, and we talked more about this and that. One thing John is very good at is planning dates. He asked me if I was free this weekend, because he would like to take me to the Museum of Fine Arts, Boston, and then to this restaurant called Elephant Walk. Supposedly, it's one of Ben Affleck's favorite Boston restaurants. But he said he chose it because it is Cambodian/French cuisine and I like to try new ethnic foods. Hallelujah. Someone gets it.
He asked me specific questions about kids, what I wanted for my future, etc. I told him I didn't want kids, I pictured a marriage with love, devotion, and also throwing parties and going on vacations, and enjoying each other. He seemed relieved and told me it sounded perfect, and by the way, he had a vasectomy. I gave him the thumbs up as I poked through my chicken and portabella mushroom salad. So at least we wanted the same thing. However. During dinner, John got comfortable, took my foot under the table, started massaging it, and told me something fairly disturbing. It was kind of a deal breaker. The kind that made me say in my mind, "Well, that's not surprising (due to my dating experience). Maybe you should stop touching me now."
So we walked back to my car, I got my bottle of wine that I will share with another man sometime down the road, came home and replied to more emails from the personals website I am now on. I'm just not in the mood to waste time. Would I love to go to the MFA this weekend? Yes. Would I love to try this restaurant in Boston? Absolutely. Is it worth me spending the day with someone I don't want a future with? Definitely not.
I'm getting up early tomorrow for a run. I'm looking forward to that much more than anything else right now. But the weekend is still far away!
Updates to follow as warranted.
Friday, June 23, 2006
The Men, the men, the men!
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Thursday's coming, and I'm thinking of you.
Maybe we'll share a sammie made of pulled pig,
or perhaps some chicken as we check out KC's gig.
I know it will be fun 'cause bbq just can't be wrong,
and like our boy Lyle, I just might sing you a song.
Ah, maybe not, my sing'n isn't really all that great.
Either way I hope you're look'n forward to our date.
('cause i am)
I received that poem before my date with John last night. He threatened to dress like Lyle Lovett, so that's the Lyle reference.
It's sad to have to say this, but I so much enjoyed just sitting and talking to someone who also wanted to hear what I had to say. He asked me lots of questions and asked for my opinion on a work situation he was negotiating. He's the vice president of engineering and co-founder of his company, so I'm not sure how much I had to add, but it felt good to be asked.
We found an old antique car show close to the KC's Rib Shack. I had to take a peek before it got too dark. There were some interesting cars, but one really blew me away. It was a 1947 Chevy 2 door convertible. I looked inside and was a little surprised to see a small bench seat. Now, I know there were no bucket seats back then, but I was suprised at the length. People were smaller (thinner) then, but I also thought how romantic it might be to basically be forced to sit so close.
From there we dined on pulled pork, dry rub chicken, cornbread, applesauce, onion rings and cole slaw. It was quite a feast. I invited him to sit on the same side of the table with me, as I sometimes like to do, and we talked for a long time. We actually shut the place down.
We moved over to Unwined and had a glass of wine each. We talked about all sorts of things. He gave me three sunflowers and a little kiss at my car. It was a nice time.
Now, although it was nice and I will definitely see him again, I have another date this weekend that I am still very much looking forward to. David and I seemed to connect a little deeper right off the bat - not to say John and I won't, but it was easier and faster with David. The way he came about his current career is inspiring. He's a real estate developer who's doing good work and at the same time making a profit. He seems to have a balance of knowing the good life, and appreciating it, as well as enjoying getting dirty (like in the dirt sense, not the frisky sense - yet).
I never used to have a problem dating a few men at once, but it's a bit of a challenge for me right now, mostly due to time constraints, I think. I may add a third into the mix (a very persistent Scorpio with a Harley from Kittery, Maine), but not until after this weekend.
Hope you all enjoy the weekend. I'll be working! And dating!
Monday, June 19, 2006
Boiled lobster and pulled pork
Yesterday I ceremoniously and officially said good bye to the spineless Billy by submerging two live lobsters into boiling water. The lobsters, are of course, symbolic in that they provide part of his livelihood. The submerging and ultimate killing of the lobsters was a good way to end things in my mind. I no longer have room for weak, lying, selfish men in my life.
This Thursday evening, I will be dining on pulled pork and other southern barbecue with a new friend. John is from the mid-Atlantic and appreciates good barbecue. He also asks me questions about myself and listens to my answers. He doesn't let me get away with asking a question and not answering it myself. Of course, this is all preliminary courtship stuff and may fall by the wayside in a few short months. I'll know to keep a sharp eye early on for any selfish or one sided behavior. This will no longer be tolerated in my relationships.
I believe in myself. I believe my life will grow and flourish into whatever I wish. I can now see what I let happen in the past year. I won't blame myself or beat myself up over it. I will acknowledge it, learn from it, and move on. I will return to my true essence and give a warm embrace to the self who tolerated bad behavior and destructive actions and inactions - she needs the hugs, but she also needs to know there is a better way. I'm open to love - most of all, self love. I will tell myself the things I need to hear. I won't search for approval or affirmation outside of myself. It's all within, and it's who I need to hear from most.
I am powerful.
I am strong.
I am beautiful.
I am worthy.
I am a child of God.
I am smart.
I am good enough.
I am everything I need me to be.
I am me.
This Thursday evening, I will be dining on pulled pork and other southern barbecue with a new friend. John is from the mid-Atlantic and appreciates good barbecue. He also asks me questions about myself and listens to my answers. He doesn't let me get away with asking a question and not answering it myself. Of course, this is all preliminary courtship stuff and may fall by the wayside in a few short months. I'll know to keep a sharp eye early on for any selfish or one sided behavior. This will no longer be tolerated in my relationships.
I believe in myself. I believe my life will grow and flourish into whatever I wish. I can now see what I let happen in the past year. I won't blame myself or beat myself up over it. I will acknowledge it, learn from it, and move on. I will return to my true essence and give a warm embrace to the self who tolerated bad behavior and destructive actions and inactions - she needs the hugs, but she also needs to know there is a better way. I'm open to love - most of all, self love. I will tell myself the things I need to hear. I won't search for approval or affirmation outside of myself. It's all within, and it's who I need to hear from most.
I am powerful.
I am strong.
I am beautiful.
I am worthy.
I am a child of God.
I am smart.
I am good enough.
I am everything I need me to be.
I am me.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Happy Father's Day
Here is to all the fathers who love and support their children, who accept them the way they are and like them as people. I hope you all had an enjoyable day, dedicated to you.
I recently uncovered an unfortunate pattern in my life. I've been reading up on the Imago relationship theory. The basic idea is that we, as children, imprint on our minds traits and characteristics of our caretakers, both positive and negative. This imprint is known as the Imago (Latin for image). As we grow into adulthood, we subconsciously seek people who fit this image, and become very attracted to them. Now, this isn't as simple as, "My dad was a compulsive gambler, so I'm attracted to compulsive gamblers". That would be too simple and obvious. Anyone with half a brain could figure out that type of pattern, and if they wished to, change it. The Imago theory is deeper and stems from the subconscious.
I tried to look back at patterns in my failed important relationships. None of the men were at all alike. Rob was a Marine, sports fanatic, craved my constant attention and was generally shy in public. When were alone, he talked my ear off. He was very proud of my weight loss and was great support. He wanted to please me and did what he could do to make me happy.
Richard, on the other hand, was not especially talkative. After Rob, it was nice having SOME silence. Richard didn't talk just to talk. When he had something to say, he said it, and it was usually something that added value to our conversations. We spent many hours together just talking - sharing ideas and learning about each others culture. He was proud of me and protected me when we socialized. He continually made eye contact with me and I never felt alone - always connected. He always considered me in his plans and was interested in my opinions and thoughts. When this relationship ended, I was devastated.
Billy was loud, boisterous and had a need to assert himself in almost any situation, public or private. It was his smile and easy manner that initially attracted me to him. He made me laugh and introduced me to new things. I didn't see him often enough to uncover some of the lies that he seemed to be good at keeping me from.
None of the important men in my life seemed to have common traits. I couldn't find the pattern.
One commonality was the way two of them left. I felt abandoned by Richard and abandoned by Billy. Here were two men who claimed to love me, yet could leave me. And did. I started to feel very angry about this. How could they say they love me? Was that a lie? In both cases, they said the "L" word first. Richard told me he loved me before I was ready to say it back, and I waited until I was good darn ready before I said anything.
Then my sister called with family news. I became angry at what she told me. I had been feeling angry with Billy for a few days. Suddenly I was angry at my father. And then it struck me. My problem wasn't with Billy. Yeah, he's a fuck-up and doesn't want to acknowledge or change that, but that's not my issue. MY issue is with my father. I suddenly saw the pattern that was so elusive to me before. All I had to do was take my words of anger against Billy (and back then, Richard), and replace them with my dad.
How could HE do this to me? How can a father treat his own daughters like he has?
How do you love someone and abandon them? In my father's case, it was emotional abandonment at a critical developmental stage in my life. How does one believe they're loved if it's so frigging easy to be left? It's amazing I stll believe in love after being let down so many times.
I've dated all types. Military. Business executives. A doctor. Lawyer. Independent filmmaker. Accountant. A McDonald's employee. Car salesman. Graphic Designer. A lobster catcher. Black men, Latino men, Jewish, White, Caribbean men. And next on my list is a real estate developer from the seacoast and a Vice President of engineering closer to where I live. I've rolled the dice with my heart a few times and ended up with the same result. So what is WRONG?
I hadn't seen my dad since about 2001. Today, on Father's Day, as I drove to the gym, I passed him in his car. We were driving on the same street. He didn't see me, of course. I wonder if he would recognize me if he had. Not because I look much different, but because his mind is at such an advanced stage of alcoholism. He's been at a point of mental and physical breakdown for some years. I can only imagine where he's at now.
Seeing him today drove home to me that I need to finish the crap that my dad left me with. I'm angry that I'm left with the aftermath and that it has affected my relationships with men. I'm hoping that once I get a lot of this stuff worked out, I'll find myself attracted to a new Imago, one that is healthy and won't leave me with so much disappointment.
I recently uncovered an unfortunate pattern in my life. I've been reading up on the Imago relationship theory. The basic idea is that we, as children, imprint on our minds traits and characteristics of our caretakers, both positive and negative. This imprint is known as the Imago (Latin for image). As we grow into adulthood, we subconsciously seek people who fit this image, and become very attracted to them. Now, this isn't as simple as, "My dad was a compulsive gambler, so I'm attracted to compulsive gamblers". That would be too simple and obvious. Anyone with half a brain could figure out that type of pattern, and if they wished to, change it. The Imago theory is deeper and stems from the subconscious.
I tried to look back at patterns in my failed important relationships. None of the men were at all alike. Rob was a Marine, sports fanatic, craved my constant attention and was generally shy in public. When were alone, he talked my ear off. He was very proud of my weight loss and was great support. He wanted to please me and did what he could do to make me happy.
Richard, on the other hand, was not especially talkative. After Rob, it was nice having SOME silence. Richard didn't talk just to talk. When he had something to say, he said it, and it was usually something that added value to our conversations. We spent many hours together just talking - sharing ideas and learning about each others culture. He was proud of me and protected me when we socialized. He continually made eye contact with me and I never felt alone - always connected. He always considered me in his plans and was interested in my opinions and thoughts. When this relationship ended, I was devastated.
Billy was loud, boisterous and had a need to assert himself in almost any situation, public or private. It was his smile and easy manner that initially attracted me to him. He made me laugh and introduced me to new things. I didn't see him often enough to uncover some of the lies that he seemed to be good at keeping me from.
None of the important men in my life seemed to have common traits. I couldn't find the pattern.
One commonality was the way two of them left. I felt abandoned by Richard and abandoned by Billy. Here were two men who claimed to love me, yet could leave me. And did. I started to feel very angry about this. How could they say they love me? Was that a lie? In both cases, they said the "L" word first. Richard told me he loved me before I was ready to say it back, and I waited until I was good darn ready before I said anything.
Then my sister called with family news. I became angry at what she told me. I had been feeling angry with Billy for a few days. Suddenly I was angry at my father. And then it struck me. My problem wasn't with Billy. Yeah, he's a fuck-up and doesn't want to acknowledge or change that, but that's not my issue. MY issue is with my father. I suddenly saw the pattern that was so elusive to me before. All I had to do was take my words of anger against Billy (and back then, Richard), and replace them with my dad.
How could HE do this to me? How can a father treat his own daughters like he has?
How do you love someone and abandon them? In my father's case, it was emotional abandonment at a critical developmental stage in my life. How does one believe they're loved if it's so frigging easy to be left? It's amazing I stll believe in love after being let down so many times.
I've dated all types. Military. Business executives. A doctor. Lawyer. Independent filmmaker. Accountant. A McDonald's employee. Car salesman. Graphic Designer. A lobster catcher. Black men, Latino men, Jewish, White, Caribbean men. And next on my list is a real estate developer from the seacoast and a Vice President of engineering closer to where I live. I've rolled the dice with my heart a few times and ended up with the same result. So what is WRONG?
I hadn't seen my dad since about 2001. Today, on Father's Day, as I drove to the gym, I passed him in his car. We were driving on the same street. He didn't see me, of course. I wonder if he would recognize me if he had. Not because I look much different, but because his mind is at such an advanced stage of alcoholism. He's been at a point of mental and physical breakdown for some years. I can only imagine where he's at now.
Seeing him today drove home to me that I need to finish the crap that my dad left me with. I'm angry that I'm left with the aftermath and that it has affected my relationships with men. I'm hoping that once I get a lot of this stuff worked out, I'll find myself attracted to a new Imago, one that is healthy and won't leave me with so much disappointment.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Movie Recommendation
You all know I don't normally recommend films. I saw one tonight that impressed me, and I would highly recommend it to anyone I know.
The film is called Shopgirl. It stars Claire Danes and Steve Martin. It's based on a novella that Steve Martin himself wrote.
I just read a review of this film, and I'm shocked that the following parallel was made:
"Edward Hopper was the great painter of urban loneliness. Shopgirl had two perfectly composed and lit shots that could pass for Hopper paintings -- the one where we first see Mirabelle behind the glove counter at Saks, and the one where she solves the problem of how exactly to cross the intimacy threshold with Ray for the first time. Both involve the display of exquisite merchandise to customers who have excellent taste but don't quite appreciate the full value of what's being offered."
In my Represent blog post, I posted an Edward Hopper artwork. I captioned it "alone and contemplative". I've felt a connection to Hopper's work since high school, and I am amazed that someone drew a comparison to this film, which I enjoyed so much, with an artist with whom I feel.
I think both men and women who have been in relationships will see the value in the story. Maybe watch it with the one you're with, or grab some ice cream and watch it alone until the tears flow, which is what I did, minus the ice cream. My appetite is coming back, but I'd still like to fit into those size 7 jeans.
The film is called Shopgirl. It stars Claire Danes and Steve Martin. It's based on a novella that Steve Martin himself wrote.
I just read a review of this film, and I'm shocked that the following parallel was made:
"Edward Hopper was the great painter of urban loneliness. Shopgirl had two perfectly composed and lit shots that could pass for Hopper paintings -- the one where we first see Mirabelle behind the glove counter at Saks, and the one where she solves the problem of how exactly to cross the intimacy threshold with Ray for the first time. Both involve the display of exquisite merchandise to customers who have excellent taste but don't quite appreciate the full value of what's being offered."
In my Represent blog post, I posted an Edward Hopper artwork. I captioned it "alone and contemplative". I've felt a connection to Hopper's work since high school, and I am amazed that someone drew a comparison to this film, which I enjoyed so much, with an artist with whom I feel.
I think both men and women who have been in relationships will see the value in the story. Maybe watch it with the one you're with, or grab some ice cream and watch it alone until the tears flow, which is what I did, minus the ice cream. My appetite is coming back, but I'd still like to fit into those size 7 jeans.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
A Long Walk
The song my blog is named after. Hope you enjoy the amazing Jill Scott.
Press Play.
Jill Scott - A Long Walk
Press Play.
Jill Scott - A Long Walk
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
A New Chapter
I've been having some of the best runs in the past two weeks than I've ever had in the year since I started. I mean, really enjoyable, nice runs. I think it's mainly because I don't have anything weighing heavily on my mind. A run is a great time to think clearly, work out problems... so no wonder my runs over the last few months haven't been enjoyable. Too much had been on my mind. I had, what seemed to me, to be unsolvable dilemmas. I couldn't come to any conclusions. That can be very unsatisfying.
I decided not to purge any old thoughts or feelings about the *Stars* in my old little black book. I have some great memories over the years and have known some fascinating men. They each offered me a unique opportunity to learn different things about myself and what I want. Some were hard lessons, others were enjoyable (ahem). I'll look back on some with fondness, others with disgust. Each were in my life for a reason, and I have to stress the word were. There are lots of people I have yet to meet, each with something to offer. I'm optimistic about my future. I'm looking forward to what the summer brings!
I decided not to purge any old thoughts or feelings about the *Stars* in my old little black book. I have some great memories over the years and have known some fascinating men. They each offered me a unique opportunity to learn different things about myself and what I want. Some were hard lessons, others were enjoyable (ahem). I'll look back on some with fondness, others with disgust. Each were in my life for a reason, and I have to stress the word were. There are lots of people I have yet to meet, each with something to offer. I'm optimistic about my future. I'm looking forward to what the summer brings!
Saturday, June 10, 2006
The Little Black Book is Closed Forever
My friend Jonathan has been counseling me a few weekday mornings over the phone from Korea. If you think I've had dating adventures, you need to talk to Jon.
Jon told me I need to toss out the Little Black Book and don't look back. I agreed with him, but didn't feel it until now. If I am truly ready to enter the type of relationship I want, I need to create the S P A C E for that to happen. If I fill that energy with reconsidering old flames that never worked in the first place, I'll never have the space necessary for allowing in someone totally new.
As part of this process, and as a great source of entertainment to you, the reader, I'm gonna purge. I'll try not to be too long winded with all the details, as I have several male readers who like lots of pictures and short paragraphs ;-)
More later.
Jon told me I need to toss out the Little Black Book and don't look back. I agreed with him, but didn't feel it until now. If I am truly ready to enter the type of relationship I want, I need to create the S P A C E for that to happen. If I fill that energy with reconsidering old flames that never worked in the first place, I'll never have the space necessary for allowing in someone totally new.
As part of this process, and as a great source of entertainment to you, the reader, I'm gonna purge. I'll try not to be too long winded with all the details, as I have several male readers who like lots of pictures and short paragraphs ;-)
More later.
It's like they were there.
I took this Yahoo! relationship test thing today. It told me quite a bit about myself, who I attract, and who might be best for me. I had to answer some questions on the last relationship I was in, and here was the analysis:
How to Stop Repeating the Past
"You need to find a less critical and neglectful partner (Gee, I should have taken this test months ago).
All serious relationships bring a mixture of good stuff (such as caring, support, and acceptance) and bad stuff (such as criticism, neglect, and manipulation). In the test, when you looked back on your last relationship, you recalled giving more good stuff than he did, while he gave more of the bad stuff.
Specifically, you often felt ignored and neglected by your Ex. He was probably a very independent man who needed a lot of "space." However, based on what you described, it sounds like he intentionally excluded you from his life at times and put up emotional barriers, too. You probably came to feel very lonely, even when the two of you were together.
It's easier for a couple to weather bad stuff when they also share a lot of good exchanges. You gave a lot to your partner, for example, in the form of practical help and support. By helping him with household chores, errands, or other tasks, you tried to make his life a little easier. Love to you obviously means doing whatever you can to make your partner happy.
There's something appealing about the vulnerability and complexity of "neurotic" men. You can handle and appreciate his emotional depth, as long as he doesn't turn his emotionality on you. Sometimes you can be an easy target to blame for his confusion and unhappiness. Certainly, life will be easier if you avoid these men altogether. Life could also get pretty boring without him. So, if you choose to be in a relationship with a neurotic man, it's crucial that the two of you set realistic expectations. He can't expect you to solve all of his problems, and you can't expect him to be calm and upbeat all the time. You also have to make rules for how he can act toward you. The blaming and criticism of each other has to end. You're his ally and supporter, not his enemy. Unfortunately, he may need to be reminded of that fairly often.
Learn to control the control freaks. You're drawn to organized, disciplined, and successful men. Unfortunately, these same men can be demanding and judgmental at times. You may be drawn to each other because of your differences and contrasts, but once you're in a relationship he may insist things go his way. The simple solution is to weed out the control freaks early on. Be especially cautious with men who think there's only one way to do things: His way! Otherwise, your best strategy is to beat him at his own game. He likes structure, so set new ground rules for your relationship. Let him know which topics are off limits for criticism and where you're open and strictly not open for change."
Of course, I am far from perfect and I'm sure there's someone out there who needs to avoid me - haha! But here's my personality and love style - woo woo.
Individualist
She's her own woman—imaginative, curious, and shrewd. She's chosen her own path in life. Some see her as eccentric, but she's simply a free spirit who won't do things just to please others. Her intelligence, creativity, and knack for doing the unexpected makes her fun and exciting to be around.
The Personality Types she prefers
Idealist
He's an Idealist with a unique set of skills that make him the perfect diplomat and champion of those in need. He leads and inspires people with his vision, but also has the pragmatic skills to make things happen. Whether it's on an international level or in his own backyard, he can make dreams come true.
The Personality Type recommended for her
Observer
He strives to find inner peace in a non-peaceful world. His quiet, gentle, and cautious nature always sets him apart. While others on a team are talking, arguing, or making impulsive decisions, he sees the underlying issues and makes objective recommendations.
Her Love Style
Romantic
She wants a lasting connection on every level—mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual. She will be a patient, persistent seeker of the man of her dreams. She knows destiny will deliver him, too, and they'll experience a love most people can only dream about.
Love Styles that fit with her
Romantic
He wants a lasting connection on every level—mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual. He will be a patient, persistent seeker of the woman of his dreams. He knows destiny will deliver her, too, and they'll experience a love most people can only dream about.
Passionate
He is free to love intensely and completely on mental, emotional, spiritual, and sexual levels. When he connects it's immediate and intense. Over time he may have several "great loves." What starts with physical attraction can blossom into a more intimate love and in time can evolve into a deep commitment.
Sounds good to me!
This stuff is easy to see now, and honestly, when I tell some of you some stuff that happened, your reactions help confirm that this was a very unhealthy relationship. I'm more determined than ever to find someone who will treat me the way that I deserve, and love me for me.
Take the test yourself.
How to Stop Repeating the Past
"You need to find a less critical and neglectful partner (Gee, I should have taken this test months ago).
All serious relationships bring a mixture of good stuff (such as caring, support, and acceptance) and bad stuff (such as criticism, neglect, and manipulation). In the test, when you looked back on your last relationship, you recalled giving more good stuff than he did, while he gave more of the bad stuff.
Specifically, you often felt ignored and neglected by your Ex. He was probably a very independent man who needed a lot of "space." However, based on what you described, it sounds like he intentionally excluded you from his life at times and put up emotional barriers, too. You probably came to feel very lonely, even when the two of you were together.
It's easier for a couple to weather bad stuff when they also share a lot of good exchanges. You gave a lot to your partner, for example, in the form of practical help and support. By helping him with household chores, errands, or other tasks, you tried to make his life a little easier. Love to you obviously means doing whatever you can to make your partner happy.
There's something appealing about the vulnerability and complexity of "neurotic" men. You can handle and appreciate his emotional depth, as long as he doesn't turn his emotionality on you. Sometimes you can be an easy target to blame for his confusion and unhappiness. Certainly, life will be easier if you avoid these men altogether. Life could also get pretty boring without him. So, if you choose to be in a relationship with a neurotic man, it's crucial that the two of you set realistic expectations. He can't expect you to solve all of his problems, and you can't expect him to be calm and upbeat all the time. You also have to make rules for how he can act toward you. The blaming and criticism of each other has to end. You're his ally and supporter, not his enemy. Unfortunately, he may need to be reminded of that fairly often.
Learn to control the control freaks. You're drawn to organized, disciplined, and successful men. Unfortunately, these same men can be demanding and judgmental at times. You may be drawn to each other because of your differences and contrasts, but once you're in a relationship he may insist things go his way. The simple solution is to weed out the control freaks early on. Be especially cautious with men who think there's only one way to do things: His way! Otherwise, your best strategy is to beat him at his own game. He likes structure, so set new ground rules for your relationship. Let him know which topics are off limits for criticism and where you're open and strictly not open for change."
Of course, I am far from perfect and I'm sure there's someone out there who needs to avoid me - haha! But here's my personality and love style - woo woo.
Individualist
She's her own woman—imaginative, curious, and shrewd. She's chosen her own path in life. Some see her as eccentric, but she's simply a free spirit who won't do things just to please others. Her intelligence, creativity, and knack for doing the unexpected makes her fun and exciting to be around.
The Personality Types she prefers
Idealist
He's an Idealist with a unique set of skills that make him the perfect diplomat and champion of those in need. He leads and inspires people with his vision, but also has the pragmatic skills to make things happen. Whether it's on an international level or in his own backyard, he can make dreams come true.
The Personality Type recommended for her
Observer
He strives to find inner peace in a non-peaceful world. His quiet, gentle, and cautious nature always sets him apart. While others on a team are talking, arguing, or making impulsive decisions, he sees the underlying issues and makes objective recommendations.
Her Love Style
Romantic
She wants a lasting connection on every level—mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual. She will be a patient, persistent seeker of the man of her dreams. She knows destiny will deliver him, too, and they'll experience a love most people can only dream about.
Love Styles that fit with her
Romantic
He wants a lasting connection on every level—mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual. He will be a patient, persistent seeker of the woman of his dreams. He knows destiny will deliver her, too, and they'll experience a love most people can only dream about.
Passionate
He is free to love intensely and completely on mental, emotional, spiritual, and sexual levels. When he connects it's immediate and intense. Over time he may have several "great loves." What starts with physical attraction can blossom into a more intimate love and in time can evolve into a deep commitment.
Sounds good to me!
This stuff is easy to see now, and honestly, when I tell some of you some stuff that happened, your reactions help confirm that this was a very unhealthy relationship. I'm more determined than ever to find someone who will treat me the way that I deserve, and love me for me.
Take the test yourself.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
The End is a New Beginning
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed in a US airstrike!
I watched him behead Nick Berg. It was one of those unfortunate videos that made it to the internet unedited. I had to watch it, and it stayed with me for several weeks. I couldn't fathom the animalistic cruelty, the complete disregard for human life. But to them, we are not human, we are infidels. I wonder how many virgins he met upon his death? My guess is that Satan raped HIS virgin ass - what a twist.
I don't think I've ever been happy about someone dying. It's hard not to rejoice, but it also makes me think of the radical muslims dancing in the street after 9/11. We'd like to think we are so far removed from such viciousness, but here I am, celebrating al-Zarqawi's death. In radical muslims' minds, we are probably just as evil as al-Zarqawi is to us.
Closer to home, the end of a relationship truly signifies a new beginning. I feel much more my sassy self and I'm very much looking forward to developing a lasting relationship with someone special, who also deserves me.
Through the anxiety/depression weight loss diet, I'm back to a weight I'm pretty comfortable with. I had gained 5-7 pounds after my job transfer, and was having a hard time taking it off. Now I'm below where I started, and I'd like to lose another 5-10 pounds. It may put me into a size 6, which would be phenomenal.
I had a very exciting surprise yesterday! I'd been looking for Yerba Mate tea. It's grown in South America and is known for several health benefits, including appetite suppression. I thought I'd have to buy it online, but I found it in a Latino market on Union Street! I also got a bombilla, a special straw needed to drink the tea, as it's brewed loose leaf and stays in the cup. The bombilla helps filter out the leaves and stems (yes, we're still talking about tea). I think I burned the leaves on my first infusion, so I'll need to be more careful next time.
The weekend is almost here! PAL1 and I are going to see The Rusty Cadillacs LIVE in concert ;-) which is always a great time. The band is great, and the members (one in particular) are great people.
Once again I want to thank everyone who has been here for me. You guys are very special and I'm so fortunate to have you in my life. I feel pretty good (no tears in 3 days), but that's not to say I won't ever have a setback. This relationship deeply affected me (positively AND negatively, which I realize only now) and I'm sure it will take some time to fully recover. I'm very lucky to have supportive, wonderful people in my life to help me and give me reality checks when I need them (like Monique's TOOL comment - HA!).
I watched him behead Nick Berg. It was one of those unfortunate videos that made it to the internet unedited. I had to watch it, and it stayed with me for several weeks. I couldn't fathom the animalistic cruelty, the complete disregard for human life. But to them, we are not human, we are infidels. I wonder how many virgins he met upon his death? My guess is that Satan raped HIS virgin ass - what a twist.
I don't think I've ever been happy about someone dying. It's hard not to rejoice, but it also makes me think of the radical muslims dancing in the street after 9/11. We'd like to think we are so far removed from such viciousness, but here I am, celebrating al-Zarqawi's death. In radical muslims' minds, we are probably just as evil as al-Zarqawi is to us.
Closer to home, the end of a relationship truly signifies a new beginning. I feel much more my sassy self and I'm very much looking forward to developing a lasting relationship with someone special, who also deserves me.
Through the anxiety/depression weight loss diet, I'm back to a weight I'm pretty comfortable with. I had gained 5-7 pounds after my job transfer, and was having a hard time taking it off. Now I'm below where I started, and I'd like to lose another 5-10 pounds. It may put me into a size 6, which would be phenomenal.
I had a very exciting surprise yesterday! I'd been looking for Yerba Mate tea. It's grown in South America and is known for several health benefits, including appetite suppression. I thought I'd have to buy it online, but I found it in a Latino market on Union Street! I also got a bombilla, a special straw needed to drink the tea, as it's brewed loose leaf and stays in the cup. The bombilla helps filter out the leaves and stems (yes, we're still talking about tea). I think I burned the leaves on my first infusion, so I'll need to be more careful next time.
The weekend is almost here! PAL1 and I are going to see The Rusty Cadillacs LIVE in concert ;-) which is always a great time. The band is great, and the members (one in particular) are great people.
Once again I want to thank everyone who has been here for me. You guys are very special and I'm so fortunate to have you in my life. I feel pretty good (no tears in 3 days), but that's not to say I won't ever have a setback. This relationship deeply affected me (positively AND negatively, which I realize only now) and I'm sure it will take some time to fully recover. I'm very lucky to have supportive, wonderful people in my life to help me and give me reality checks when I need them (like Monique's TOOL comment - HA!).
Monday, June 05, 2006
Thank you
I was a little surprised at the influx of emails I received after posting my last entry. I wanted to email everyone the link to that one, because I didn't want to have to deal with "How's Billy?" in a couple of weeks. All your emails have been extremely supportive and I can feel the caring and empathy behind them. You have no idea how much that means to me. Caring, compassion and empathy were vital human emotions that were lacking in the relationship. I think that's why it can be so baffling for me (and others) to understand.
When I told my friends from Neighborcare on Friday what happened, the look of genuine concern and compassion for me really hit home. This is how people who care about you act. This is how people look at someone who's basically a good person who's been hurt badly for no good reason.
How could Billy look at me crying in his truck, deeply hurt and upset, and only think to defend "what he said". He refused to try to put himself in my shoes and see things from my side, even if he couldn't understand. I shouldn't have to try to convince someone that it's normal and HUMAN to identify with someone's pain, no matter if they're a friend, girlfriend, or simply anyone in need.
My sister and brother-in-law have been an invaluable part of my recovery from this relationship. They spent the entire day with me on Saturday and through their hilarious wit and humor, really got through to me that I'm okay - there's nothing more I should have or could have done. I felt more myself when I left their place.
I went on my first date last night. Normally I like to take time (usually lots of time) to reflect on what happened and try to learn from it before moving on. I don't feel that this is necessary this time around. I'm not confused. Billy put up a charade and the "show" of having a real relationship as long as he could. Life pressures entered the picture and he couldn't deal whatsoever. I need someone around through thick and thin, not when it's simply convenient. There's not much I need to try to figure out from that.
So I went to dinner with my date. It was more or less a time to get dressed up, look pretty and receive some much needed compliments.
I'm looking forward to spending some time with my family and friends. It is so comforting to be in the presence of people who really know me and care about me as a person. You guys get it. Thank you for being there.
When I told my friends from Neighborcare on Friday what happened, the look of genuine concern and compassion for me really hit home. This is how people who care about you act. This is how people look at someone who's basically a good person who's been hurt badly for no good reason.
How could Billy look at me crying in his truck, deeply hurt and upset, and only think to defend "what he said". He refused to try to put himself in my shoes and see things from my side, even if he couldn't understand. I shouldn't have to try to convince someone that it's normal and HUMAN to identify with someone's pain, no matter if they're a friend, girlfriend, or simply anyone in need.
My sister and brother-in-law have been an invaluable part of my recovery from this relationship. They spent the entire day with me on Saturday and through their hilarious wit and humor, really got through to me that I'm okay - there's nothing more I should have or could have done. I felt more myself when I left their place.
I went on my first date last night. Normally I like to take time (usually lots of time) to reflect on what happened and try to learn from it before moving on. I don't feel that this is necessary this time around. I'm not confused. Billy put up a charade and the "show" of having a real relationship as long as he could. Life pressures entered the picture and he couldn't deal whatsoever. I need someone around through thick and thin, not when it's simply convenient. There's not much I need to try to figure out from that.
So I went to dinner with my date. It was more or less a time to get dressed up, look pretty and receive some much needed compliments.
I'm looking forward to spending some time with my family and friends. It is so comforting to be in the presence of people who really know me and care about me as a person. You guys get it. Thank you for being there.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Single Again
After what I thought was a mutually loving and forward moving relationship, things have come abruptly to an end. I was dumped. Over the phone.
I was issued an ultimatum. Either move in with Billy, or I'd be cut loose. If it's so easy to give up on our relationship and leave me, why on earth would I feel safe and uncomfortable moving in?
The house he lives in is being sold. The only thing I can figure is that he wants a roommate, not a girlfriend or partner. Since I'm not fitting the bill as a roommate, I was cut loose.
I'm angry that I was told I was loved, that I was important and that he saw a future with me. What can I think now besides that this was all lip service?
I've been learning how to express my anger rather than bottling it up. I've been punching my mattress, pretending it's Billy, screaming and crying. I scream, "How could you do this to me?!" most often. I wasn't anything special to him, obviously. I am actually surprised at the depth of my hurt. I had made myself vulnerable to him, thinking that we were on a path to emotional intimacy and sharing, and our love deepening. I was more open than ever, yet he reduced our relationship to being simply inconvenient.
I'm having a lot of trouble getting through my work day without crying. I try to escape into the ladies room to cry some, but at times I'm caught by surprise at my desk. Thoughts of our vacation to Florida creep in my mind. Mostly I think about sitting next to Billy in the bass boat as we drove around the lake. I felt so connected to him and special and loved. I guess that was all a lie.
Anyway, I guess it's time to move on again. I want more than a roommate. I want a devoted, caring, compassionate man who is truly interested in building a future with me. This wasn't it.
I was issued an ultimatum. Either move in with Billy, or I'd be cut loose. If it's so easy to give up on our relationship and leave me, why on earth would I feel safe and uncomfortable moving in?
The house he lives in is being sold. The only thing I can figure is that he wants a roommate, not a girlfriend or partner. Since I'm not fitting the bill as a roommate, I was cut loose.
I'm angry that I was told I was loved, that I was important and that he saw a future with me. What can I think now besides that this was all lip service?
I've been learning how to express my anger rather than bottling it up. I've been punching my mattress, pretending it's Billy, screaming and crying. I scream, "How could you do this to me?!" most often. I wasn't anything special to him, obviously. I am actually surprised at the depth of my hurt. I had made myself vulnerable to him, thinking that we were on a path to emotional intimacy and sharing, and our love deepening. I was more open than ever, yet he reduced our relationship to being simply inconvenient.
I'm having a lot of trouble getting through my work day without crying. I try to escape into the ladies room to cry some, but at times I'm caught by surprise at my desk. Thoughts of our vacation to Florida creep in my mind. Mostly I think about sitting next to Billy in the bass boat as we drove around the lake. I felt so connected to him and special and loved. I guess that was all a lie.
Anyway, I guess it's time to move on again. I want more than a roommate. I want a devoted, caring, compassionate man who is truly interested in building a future with me. This wasn't it.
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